Healthy Strokes - Female masturbation

Female masturbation

This page is for questions from females about masturbation and other issues related to sexuality. A few rare questions from males about the female experience are also posted here.

Many older questions from female readers have been moved to one of these topic pages:

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HealthyStrokes.com is 10 years old!

HealthyStrokes.com debuted on February 4, 2002. Ever since, it is has been highlighting the problems caused by prone masturbation and helping males and females with their sexual health questions. Thank you to all readers for making HealthyStrokes.com a popular and informative web site.

Questions from female readers

These questions and answers pertain specifically to the experience of female masturbation. Of course, a lot of the questions on the main masturbation page, although posed by males, can address the experience of both genders. Answers marked with have been critically reviewed by an anonymous female correspondent.

I'm 16 and female and I really love masturbating. I want to talk about it with my best friend who's a guy, but I don't know how to bring it up. What suggestions do you have?

Why do you want to talk about it with him? Are you interested in him being more than just a friend? There is a good chance he would think you're signalling that you're interested in being sexual with him. If you've talked about other sexual things with him before now, you ought to be able to talk about masturbating. If you haven't talked about sexual things before, then masturbating is a bad choice for your first conversation about sex. And if you really do want to signal that you're interested in him sexually, then just dropping into conversation, "I really love masturbating" is apt to do the job.

Does internal masturbation destroy the hymen? I want to keep mine intact but I have been doing internal in the past 2 days so could you tell me what to do so that it remains intact and tight? (age 15)

Internal masturbation will tend to erode the hymen rather quickly, but after only two days, you are apt to be fairly close to intact. Most girls who want to keep their hymens intact masturbate externally.

Is it normal to have a spanking fetish at my age? Will my boyfriend think I'm weird if I ask him to spank me? (age 15)

A spanking fetish is fairly common, and there is a good chance your boyfriend is aware of this. A person's age doesn't matter, because people are apt to have the same fetishes throughout their lives.

How does a guy feel about a girl not taking a shower the night she sleeps over after they have sex? Do you think a girl should shower after each time she has intercourse in the same day maybe 2 hours apart? (age 18)

I find it hard to believe that guys your age would be particular about that. If it was really critical to him that she shower, he would probably suggest showering together. I don't think very many people shower after each act of intercourse.

I think I have sexsomnia. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and my fingers are rubbing my clitoris. Not that I mind; I just don't want people to see. (age 20)

Sexsomnia (performing sex acts while sleeping) is a newly-recognized condition. If it bothers you, then wearing more clothes to bed is apt to help. Instead of being embarrassed that people see, you can get them to help you by waking you up when they see you masturbating in your sleep.

You have been very helpful to me over the years. I've started having a major libido problem. I pretty much have none suddenly, and it is super unusual for me. My boyfriend is thinking I've lost interest in him and that's not at all true. I'm still a virgin. I just don't get aroused anymore by anything. It's been this way for about a month now. I'm not on any medication, and nothing has changed. I have some new stressful situations in my life but it's never bothered me in this way. Any advice at all on this would be very much appreciated. (age 18)

A month is a long time to go without being aroused. You might consider talking to a mental health professional about how the stresses in your life are affecting your sexual appetite. Most women are aroused by the touch of a partner. It would probably help you get aroused if your boyfriend could touch you in a non-sexual manner (e.g., back rub) for 20-30 minutes to put you in a relaxed frame of mind before attempting sexual touch.

If I were to shave around my privates, would a doctor ask and find it strange? (age 14)

Lots of females remove hair these days, so I highly doubt a doctor would think it's strange. What reason would the doctor possibly have to ask you about it?

Sometimes I have days that all I want to do is masturbate. Is this normal? (female, age 13)

Yes, that is very normal. Maybe you'll even have a day where that's all you do. That's normal too.

Could bike riding be causing me damage? I've always had a very high libido; I started masturbating at about 6 years of age and I masturbate at least once a day. I also bike ride for about 30 minutes every day without biking shorts, and I've noticed that once I come back, I am extremely horny but not really in a good way. It hurts a little. When I masturbate to see if that will get it to go away, the only way I can come is if I use a lot more force than I usually have to use and a lot more direct contact. It usually goes away after about 3-4 hours. (age 14)

It might be that the bicycle seat is irritating your private parts and making you feel like you're aroused, even though you're not. It's kind of like how your nipples can get irritated from the clothes you're wearing. I would suggest wearing heavier fabric while biking or perhaps getting a different seat.

It takes me 17-20 minutes to orgasm while masturbating. I have been masturbating for about 10 months but I have only been using my hands for about 4 months. I used the shower head until I read HealthyStrokes.com. Do you have any tips on how to orgasm quicker? (age 13)

17-20 minutes is not so long. You are pretty new to masturbating by hand. No doubt you've learned that it's important to be both relaxed and focused when trying to have an orgasm. Having an assurance of privacy also helps, so you might find it worthwhile to get a lock on your door.

I've been masturbating since I was about 8. What will happen if my mom finds out? Do you think she will freak? (age 11)

Most moms are understanding. I can't say that yours won't freak, but there's nothing you can do about it if she does. You're not going to stop masturbating just because she freaks, are you? If she isn't understanding at first, I think she will be soon.

If I put my boyfriend's semen on my vagina without any close contact with his penis, am I still considered a virgin? (age 24)

Yes. There are even female virgins who have given birth from artificial insemination. Only having sex can make you no longer a virgin.

Is it possible for a female to have wet dreams or some equivalent? I've woken up in the middle of an orgasm, after having dreams of a sexual nature. (age 18)

The question of whether females ejaculate is an unresolved one. Obviously, if females don't ejaculate, then they can't have wet dreams. It's very possible for women to have sexual dreams and to become aroused as a result of them. Some females even claim to have orgasms in their dreams, which would obviously be an equivalent of the male wet dream. Some females (and males) also masturbate in their sleep, but this is a completely different process from having wet dreams.

I've been masturbating since I was in 2nd grade. My sister who is a year younger and I would do it together. Recently she asked if I still did, and I said no. Whenever we fight, she said that she will tell my parents that I masturbate. I'm scared because I don't want to get caught masturbating. It would be embarrassing. I would love to have a vibrator. One girl who posted on here got one from her mom! I'm jealous! (age 14)

Your message doesn't make a whole lot of sense. People don't just quit masturbating. Telling your sister you don't do it anymore is downright silly. She will not tell your parents because you could tell them she does it too. Anyway, your parents probably expect that you masturbate at your ages. Why don't you be the older one and just laugh at your sister the next time she says that. If you talk to your mom about getting a vibrator, you won't have to worry about your sister threatening to tell anymore.

I have discovered masturbating since I was 8 and from then on I have been masturbating every day. I masturbate before I sleep because it helps me get to sleep. I used to masturbate face-up on the bed but then I found it more comfortable in the prone position. It's more comfortable and I reach orgasm much more quickly. When I masturbate in the supine position I take much longer to reach orgasm. What should I do? (age 14)

Masturbating in the prone position, which is referred to on this site as Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome, or TMS, has been shown to be a cause of sexual dysfunction in males. There is some evidence that females who masturbate this way have a more difficult time reaching orgasm in intercourse too. I would advise you to explore more of the supine position. There is a lot more you can do with your body when you're not on top of your hands and your genitals.

The other day I masturbated with the end of a makeup brush (cleaned it first) but a day or two later my vagina begin to have an overflow of white, thick, unscented vaginal discharge. When I looked in between my legs, the white discharge was all over. Is this bad?? Will I be OK? (age 17)

I suspect it was a reaction to the makeup. Even if you thought you cleaned it, there was probably still some left on the brush. I would avoid using that brush in the future. If the discharge doesn't clear up in a few days, I would suggest seeing a doctor.

I really like masturbating, but I don't think my boyfriend wants me to. What can I do? (age 14)

I suggest you keep masturbating. It's the healthiest thing to do sexually at your age. You also aren't even sure your boyfriend disapproves. And even if he does, who cares? It's your body. Anyway, according to average rates of masturbation, he probably masturbates more than you do.

Another woman at my office frequently makes references to masturbating and having sex in casual conversations at the office. We are both straight so I know she isn't doing it because she's interested in me. I just get really uncomfortable when she says something like, "That movie got me so hot, I almost blew a fuse with my vibrator." I enjoy talking with her about other stuff, but not this. What can I do? (age 26)

She ought to have some idea that sexual conversations are out of bounds in a workplace. I would suggest telling her you don't like sex talk at the office. After you do that, start a conversation about something else so she knows you only want to cut off the sex talk. If she persists, then you would be justified in talking to your supervisor or human resources about sexual harrassment.

I like writing erotica into my stories, specifically lesbian scenes. I'm entirely sure I'm bisexual, so yes, this stuff is a complete turn on. Is it odd or weird for me to want to pleasure myself, reading my own erotica instead of somebody else's? (age 14)

No, not at all. Obviously you're more turned on by your own fantasies than anyone else's. I think it's fun and healthy to write your own, and good writing practice too.

When I have friends over, we talk about sex and masturbation. I kinda feel awkward about this because I have never masturbated before. Would it be OK for me to ask them to demonstrate? How does a girl masturbate with a vibrator? (age 14)

I suspect your friends would be more comfortable if you asked them to tell you instead of show you. Most girls apply the vibrator to the area around the clitoris. It's better if you try using your hands first.

There is this guy I really like, but he's a junior in high school. He told me that he likes me back so we talk all the time. We were playing twenty questions and he asked if I masturbated so I said yes and now he tries to get me to describe it to him. I've noticed that all guys are like that and much more open about masturbation than I am. Is it just a girl thing or is there something wrong with me for being too closed off? (age 13)

My first thought is that he's three to four years older than you across a serious age plateau. If you were 18 and he were 21 or 22, I wouldn't be mentioning this, but there's a big difference between 13 and 16 or 17. I don't think males are particularly more open about masturbation than females. In fact, from my experience and the mail I get, it definitely seems that females in the teens (and older) talk among themselves about sex and masturbation more than males do. I think the reason he's more open about it is because he's three or four years older. I would be more comfortable if he would do that kind of questioning with girls his own age. And I think you would be more comfortable with a boy your age too.

About 4 months ago my boyfriend got his tip inside me (which hurt really bad). He thinks he ejaculated inside me but he can't remember. I've had my period for 7 years, and I have never had it every month until that day. Could I possibly be pregnant? I think you can be pregnant and still have your period. Each time I have my period the past few months, it has been harder than it ever was and my cramps have been so bad I can't walk. (age 17)

Those are questions for a doctor. They can do a pregnancy test and address your painful periods. You really ought to get a pregnancy test. You can start with a home pregnancy test from the store, but my first thought is that if you're having regular periods, then you're not pregnant.

I've masturbated before I even knew it. I want to try a vibrator and a dildo. But a vibrator more just because it feels better when my clitoris vibrates. I want to ask my sister who's 20 but I don't know how to tell her. Do you know how I could tell her? I don't want her to think that I'm gross. (age 11)

Your sister won't think you're gross. She will probably be delighted that you want her to help you. Why not just tell her you'd like her advice about touching yourself. I recommend against a vibrator or a dildo at your age, but you probably knew that.

I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 months. We have sex about twice a week. It's always his idea to do it. If it weren't for him asking for it, it probably wouldn't happen much. Is that normal at my age? I masturbate almost every day because I almost prefer doing it alone. I don't think he's doing anything wrong. It's just easier to make myself orgasm. Why do I have such a low desire to have sex? It was like this with my other boyfriends as well. (age 20)

It's possible your daily masturbating is killing off your desire for intercourse. I usually tell males your age to abstain from masturbating for anywhere from two to seven days before having intercourse, depending on the trouble they're having. According to a survey of over 3000 females by HealthyStrokes.com in 2007-08, the average female in the 18-22 group (inclusive) masturbates 16.6 times per month, or about every other day. Among females in that age group not currently sexually active, it was about the same. However, females in your age group having 10 orgasms a month with partners only masturbate 14.8 times per month. This suggests that females reduce their masturbatory frequency when they're having about as much intercourse as you. It would be worth cutting back and seeing if you enjoy the sex more.

I'm 16 years old and I masturbate almost every other day. Is that too much? I am also a virgin and I was wondering if masturbating to orgasm will affect orgasms when I start having sex?

Masturbating to orgasm is good practice for sex. According to a survey of over 3000 females by HealthyStrokes.com in 2007-08, which included 257 current 16 year olds, the average girl your age masturbates 23.7 times per month, or about three days out of four. The median is 18 times a month, which is a little more than once every other day. I don't think what you're doing is too much.

I have had some truly amazing experiences with masturbation. When I first started, I can honestly say it was SO good, almost unimaginable to me even though I have experienced it. However, for the past few years, my orgasm has become simply a build up and release of tension (albeit sometimes a big release) rather than having real pleasure. I obviously still get something from masturbation because I still do it, and yes, a release is good, but it's not the same, and it's been like this for about the last five of the seven years that I have masturbated. I relax and I usually fully embrace it and enjoy the feelings I get throughout the act - from the start to orgasm. Is there anything that I can do to help myself here? I feel like I've trained my body and muscles to orgasm this way now and that it's so well practiced it will be hard to change! Your wisdom on this would be appreciated! (age 21)

It's good that you've had amazing experiences, but it's important to learn that not every masturbation is going to be amazing. Some of them are just going to be quotidian, especially for someone who does it daily. Most people say that their orgasms are better when they haven't had one for a while, about three days. However, most people would rather have a bunch of ordinary orgasms instead of one special one. You might experiment with the timing of your masturbation sessions and see if it makes a difference.

What is the best approach in asking my partner if this is his style of masturbation? Then to address a possible change of habit in order to improve our sex lives. We have been intimate for several years and it is very difficult for him to climax. Many times he would give up. The ratio of him reaching orgasm is about 1 in 5 tries. At times I believed it was due to alcohol but he still has problems the next day. I feel badly that I can't make him orgasm regularly. I love him and want him to be able to enjoy our intimate times together. So, how may I broach this possible TMS issue?

I suspect he may have TMS because of the way I can feel him stimulating himself to get arousal; many times he will lie on top of me (fully clothed) to get aroused. Thank you for your sincere effort in responding in advance.

TMS is not the only cause of orgasmic troubles. The alcohol might also be a factor, but even very heavy drinkers reach orgasm more than 20 percent of the time they have sex. If you want to know how he masturbates, you can either 1) ask; or 2) suggest masturbating together. Have you ever seen him stroke his penis manually? That is how nearly all males masturbate and also how most males touch themselves when they want a firmer erection before intercourse. If you never see him do that, then it is an additional piece of information that suggests he masturbates prone or in some other atypical fashion. If you can confirm that he masturbates prone (or another atypical way), then you can direct him to HealthyStrokes.com and let him know about the hazards. However, he is the only one who can decide to change.

If a woman is raped, would she still be able to reach orgasm? (age 19)

Some women have had orgasms from rape, but that doesn't make it any less of a crime.

I love masturbating and try to do it at least three times a week to help relieve stress. I only do it when I'm home alone because I don't want to get caught. How can I continue masturbating when I'm not home alone without being in fear of getting caught? (age 14)

As you get older and more experienced, you will be less self-conscious about masturbating. Basically, when your desire to masturbate exceeds your fear of being caught, you will have less trouble doing it even when other people are home.

I've heard that when women live in the same environment together for a while they end up having synchronized periods. Is this true? And how come this happens? (male, age 15)

Yes, it's called the McClintock effect. It was first reported in 1971. It won't necessarily happen to every set of women living together, but it happens to enough of them that we can believe it's real. Scientists are less sure why it happens, but the theory with the most support is that the first woman to menstruate puts out a scent that the others recognize (perhaps subconsciously), and it causes them to menstruate too.

What is the avarage for a 12 year old girl to masturbate? I masturbate twice a day (sometimes more) and it seems I am constantly horny, but when I reach orgasm, I don't stop. I keep going until I have about 4 orgasms. I think I am not normal and it's worrying me. (age 12)

According to a survey of over 3000 females by HealthyStrokes.com in 2007-08, the average 12-year-old girl masturbates 33.3 times per month, or just over once a day. 16.5 percent of 12-year-old girls masturbate 50 times a month or more. It is good to be multi-orgasmic. Many females can do this, but not very many males can. You are doing just fine.

I am 12 and I masturbate on average once a day. When I masturbate, my vagina starts to hurt and I have to stop! Do you have any advice?

Find out what you are doing that makes it hurt. I suggest using less force or not touching the area that winds up hurting. Perhaps you can find some other way to masturbate that doesn't hurt.

Your site is an answer to a prayer! I love it. I'm a virgin and I started masturbating around 2 months ago. Lately I've been thinking of a guy friend. Is this normal? I really like him. (age 17)

Yes, that is very normal. I hope you get to know him better.

What's your position on girls/women using electric toothbrushes for clitoral stimulation? I usually masturbate with my hands, but when I really want a good orgasm, I use an electric toothbrush. (I only use it for masturbating.)

It's too bad you only use it to masturbate, because electric toothbrushes are good for keeping your teeth clean and healthy. It's good that you usually masturbate with your hands. I don't think occasional electric vibration is bad for you.

I can't remember how old I was when I started masturbating. Maybe I was 5? It's always been externally though. I masturbate regularly, maybe once a day. I lost my virginity over the summer, and I am sexually active. I have never had an internal orgasm, and I love sex, but I'm afraid my constant masturbation is somehow taking away from the pleasure I should have in sex. My boyfriend is a very sexual person and is not used to not pleasing a woman. I'm not sure what I should do? (age 16)

You ought not expect great things in bed from a boyfriend your age, but if they are to happen, they will start with you telling him what you want. Most sexually active young people also masturbate frequently. You need not give it up altogether, but I suggest abstaining for 3-5 days before your next intercourse and see if it makes a difference. As you get more experienced with intercourse, you can reduce the interval.

I have recently noticed two thin pink pieces of flesh hanging out of my vagina. I think these are pieces of torn hymen, but I'm not sure. I lost my virginity about 5 months ago and have been sexually active ever since. What is this? (age 19)

The most likely scenario is that they are hymen remnants. Do they have any sensation?

I have never done masturbation before and I never feel like doing it even at my age. I only rarely feel aroused. Is this a problem? What should I do because I feel like I should be masturbating by now? (age 20)

I would encourage you to try masturbating. There's a very good chance you will enjoy it. I suggest you start by reading my page about masturbating for young females.

In a previous answer you said, "it's best if you can teach yourself to orgasm without increasing speed and pressure." Why? I'm asking because my boyfriend (who is 21) asks me to do this during manual intercourse. I just want to make sure that it's not bad for him. Is it? (age 20)

Many males (and females) increase their speed and pressure as they near orgasm. It's fairly normal and not bad. However, in an ideal world, you wouldn't have to do that. It's always best if you can cause an orgasm with only a minimal amount of force. I think you should keep stroking your boyfriend the way he asks you.

When I first started masturbating, I found it highly beneficial, but lately when I try, I don't get aroused. Why is this, and how can I get aroused by masturbation again? (age 17)

I think you're making the problem worse than it is. Just wait until you're aroused by something, and then you'll find masturbation to be exciting and beneficial.

I like to masturbate a lot. I found it difficult to get through a school day without masturbating, so I started putting an egg vibrator in the crotch of my panties and the battery pack in the waistband when I dress in the morning. Now, I can go to the restroom and have a quick orgasm when I need one. Do you think there is anything wrong with this practice? (age 16)

I advise against the use of vibrators at your age. You say you masturbate a lot, so I'm guessing you don't use a vibrator every time. Nearly all students -- male and female -- can get through the school day without an orgasm, so your statement really makes me believe you're masturbating compulsively. If you think it's a problem, you might want to talk to a mental health practitioner about it.

Follow-up from another reader: I know how she's feeling because sometimes I need to pleasure myself in school too (to deal with all the stress), but I can't imagine using a vibrator to do it because they make so much noise. I just adjourn to the girls' room and pleasure myself in a stall. It only takes a few minutes and I don't make so much noise that anyone could figure out what was going on. (age 16)

I didn't know there was so much masturbating going on in the high schools. I didn't masturbate at school until I was in graduate school and had a private office.

I have masturbated ever since I can remember. Every time, I reach a climax after a couple of minutes and then usually I stop because the urge has gone. This climax isn't particularly dramatic or intense like some people describe theirs to be. Is this a proper orgasm or is there something I'm missing? (age 19)

I would suggest continuing to masturbate after you think the urge has gone and see if you can bring yourself back to a second (or third or fourth) climax. You might like what happens.

When I get turned on, I feel really warm, tingly, and wet down there. However, sometimes I notice in sexual situations I'll get really wet, but I won't have any of the other feelings. Is this my body physically getting turned on still just not as much as the other times with the other warm and tingly feelings? When I'm really turned on, I feel a rush and almost a pulsing feeling. Thank you for your site; it's answered many of my questions and those of my friends. (age 20)

Not all arousals are equal. Sometimes you can get completely turned on and other times only enough to help yourself along or to get started. The important thing is to relax and not be worried about what is or is not happening. With practice, you can learn how to increase your sexual response the way you want it to.

Someone on this site said she could orgasm without touching herself. Is this true? I don't know how that could happen. I have had a go at it but I just can't do it. (age 12)

Yes, I have quoted people saying that, but I don't know if they're telling the truth or not. If they are, they might be one in a million, or at least one in ten thousand. I would urge you to forget about it and instead work on learning how to use the right touch to bring yourself to orgasm. That's what nearly all women (and men) do.

Since I have been reading HealthyStrokes, I have learned to masturbate, and now it is one of my favorite things to do! Thank you so much for helping me learn to masturbate. I will always love you for it!!! (age 15)

I had a really nice time masturbating the other night, but about a half hour after I finished, I threw up. Did masturbating make me vomit? (age 13)

No. Don't worry about that.

I usually masturbate with running water, something I have done for many years. When I started it, I didn't have a boyfriend and I didn't know that isn't a good way to masturbate. Now when I have sexual experiences with men, I usually don't enjoy sex. What can I do? Is it possible to have orgasms with men if I have had frequent masturbation with water? I don't want to tell my doctor because I feel very dirty about it. (age 19)

It is certainly possible to overcome your problem with time and patience. You should start by deciding to quit masturbating with running water. As you get more used to masturbating by hand, you are likely to achieve greater sexual response with partners too. Also, keep in mind that you can enjoy sex even if you don't have an orgasm.

This site is great! I find that I achieve more pleasurable orgasms if I masturbate standing up. I also orgasm sooner. I can still achieve orgasm in the usual position on my back. Is this unusual? (age 16)

Not very many females masturbate standing up, but there is no problem with it. I've heard of males doing it standing when they're trying to masturbate in a semi-private place (e.g., a bathroom stall).

I've always used a vibrator when masturbating, but when I use a toothbrush internally and the vibrator externally together, when I orgasm I can't really feel anything and it doesn't really feel that good. I find that I can't orgasm when I use anything internally but only externally. Is there anything I can do to fix my problems? (age 15)

You report that using two vibrators causes you to lack sensitivity. Why not give up both vibrators and learn how good you can make yourself feel using only your hands?

Immediately after I orgasm, I have no interest to try for another one. My sexual desire/horniness is completely drained. Is there an area or something I can do to rev myself up to go for another orgasm? (age 18)

It's pretty normal to stop after only one orgasm, but people who are multi-orgasmic will often keep going. If you can find some way to restrain your orgasm so that it isn't completely draining, then I think you'll be on the road to multiple orgasms.

I've been masturbating for 3 months. I tried a banana as a dildo. When I got up the next day, my whole area was sore. Did I do something wrong? The banana eventually split and I got some in my vagina. Is that going to hurt it? (age 20)

I'm just thinking about what it would be like to tell people I know a woman who made a banana split in her vagina! If it hurts, you used too much force. Work at using a level of force that doesn't make you hurt the next day. (Same rule for lifting heavy objects...) Getting banana in your vagina could cause a yeast infection, but that's by no means certain.

When I masturbate with my hands, I play with my clitoris. I barely touch it, but when I go faster, it feels like an extreme itch is being scratched. My back gets bent in and my whole body moves, but I can never reach orgasm. Why? (age 18)

I'm inclined to believe that when your back gets bent and your whole body moves, that's either an orgasm or at least the start of one. Keep up what you're doing at that point and see where it leads. Congratulations on harnessing the power of your clitoris.

I've read about a disease called yeast infection. Is it common? Is it actually caused by yeast? How do you get yeast into your vagina? Is yeast infection an STD? (age 11)

A yeast infection is about as common as a cold. Most women will have a few in their lives. The vagina naturally contains yeast. A yeast infection is an overgrowth of yeast, often caused by some external chemical getting into the vagina. On this site, I often urge females to avoid masturbating with foods containing sugar, because these can cause yeast infections. A yeast infection is not ordinarily considered an STD, but women who have sex with other women can pass yeast infections to each other by some ways of having sex.

I am a virgin, and I never have had anyone sexually pleasure me before. I have been curious about masturbation and have tried a few times, but it literally lasts 5 minutes. When I try to go a size up, I just can't do it! It's not that it hurts but it just doesn't do it for me, and I'm worried that sex later in life will be a horrific experience and fail completely. I've tried small, to medium at most, each a different technique. I am scared. Please help? (age 16)

You give the impression that you expect instant results. Masturbation is very pleasurable, but not every female enjoys it the first few times, and many, many females don't have orgasms from it until they've been doing it for years. It's the same way with intercourse. In order to succeed at female sexuality, you need to be patient and give your body a chance to acclimate to what is happening. You say you've masturbated "a few times"; the average girl your age who answered my survey masturbates four times a week. If going up a size doesn't hurt, you're ahead of a lot of women. Give the new size a chance before deciding it doesn't work for you. Five minutes is not such a bad time. According to a survey of over 3000 females by HealthyStrokes.com in 2007-08, 18 percent of females claimed to take five minutes to masturbate to orgasm. It was the second most popular answer.

I really want to insert fingers, but it burns. Is it normal? What should I do? (age 17)

Your fingers should not burn. More likely, you have something on your fingers that is making that happen. Try washing your hands thoroughly before masturbating. If the problem persists, it might be that the soap you're using is at fault. Try a different soap or washing without soap.

Today my friend looked up porn on my laptop as a joke. Does this mean that she wanted us to watch it and masturbate together or does this just mean that she was having a joke? (age 15)

You said it was a joke. You're safer assuming it was a joke than assuming she wants to masturbate together.

Why is it better to fantasize than to look at pictures while masturbating? (age 13)

Fantasizing is a sexual skill. Looking at a picture isn't. Fantasizing requires making your brain work. The brain is the most important organ for sex. Looking at a picture is using a shortcut that doesn't require you to think. It contains someone else's sexual fantasy pre-dispensed for you. When you fantasize, you learn all kinds of thoughts that can lead you to orgasm. You can call on those later. It's the difference between learning to do your own schoolwork and copying the answers out of a book.

The other night, I dreamed one of my female friends fingered me to orgasm. I also remember getting an orgasm in my sleep. This is by far the most aroused I have ever been with fantasizing/dreaming about a girl. I get very horny when it comes to guys. Do you think its possible I'm bi? (age 20)

Certainly it's possible, but you shouldn't give much weight to something that happens in a dream. If you really had an orgasm in your sleep, congratulations. It doesn't happen to very many, especially at your age.

My boyfriend and I have been having sex for some time... he told me last night I was the best he has ever had and that I seem like an expert, but he is the first guy I've been with. Is it bad that he thinks of me like that? He is also very supportive of my attraction to women. (age 16)

He meant it as a compliment, but you seem to feel taken aback because it was an explicit comparison to other females. I think you should just take it as a compliment and hope that in time he outgrows the need to tell you things like that.

After several years of masturbation, I've never been satisfied with my ability to orgasm. Lately I've been having dreams that lead to orgasms in my sleep that are much more intense than anything I've been able to do while awake. What can I do to bring this ability to my life when awake? (age 20)

Use the dreams to help you understand what erotic thoughts to pursue. They're just dreams, but maybe you can react to something you first experienced in a dream. You can enjoy your orgasms more when you're relaxed and not trying to bring about a particular kind of orgasm.

My laptop broke down and my older brother's friend took it home to fix it. I watch a lot of porn! He has to look through all my files and I'm scared he'll tell my parents. I know my parents won't be cool with it. What should I do? (age 14)

I don't think he'll tell your parents. You are worrying over nothing.

I've never reached orgasm. My boyfriend has tried and tried. He has brought other girls to orgasm before. Is there something wrong with me? (age 16)

It is easier to learn to orgasm by masturbating. Once you are experienced bringing yourself to orgasm, you will have an easier time showing your boyfriend what to do.

I've recently been trying masturbation, and the other day I had my first orgasm within a few minutes. It wasn't as powerful as some described here, but it scared me. I didn't cry out or shake, but it was so sudden and it was such a strange feeling that I've been afraid to try it again. Is it common to be startled and nervous about an orgasm? Should I try it again? Is it something you get used to? (age 16)

Yes, I definitely think you should try it again. And again and again. I've never thought of it as an acquired taste. Most people enjoy orgasm so much the first time that they can't wait to do it again. Now that you've done it once and know what happens, you have less reason to be nervous.

A couple of months ago, there was this guy who was five years older than mewho was trying to get me to have sex with him. He's in jail for what he was saying to me to other girls, but he was saying things that made me feel really good. We ended up having phone sex (which I regret deeply), and it's making me think about my current boyfriend in a more sexual way. I don't want to do anything with him! What should I do? (age 13)

Five years is not a large age difference for adults, but when one is 13 and one is 18, that's a huge difference. I suspect he's not in jail for talking but for actually doing something sexual. After your recent experience, you would be better off not having a boyfriend at all for a while. Just take some time away from relationships and the sexual temptation they're bringing to figure out what your priorities are.

Recently, my younger sister who is 18 divulged to me that she was curious about what an erect penis looks like. I skirted the question. I am married and watch pornography with my husband and I almost want to just tell her to look it up on her computer. I think she is scared of getting a computer virus, and I am a little worried that if she does start looking at things she may become addicted. I didn't start watching porn until I was married and I don't know if it would have been healthy if I had started earlier. What do you think I should do? (age 20)

This is the kind of question I usually get from siblings who are 13 and 11. Your sister is an adult and she can make adult choices. You would not be corrupting her by showing her something on the Internet that answers her questions. There are plenty of places on the Internet that offer tasteful photos, videos, and illustrations for sex-education purposes. The illustrations here on HealthyStrokes.com are certainly in that category.

I have been masturbating for years with a pillow and it never satisfies me. I am multi-orgasmic, but this is a problem because once I start masturbating, I feel irritable because no amount of orgasms is ever enough. It keeps me up at night and I'll just be having great urges to have sex. What can I do about it? (age 16)

For starters, I advise against masturbating with a pillow. Perhaps learning to use your own hand is what you need to feel satisfied. If you really can't be satisfied even with multiple orgasms, then perhaps you could use professional help or at least a support group.

I'm still a virgin, but I've masturbated since I was 13. I think now I'm ready to have sex, but I'm worried I won't be tight, especially because my boyfriend is looking forward to not having sex with someone without a hymen. Do you think mine would be gone by now? And are Kegel exercises the only thing I can do to help? (age 15)

You used three negatives in that sentence, so I can only guess what you meant. Kegel exercises are always a good idea. I doubt that your boyfriend would complain about your vagina.

I've just recently started rubbing a wide tooth comb on my clitoris, for "fake vibrations." Is this a form of TMS? (age 17)

No.

Follow-up from another reader: I thought I'd try it out, but now I'm worried that it might cause me problems having orgasms during sex. Are you sure it won't cause TMS? (age 15)

TMS is masturbating in the prone (face-down) position. Masturbating with a comb is not a typical way of masturbating, but I've never heard of it causing problems, and it certainly isn't TMS.

My brother and I were home from college. Poking around the cabinets, we found my dad's Cialis. Laughing, I dared my brother to take one. He did. He kept saying it wasn't working. Then a few hours later, he said it did. He had a massive erection. He said it was so stiff and massive. He said he had masturbated and it still didn't go down. Could this have hurt him? I sort of feel guilty. (age 20)

An erection that lasts five hours or more can cause damage to the penis. It is a condition called priapism. Most males masturbate or have intercourse in order to get the erection down. If it doesn't work, they should get to an emergency room. The greater danger was that your brother had a medical condition that a physician would have taken into account before prescribing Cialis. I don't think you showed proper respect to either your father or brother.

My best friend and I have always been very open with each other about our masturbation, and we both enjoy it very much. About six months ago, she got a genital piercing, and now she says it's the greatest thing she ever did, because it makes masturbation much more pleasurable. She's encouraging me to have one, but I'm not sure. What do you think? (age 17)

If you're not sure, then I don't know how you could be comfortable with some person who isn't even a doctor using a sharp instrument to make a hole in your genitals.

My boyfriend is 31 years old. He has been abstinent for the last 15 years. During that time he would masturbate at least once every other day, sometimes more. During intercourse he has difficulty keeping an erection. As soon as he inserts his penis he loses the erection. We tried at least 10 times in one setting, and his penis would not stay hard. It will quickly get hard again but once inside he loses it again. What is your recommendation to fix this problem? Is it a medical concern and he should see a doctor, or is he just used to masturbating and needs to refrain for a while?

I would suggest he abstain from masturbating for 5-7 days before your next attempt at intercourse. If that doesn't work, it would be useful to get an erection drug from his doctor. He probably won't need it permanently but it would be good to let him complete intercourse with you.

I just started going out with this guy that I have liked for a really long time. At first I was happy about it but then we started holding hands and getting more physical and I really don't like that. I've had a crush on him forever, so I don't know why I'm suddenly not physically attracted to him and don't want to do things like hold hands. I feel like I have some sort of mental block about being physical. How can I get over this? (age 16)

You don't say whether you've done physical things with other guys. If not, then you're just inexperienced and need to take time to get accustomed to being up close and personal with a guy. If you have, then maybe your body or subconscious or something is telling you that this guy isn't right for you.

I am a straight female. Sometimes I enjoy watching almost every type of porn, including gay porn (male on male AND girl on girl). Is this normal? (age 15)

A lot of people your age are curious about various kinds of sex and watch different pictorial representations of it. Just remember that porn isn't real.

When my boyfriend and I make out, sometimes he puts the head of his penis inside of my vagina, and I never saw any blood come out and he moves it very slowly. Am I still a virgin? (age 21)

If you've had any part of a penis inside your vagina, you are not a virgin.

Recently I started getting these really intense throbbing/pressure headaches after I orgasm. It just started happening a few weeks ago. The pain is intense and it's really scary. Should I be worried? What is causing this and how do I make it stop? (age 16)

Those are orgasm headaches. Both males and females have them occasionally. I don't have a page about them specifically on HealthyStrokes.com, so I suggest doing a search on that term.

I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost two years now and we have sex about once a week. We both live at our respective parents' houses so it is hard to have sex. When he is over at my house, he says he gets turned on when other people are in the house. Personally I don't like to have sex when my whole family is around; it turns me off.

Lately I have been picturing/thinking about having sex with other men. I would never act on my thoughts. Could you give me any thoughts on what I should do because if I had it my way I would want to have sex at least 3 times a week. (age 22)

Perhaps you could figure out your families' schedules so you could pick a time and place in advance to have sex that is to your liking. If you really want to experience sex with other men, then it would be a good idea to tell your boyfriend you don't want to be exclusive. The downside is that you might want him all to yourself again but find that he's moved on to other women in that same time.

One of my guy friends smelled another friend's shirt and told him that he needed to masturbate. The other friend agreed. Can you smell some special smell when someone hasn't masturbated? If so,how long does it take to develop that smell? (age 17)

They were putting you and each other on. Anyway, at your age, males need to masturbate almost constantly, so they weren't technically lying.

It doesn't feel good when I touch myself. My clitoris isn't very sensitive for some reason or another, so I don't get much out of touching it. Fingering myself either hurts or doesn't feel like anything at all. I'm a virgin, so I don't know if I can orgasm during sex or not. What is wrong with me? (age 18)

I think you just need practice. Not all females instantly like the feeling of touching themselves. Fingering yourself will hurt less as your practice it. If you do both regularly, within a few months something will feel just right and you will start to enjoy it more.

When I was a little girl, I started masturbating face down and I've always masturbated that way. If I try to masturbate in the traditional way, I don't feel much of anything at all. I'm a virgin, and I'm scared that when I start having sex, I won't be able to enjoy it. I read somewhere that guys can retrain themselves to masturbate the conventional way, and they can fix the problem. Can this problem be corrected in females too? (age 18)

Yes. The masturbatory retraining program that I provide on this site (see the main page) works for both males and females. You might also consider joining the online support group for females.

I have only ever masturbated lying down on my back. I know lying on my stomach is bad, but what can you suggest that will give me some variety? (age 19)

Lots of females (and males) find it's an intense sensation to masturbate while kneeling. You might try that on something soft like a bed and see how you like it.

I get extremely turned on by these questions and answers. Is this normal? (age 13)

I've heard that from time to time. Getting turned on is a good thing. It's good if many things turn you on.

I recently overheard my daughter talking to a friend about HealthyStrokes.com. Concerned that it might contain inappropriate material, I visited and spent some time here. I believe the advice given is quite commonsense and worthwhile, and this is an excellent service for young people. Since most of your readers are young, I hope they don't get the impression that masturbation is something that they will, or should outgrow. Believe me, with a husband and three school-age children, with the shopping, cooking, cleaning, sports, and scouting, if I didn't take time several times a week to have a hot bath, unplug the phone, put on some soft music and unhide my vibrator and baby oil, my family would have committed me to an asylum years ago. (age 36)

Thanks for your approval. I note in both the Young Man's Guide and the Young Woman's Guide that people typically masturbate for the rest of their lives whether or not they also have sex with partners.

When I'm masturbating, I only feel slight pleasure for at the most 5 seconds. Am I really having an orgasm? (age 13)

It could be an orgasm. More likely it's the start of one. Keep working at it. You're doing well for your age.

I blush really badly when I'm around older, attractive looking men. It totally embarrasses me! Is that normal? (age 20)

I don't think it means there's anything wrong with you. You might just need to spend more time around men and become more comfortable with them. I always like when younger women blush around me!

I'm really tight down there and I wonder if I'll ever be able to have sex. Can I do something about it? Should I get a vibrator? (I want one, and I've been masturbating for a long time.) (age 16)

Of course you'll be able to have sex. PC muscle (Kegel) exercises are apt to help you feel more comfortable with your vagina. If you want a vibrator, I suspect you'll get one sooner or later, but I advise against using it all the time.

I can stick pineapple in my vagina. Is that bad? (age 16)

Yes. Anything with sugar in it is a risk for your vagina. It can cause infections in there. Keep sugar out of your vagina.

I've been masturbating for a long time and I'm wondering if the fact that I masturbate internally means that I won't have too much trouble during intercourse. I still stimulate my clitoris but when I'm about to come, I move toward the opening of my vagina. I reach orgasm both ways but vaginal feels better. Also, I feel that I am more turned on than the average female. I masturbate at least once daily or whenever I can and I think about sex A LOT. Is there something wrong with me? I'm also a virgin. (age 20)

I didn't notice anything wrong with that. You are orgasmically versatile, which will serve you well when you have sex.

Are there still 34 year old virgins? How can I see my hymen? I've only been using large Playtex tampons. (age 34)

According to a survey of over 3000 females in 2007-08 by HealthyStrokes.com, 5.3 percent of those age 34 and older are still virgins. You ought to be able to see your hymen with a large mirror.

Recently I've been talking to a boy online and I told him that I've been masturbating since I was 10 and now he wants me to masturbate thinking of him 3 times a day. Is it healthy to masturbate so much? (age 12)

There's nothing wrong with masturbating three times a day (at least not at your age), but I think it would be better if you really wanted to do it and not because someone online told you to. Be careful what you tell strangers online.

I am happily married and wondering what percentage of women my age masturbate. I do it about once a week with a vibrator. They sell them at chain drugstores now, so that must mean a lot of women are doing it. (age 55)

According to a survey of over 3000 females by HealthyStrokes.com in 2007-08, of women in their 50s, all but one of 56 claims to currently masturbate. The average 50-something woman masturbates 12.8 times per month.

When I masturbate, I mostly lie on my back. I rub my clitoris and make it feel really good. I also do some vaginal masturbating too, but I can't seem to orgasm masturbating vaginally. What is wrong? Is this going to affect me trying to have an orgasm when I decide to have sex? (age 17)

There is no bad kind of orgasm. If you like vaginal better than clitoral, it's compelely up to you. I think with some more practice you will be able to orgasm vaginally. I think you are getting some good practice for sex.

I'm bisexual. I've had sex with 3 girls. The last person I had sex with was just a hook up and there was no relationship, Sex for just sex isn't a problem for me. Why am I so hesitant about having sex with a guy? Even guys whom I'm attracted to, I'm very nervous about having sex with. I've never done anything more than kiss guys. What's going on? Sex with girls can be very meaningful to me or just sex, but I'm almost afraid to have sex with a guy. (age 18)

You are still pretty young. For a lot of people, the idea of sex with a male takes getting used to. It's a good idea to wait until you're comfortable with it before having sex.

My boyfriend and I have a very satisfying sex life except for one thing: When he masturbates, his strokes are really, really fast. I can't move my arm, mouth, or body that fast, and so when we have intercourse and he is ready to climax, he pulls out and strokes himself to orgasm. I've only been able to make him ejaculate without his help twice. It puts a damper on my self-esteem because I feel like I can't please him. Is there anything he can do? (age 19)

You ought not feel lessened self-esteem because none of it is your fault. A jackhammer-like stroke is bad for training a man to have orgasm in intercourse. The best masturbation is accomplished with as little force as necessary. It would be good if your boyfriend could work at using less force. It might be necessary for him to abstain from orgasm for up to a week at a time to allow him to learn to masturbate with less force. The masturbatory retraining steps on the main page would be useful to him. Of course, he has to be the one who wants to change.

Is it possible for my boyfriend to know that I am not a virgin when we have sex? The first time I had sex I didn't bleed or anything. Is that normal? (age 17)

A lot of females don't bleed the first time. I highly doubt your boyfriend could feel the difference, if such a thing is even possible. I think the only way he'll know you aren't a virgin is if you tell him.

I live with my mom, new step-dad, two older sisters, and twin younger brothers. I have found since I moved in with my new family I have become far more aroused and am aroused a lot easier. Could that be because I haven't been sexually active in 3 months? Why am I attracted to men ages 18-35? Is that bad? Would it be healthy for me to find time to hide away and masturbate? Would that ease my sexual urges? (age 16)

Your mom remarrying has changed your life. That and the new living situation might affect your sexual urges. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. Being more aroused and more easily is usually a good thing too. I doubt that 3 months without sex would make such a difference, especially at your age. Being attracted to 18 year olds is pretty normal for your age, but being attracted to 35 year olds is rare, not that it's necessarily bad. It would be a very good idea to wait until you're 18 to act on your sexual urges with anyone older than 20. I think masturbating would do a lot to resolve your sexual urges. I suggest taking more time to think things over.

I have developed a black spot on my abdomen below my breasts. Is it because of masturbation? I started masturbating when I was 10. (age 15)

I don't know how masturbating could cause such a spot. A change in color on the skin can be a warning sign of cancer. It would be a good idea to see a doctor about that right away. I doubt he/she will ask or that you need volunteer that you masturbate.

You've said prostate stimulation is not a good choice to make. When my boyfriend and I have intercourse, I occasionally apply a minuscule amount of pressure to his perineum with my knuckles, and he says the orgasm is amazing. Am I risking causing harm to him? I will stop if I am. (age 17)

It must be pretty hard to judge what a minuscule amount of force is when you're in the middle of an orgasm. There is nothing wrong with gentle touching of the perineum -- but you want to avoid blocking his ejaculation. By the way, what you describe will not stimulate the prostate; the prostate can only be stimulated through the rectum.

First of all, your web site is fantastic. Do many people come to HealthyStrokes.com just to read the stories? Some of them are highly erotic, entertaining, and a few are even very well written. Story web sites are all full of cliched stories, but I've much preferred recently the realistic stories on HealthyStrokes.com. Am I the only one? (age 19)

I certainly hope you're not the only one! I think most people come here to read the answers to the factual questions. Those pages are more popular than the pages that are more story-oriented (dorm masturbation, getting caught masturbating, wet dreams, etc.). I'm glad not everyone who visits HealthyStrokes.com posts a story or a question; anywhere from 2,000-5,000 people visit the site every day. (There was a 13,000 visitor day last month!) But I really wish more of them were like you! Thanks for reading, and please tell me how I can make your visits more enjoyable.

I have a friend/roommate who is a virgin like me and says it's weird to masturbate on your own and will only let her boyfriend do it to her. I only started masturbating at 17 and I've never had a boyfriend. Is she right? Should I just wait until I find a boyfriend? (age 19)

I don't think she's right at all. Sex experts are almost unanimous in agreeing that masturbation is not only good practice for sexual intercourse but very healthy in itself. Anyway, if someone else is doing it, it's not masturbation; it's manual intercourse. So by definition, masturbating is only done on yourself. Keep up the good stuff!

I always lie down in my room masturbating every evening with the door closed. I can't lock it because whenever my dad finds it locked, he gets suspicious. Whenever my dad comes in, I manage to stop quickly before he sees me. He doesn't know that I masturbate. I thought I would try it since I didn't believe orgasms were true. Now I do it every night and occasionally on evenings. Am I too young to do this, and am I getting addicted to masturbating? (age 11)

You're definitely not too young, and I wouldn't worry about getting addicted. Lots of young people do it a lot when they first discover it, but eventually they drop down to about once a day, sometimes more. Congratulations on getting cured of your disbelief about orgasms.

I masturbate 10-15 times a day. My friend and I always talk about sex and this kind of thing, and she says that masturbating 10-15 times a day is not normal. Is she right? Am I masturbating too much? (age 15)

I agree with your friend. According to a survey of over 3,000 females by HealthyStrokes.com in 2007-08, the average girl your age masturbates 22 times per month. Only one female in the entire survey claimed to masturbate as often as you do.

Is it OK to not have had a boyfriend or to have even kiseed a guy by the time you're 16? (age 16)

Certainly it's OK. Many females haven't done either of those things at age 16, and some decide to never do them in their lives. Don't feel out of place. A large share of your classmates have the same experience you do.

I must have the hairiest pubis in the school. I want to shave it because it interferes with masturbating, but I'm afraid if I do and let it grow back out, it will just come in thicker and coarser. What do you think? (age 15)

If it interferes with masturbating, then you ought to do something about it. Keep in mind you don't have to shave it completely; you can trim it to reduce the bulk and that wouldn't affect the growth at the root.

I have a question about my boyfriend, age 19. A while ago we noticed a very small bump underneath his penis at the base but above his testicals. It feels like it's right under the skin, it's not red, but it used to be pea sized and now it's more like peanut M&M and he says it hurts a little now. He's not really interested in going to the doctor, and I've come here for help so much it was the next best thing I could think of. I love your web site so much. I was hoping to get your opinion on what it could be. (age 19)

An unusual growth should always be examined by a doctor. Especially since his is getting bigger. Strange as it sounds, the pain is a good sign because that means it's less likely to be cancerous. The most likely scenario is that it's a skin irritation or infection. If he really refuses to go to a doctor, then I suggest he soap the area thoroughly while showering for several weeks to see if it can be reduced.

I have a chronic vaginal pain disorder called vulvodynia, which is complicated by vaginismus, which I developed as a result of so many years of pain upon insertion of anything. I have been masturbating since I was nine, and I can climax from both external and internal stimulation. One finger inside me is fine, and sometimes I can manage two, but it burns a little. Any more than that is impossible though, and penis-in-vagina sex is out of the question.

Do you believe that there are men out there that will be interested in having a relationship with me despite my limitations? I feel like I'll be alone forever because sex is so important for men and although I am capable of performing other sexual acts, vaginal sex is not something I can ever give them. Do you think it will be impossible for me to find someone accepting of this? How do I approach this issue? If a guy were to ask me out, when would be the appropriate time to tell him about this problem? I don't want to seem presumptuous by telling him immediately, but I don't want him to feel led on or like I've wasted his time by my waiting too long to tell him. (age 20)

Those are difficult questions. Surely there are some men out there who would be interested in you, but if you advertise your condition upfront, then I would be afraid you'd attract a particularly unstable subset of sexually unhealthy men. Certainly there's no reason to tell a man at the point he asks you out -- but if you get to the point on a date where physical intimacy commences, it would be honest to tell him you won't be able to have sex with him tonight and maybe never. My real question for you, is why are you giving up at age 20? You can't have seen very many professionals about this problem. I would suggest getting to know a sex therapist who's experienced in this problem. I know there are online support groups for women with vaginismus and vulvodynia. Why not get involved in one of them and expand your horizons?

Follow-up: I suppose I have given up because I feel as though it's unlikely I'm ever going to receive the help that I need. I live in Britain, and there is only one hospital in my city, with only one sexual health clinic. And there was a waiting list to even be seen by a gynecologist -- I had to wait over a year for a consultation. And before that, none of the doctors I saw even believed I had a legitimate condition even though I insisted somthing was wrong. They told me that I was just tense, and that it was my fault for tightening and they refused to help me. The gynecologist I'm with now still doesn't fully believe that I have vulvodynia, even though my case screams that I do, just because I didn't pass one silly little test that I've read about online and that isn't even conclusive. There are so many gynecologists who are not as familiar with this condition as they should be, and it means that getting help is very difficult for me. So I can't imagine ever being able to have sex, given that two fingers hurts so much. I feel very let down my the medical community and don't know what more I can do to make myself heard and receive proper treatment.

You have to be more proactive than that. If your local doctor is clueless, then travel to London or some other large city. I suggest starting here: http://www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org/

Follow-up: You say that like it's an easy thing to do. Do you know how much it costs to travel to a city like London? I'm an unemployed student. Even if I could afford the journey, it would cost a lot to see a private specialist, and any doctor other than that will only see you if you are referred through your GP. I haven't been simply sitting at home all these years, wallowing in self pity and refusing to try anything to help myself. You have no idea the lengths I've gone to. Please don't imply that I am only in this horrible situation because I simply haven't tried hard enough. The fact is, it's unlikely that I will ever be cured, which means no sex. And because this is a major possibility, I wanted a man's opinion on the matter. That is all.

I think you can drive to London or Glasgow from the farthest point in Britain in less than six hours. I live in a country a lot bigger than yours and understand traveling afield when in need of help. Again I suggest getting involved in a support group at Vaginismus Awareness Network. Maybe there is someone working on it closer than you think. Maybe there is a doctor looking for patients for a study and you'd be perfect. Surely you would find a lot of women who have gone through the same thing and have advice. You are awfully young to be writing like you've given up. Perhaps you could find another woman in the support group who lives near you and would be willing to travel with you to visit a doctor who believes in vulvodynia. Help Is on the Way!

Follow-up from a male reader: Dont feel discouraged by the thought you will never get a man because of a physical inability to have sex. Unlike the stereotype men seem to have that we want sex and only sex from a significant other, the reality is that while men do have a high sex drive (especially in the early twenties) most men are mature enough to want a relationship and a partner to be there for them. Personally, if a woman in my life broke this sort of news to me, I would be concerned about her and do all I could to help her. (age 21)

1) How can I stroke myself better? 2) What percentage of girls my age masturbate? 3) How is masturbating healthy? 4) Is it safe to use lotion as a lube? (age 13)

According to a survey by HealthyStrokes.com in 2007-08, 97 percent of 13-year-old girls have masturbated. The majority of 13 year old females masturbate between 10 and 30 times a month. Lotion needs some caution. It is OK on the outside of the body but caution should be exercised if the lotion is going inside. You would be safer with something made especially for sex, like Astroglide or K-Y Liquid. I think you'll have to figure out for yourself how to stroke better. Find out what you like.

My little brother almost caught me masturbating and since then when I hear noises I stop or wait until they're asleep. If he catches me, what should I do? (age 14)

There's a good chance your little brother is already masturbating too, and if he isn't, he will be soon. You could set a good example by not worrying so much about being discovered, and if you are, it's more likely that the person who did will be in the wrong.

Why do girls get a tingly feeling or sensation down there such as the vagina? (age 22)

When a man or woman is sexually aroused, they tend to feel it most in their private parts -- the penis for males and the vagina for females. Oftentimes the feeling radiates outward from those parts (especially when one of them has an orgasm) but the center of it, where most of the feeling is happening is in those parts. The tingly feeling is where it starts.

I masturbate frequently and it feels good but I have never orgasmed. I want to have sex with my boyfriend but how do I explain this to him? I don't want him to feel bad if he can't make me orgasm because even I haven't been able to. (age 18)

You can enjoy intercourse without having an orgasm. You don't need to tell your boyfriend in advance that you've never had an orgasm. It is unlikely he will be able to make you orgasm in the context of your first intercourse, and you might be making him self-conscious by doing so. Instead, just enjoy it and work at being orgasmic later. It's possible you'll learn some things about yourself by having sex that will let you reach orgasm on your own or with a partner.

When I stretch my labia to see my vaginal opening, it looks like I have an imperforate hymen. Does this mean I need surgery? I am scared of touching it and want to masturbate internally but this is stopping me. (age 14)

An imperforate hymen is extremely unlikely. Even if you had one, you could break it on your own without surgery. There is no reason to be afraid to touch it. Most girls get more resistance from their vaginal wall muscles than their hymens the first time something goes into the vagina.

I masturbate every night (sometimes even two or three times a day total if I am extra horny) because it helps me sleep really well and I love to do it since I have a lot of sexual urges. I have not actually been caught, but I move around a lot when things start to feel really good. I have an old bed and it makes noise when I am going at it. I also like to moan and make noise, but I try to be quiet about it. Do you think people in the house know what is going on or am I just being paranoid? (age 17)

I doubt that anyone is paying much attention to your bed noises, and I also doubt they would conclude that you are masturbating if they did hear it. Moaning is a different deal. People will notice that. Be glad people in your house respect your privacy. They probably masturbate too.

I'm a virgin, and worried that when I first have sex it'll be really awkward/painful, as I can only seem to orgasm when masturbating in a certain way, in a certain position (flat on my back), and because I've been doing this regularly for over 2 years, I won't be able to be stimulated in other ways. I'm also concerned that I can only fit one finger inside myself, even when wet. What's the best way to fit more in there without hurting myself? (age 17)

You're really too worked up about a problem you don't have. When the time comes to be sexually active, then you will find out if you can accommodate a partner easily or only with difficulty. Practice makes perfect. Don't expect to be perfect right away. Having an orgasm in sex is not the same as having one masturbating. You shouldn't decide in advance that you will have orgasmic trouble.

Can a girl still have her period if she has an imperforate hymen? Can I see my hymen with a mirror or is it something only a doctor can see? (age 18)

It is extremely unlikely that you have an imperforate hymen. Menstrual flow might not be able to get around it, so a girl with an imperforate hymen would probably notice with her first or second period. You ought to be able to see your hymen with a mirror or perhaps a speculum and a mirror.

I have been masturbating for a long time for the most part externally with the crotch area of tight bathing suits lying on my back. It works much better and safer and I don't make too much of a mess. Do you think that would be the best start for younger girls who want to experiment? (age 27)

No, I don't. It is better if you can loosen clothing rather than learn to masturbate through a tight bathing suit. I encourage girls to become more familiar with their bodies and that usually means being free to touch.

Is it normal that I'm afraid to have sex? I've had sex before (three partners) but all of them were one-time things because I'm so uncomfortable with the idea. I also masturbate semi-regularly with my hands both externally and internally. Yet, I have never had an orgasm and I am worried about it. I also feel guilty afterward. (age 16)

I don't think you're really afraid to have sex, since at your young age, you've already had three partners. I think what you need is to find a regular boyfriend that you can be comfortable with in all kinds of situations. Then I don't think you'll be afraid; you'll want to have sex with him. It is also not unusual to feel guilty about masturbating and not have orgasms at your age. Just keep practicing and don't be obsessed about either guilt or having an orgasm. Just enjoy what you're doing and you'll get more used to the idea of masturbating (less guilty) and more likely to have an orgasm. All in good time.

I rarely masturbate but every time I do, I don't enjoy it much and soon get tired. How exactly should I do it to make myself enjoy it? (age 22)

The whole idea of "making yourself" enjoy it is wrong. You should just be "letting yourself" enjoy it. If you don't feel like masturbating at a particular time, then don't. Wait until the feeling is right and you feel like you could benefit from a gentle hand on or inside your privates. That's when you will discover feelings that will make you enjoy masturbating.

I have been sexually active for 2 years now, but I don't know if I've ever had an orgasm. I have felt a release of tension in my body once or twice during sex where I suddenly have no energy anymore, but I never felt overwhelmed or anything psychological. Is that an orgasm? Are there different kinds of orgasms? (age 20)

I don't think the suddenly running out of energy is an orgasm. It is easier to have an orgasm masturbating than in intercourse, so if you want to practice having an orgasm, you would have a better chance on your own. Masters and Johnson said there is only one kind of orgasm, but many women disagree. Many women say an orgasm is different whether it originates in the clitoris or the vagina or is brought on by sex or masturbating.

My boyfriend is 17. His brother married my mom recently, and now he is considered my uncle, but we were dating before that. Is it weird that me and my uncle have sex regularly? (age 16)

Your boyfriend's brother is now your stepfather, but your boyfriend is not your uncle, step or otherwise.

I want to try masturbating with other females, but none of my friends ever talk about masturbating or about sex. I have a boyfriend, but I just want to explore and try new things. What should I do? (age 18)

I think you should start by being honest with your boyfriend about wanting to experiment sexually. He would naturally consider it cheating. I also don't think it is a good idea to try to be sexual with your friends. You might find ways to connect socially with lesbian or bisexual women and see if they have any advice on finding the kind of relationship you desire.

I have masturbated using the end of a pen, but it didn't do anything. So I used a marker, and it felt better, but still not very good. So I tried a carrot and it was much, much better. But still, should I use a bigger object? They feel better the bigger they are. (age 18)

You know what you like better than I do. Just make sure to clean these objects before and after using them, and watch out for anything that causes pain.

Last year, my boyfriend and I were touching each other. He was touching my clitoris through my pants and it felt really good. We were unfortunatly forced to break up shortly after because we were caught in the act by his mom. Ever since then, my clitoris has been very sensitive. Is this normal? Also, when I masturbate I tend to think of him. I still haven't gotten over him yet. Is this OK? (age 15)

The event should not have made your clitoris particularly sensitive. It might be that's just the way it is. Most girls masturbate by rubbing the area around the clitoris rather than the organ itself. You might have an easier time getting over him if you thought about somebody else at least some of the time.

My brother just walked in on me masturbating. He just said "oh" and walked out. It was obvious he knew what I was doing as he could hear the vibrator between my legs. How do I address this situation? I'm mortified to leave my room now!

You don't say how old either of you are, but it's very likely he masturbates too. I don't think he's going to say anything to you or anyone else. He might be just as embarrassed as you are. I think when you emerge from your room, you'll find that everything is normal.

My first (and only) sexual experience was with a girl at the the age of 14. She was my friend and still is but now when I masturbate I think of her. When I watch porn, I like girl on girl, but I also like just heterosexual porn. Does this mean I'm a lesbian or is it just because she's the only one I've been with? We made an agreement that when I was 18 we would do more, but I wanna do it now. Should I tell her or wait!? (age 16)

Since the agreement pertained to when you were 18 rather than both of you, I'm guessing she's the older one. I'm not sure why the agreement is relevant unless she's much older and worried about statutory rape charges. I don't see how the agreement precludes you telling her what you want before you're 18. I would suggest getting some more experience (not necessarily sexual) with both males and females and see where your feelings lead you. You might find that this one experience is clouding your judgment about how you feel about both males and females.

What is a vagina supposed to smell like? Mine smells like change, like a penny or a dime. But when I'm on my period it can get a fishy smell. (age 13)

Now you've got my readers sniffing their change! What you describe is pretty normal; a vagina might have no discernible odor at all except when a female has her period. It's good to get used to whatever odor it has at your age, so if you ever get an infection or other cause of a different smell, you will be able to notice the difference.

I'm a twin which means I share my room with my twin sister and we have bunk beds. At night I like to masturbate but the bed is broken and makes tons of noise whenever I move. Do you think she knows what I'm doing? (age 16)

Would you know what she is doing if she were doing what you're doing?

I'm 15 and my boyfriend is 19, and I feel uncomfortable when I think about having sex with him. We haven't done anything yet but I hope to in the future and we are both virgins. Are there any possible answers on how to feel comfortable about sex? Or will time be our answer?

The only answer I have for now is that if you feel uncomfortable when you think about having sex, you would be even more uncomfortable doing anything sexual with him. Also, your age difference is such that he could go to jail for statutory rape, depending on the laws of your state. Time is your best answer.

Is it bad that I masturbate while fantasizing about my teacher who is 41? I had a dream with him in it and it made my night complete after a masturbatory session. Great site! (age 16)

I don't think it's bad, but I'm curious how you know your teacher's exact age.

Follow-up: Why do you think it is odd that I know my teacher's exact age? He told me and I was surprised as he looks a lot younger.

I didn't know very many of my teachers' exact ages, and I do what I can to keep my students from finding out mine.

I have never touched myself or ever desired to and the thought of sex is scary and embarrassing. Why do girls younger than me want to have sex? Is it strange to want things like holding hands with someone I like instead of sexual relationships? (age 15)

It's not at all strange. It's a lot better if you start off by holding hands and seeing if it leads to sexual things than by starting with a sexual relationship and seeing if it wants to make you hold hands. Some girls just get at the point where they are interested in sex earlier than others. If you ever want sex to be less scary and embarrassing, it would be a good idea to understand why most people touch themselves sexually on a regular basis.

I like to think of turtles while I masturbate. Is this OK? (age 14)

What you think about is up to you, but a girl I knew was deeply attached to her pet turtle. They were even married on facebook. Then she found out the turtle was female and they had a facebook divorce. Happily, she now has a male human boyfriend.

I masturbate almost every day, but sometimes when I fantasize or just watch a movie and see someone who's hot, I get a really strange feeling and then my vagina feels REALLY hot. Why does this keep happening? (age 15)

It's normal sexual arousal. Be glad you have it. Also, be glad that, unlike me, your private parts are on the inside of your body.

I haven't masturbated in nearly two weeks. But for the past few days, I have been getting really wet for no reason, just suddenly wet. Why is that? And what should I do? (age 20)

Wetness is a sign of sexual arousal, but you seem to not be sexually aroused and are reporting this as random wetness. You mention masturbating, as if to suggest not having done it lately as a cause. I would suggest you follow that line of thinking and masturbate and see if it makes a difference. If masturbating puts a stop to the random wetness, then I think it means regular masturbation is the solution.

Follow-up: I hadn't felt in the mood to masturbate in a while, and the wetness kept happening. I did what you said (I masturbated) and it actually worked -- no more random wetness. Why do you think I had random wetness?

Your Bartholin's glands (that produce vaginal lubrication) might have been overflowing, and masturbating stimulated them.

I masturbate EXTERNALLY with a pillow while lying on my back. Is this safe? (age 13)

Certainly safer than lying prone, but it would be safer still to use your hands.

Do I have TMS because I rub my vulva on the bed? Could you help me? (age 15)

Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS), the act of masturbating in the prone position by thrusting one's genitals into or against an object, has been documented as a cause of sexual dysfunction in males. There is some evidence that it is also a cause of sexual dysfunction in females. All you have to do to get over TMS is to give it up and learn to masturbate with your hand or hands while lying on your back. This is how most girls masturbate.

I was wearing leggings out the other day. As they are tight I go without underwear. When I realized it was really warm out, I quickly put on a skirt. My dad was driving me. I noticed he was staring. My skirt had slid up a bit and he could see my vulva. To be honest, I liked that he was looking at me and got turned on. I didn't do anything to fix my skirt. I even turned a bit and opened my legs some, so he could see more. I can't believe he didn't say anything. It was so hot. Is it normal to get aroused by these things? (age 16)

Be careful. When you realized he was staring, you didn't cover up; you exposed more. That makes you an exhibitionist. This is confirmed by your getting aroused by the exchange. You could get into serious trouble with the law or school authorities for doing that in public. I think you were both wrong. Your dad should have ignored it or told you to cover up, and you should have kept him from looking. Most girls would be horrified that their dad saw their private parts and not be aroused by it. (See my page about being caught masturbating.)

I've been masturbating externally for about 5 years and I'm scared that my vagina will be affected. (age 16)

Masturbating externally (rubbing your clitoris) will not affect your vagina.

I masturbate 2-3 times a day. No matter what I do I cannotbring myself to an orgasm. I read that 10-15% of women can't orgasm. Could there be something wrong with me? (age 13)

You are young and learning. Be patient. At the rate you're going, I suspect you'll be orgasming within a few years.

I love your site! I'm a virgin and last night I decided to try internal masturbation and I'm wondering how I would know if I broke my hymen. There was no blood last night but I noticed a little this morning. How can I check? (age 19)

You would probably need at least one mirror, maybe two. If you could spread your legs apart in front of a wall mirror, you would probably be able to see your hymen.

Just wanted to say that I just found your site and wanted to say how wonderful it was. I love that there is a place for young people to find information that they may have a hard time asking their parents. So from one of those people that masturbated at a young age, thank you! (age 23)

I was alone at work the other day, and for some reason I started to get wet. Before I knew it, I was masturbating at my desk with my pants down at my heels. It felt so good but unfortunately my boss walked in on me. He said he was very disappointed and suspended me for "the foreseeable future." I'm so upset at his reaction. What can I say to persuade him to change his mind? (age 27)

Tell him you'll file an unemployment claim if he doesn't reinstate you. He might have a hard time proving that masturbating in an empty office constitutes misconduct. Then the company would be liable for your unemployment compensation.

Is it bad to masturbate more than once every day? (age 14)

No, and most people who do it say it's good.

I usually masturbate in one way (I never orgasmed that way), but I tried something different last night. I put a finger on either side of the top of my clitoris, and rubbed while fantasizing. After a while, I started to shake, and my heart started beating really fast, like when I'm scared. I didn't stop because I didn't want the feeling to go away, even though it didn't feel exactly good, but then it stopped on it's own. Was this an orgasm? (age 13)

I think it was the start of one. Keep working at it. You'll have no doubt when you really orgasm.

Even though I sometimes feel aroused, I have never masturbated before, I've never had sex, and I've never really had a desire to do either. Is something wrong with me? Should I start masturbating? (age 19)

I would hesitate to say something's wrong with you, but most women your age masturbate frequently. When you feel aroused, give it a try. You might want to read my Young Woman's Guide to Masturbation.

I'm very new to this site, but I have already learned so much from it! I feel really gross when I masturbate, and I hate the feeling of the vagina. So I have a strange method of masturbating. I sit down, and push down on my bladder. Is this harmful? (age 16)

I think it is harmful. It is probably bad for your bladder, and it is an atypical method of masturbating that will not serve you well in the long run. You don't have to touch your vagina; most girls your age masturbate by stroking the clitoris. More specifically, they stroke the area around the clitoris and the clitoral hood. Soon your enjoyment of it will outweigh the grossness.

There is this guy I know, who I am not attracted to, but I think he has a crush on me. He's 13, and I prefer older guys. I have been having dreams that we are dating or that he's coming onto me, kissing my neck and such. They are freaky. Why am I having them? (age 16)

Probably no particular reason. People have lots of dreams they wouldn't want to see come true. I think it's a good idea for you to not date 13 year old boys.

My friend recently asked me if I masturbated, which I have. Then she asked if I could show her how it's done, because she hasn't tried before. What should I do? I'm not uncomfortable showing her. (age 17)

If you're not uncomfortable, then why do you ask? I think you're at least a little uncomfortable. If you're uncomfortable showing her (i.e., masturbating in front of her), then you should just tell her what to do or maybe refer her to an appropriate video.

I have masturbated internally for years. Recently I went to the gyno and the guy asked if I was sexually active, and I said no. Then he asked how often I masturbated, to which I replied nervously, "about four times a week." After the exam, he said, in front of my mom, that I use smaller objects for masturbation. I was mortified. My mom hasn't said anything about it, but I know she wants to. What should I do? (age 15)

I think you should confront him about invading your privacy and (if you're in the U.S.) make reference to HIPAA. If you don't want to discuss it with your mom, then don't. It's your business, not hers. She probably understands and was mortified along with you.

What percentage of teenage males and what percentage of teenage females have watched porn or watch it regularly? (age 14)

A survey of over 8000 males by HealthyStrokes.com in 2007 and of 3000 females in 2007-08 asked how often do you use pictures while masturbating? These are the results from respondents aged 13-19, inclusive:

Males Females

Almost always 31% 8%

Most of the time 32% 8%

Sometimes 24% 45%

Rarely 7% 21%

Never 6% 17%

Number of respondents 3988 1593

I have a best friend that I have been very, very close with for three years now. We have almost everything in common, but I feel that if she knew I masturbated she would be freaked out because she often shows disgust or confusion at masturbation jokes or mentions that come up. Is there a way to tell if she does without asking? Is it likely she doesn't? (age 14)

Not all best friends have to discuss masturbating. She might or might not. I think you should respect her privacy. She might want to talk about it in a few more years. Keep in mind that she might show disgust or confusion in order to keep from discussing it.

I started masturbating when I was 11. I did it with the bathtub faucet and then graduated to my hand. I have recently restarted masturbating by just rubbing my clitoris and I can only go for a few minutes before I have to climax and then I get sensitive. I don't think I'm orgasming. What does that mean? (age 16)

It means you are sexually responsive, which is a good thing. When you get sensitive, try to find ways of stimulating yourself that don't irritate you. For example, touch the area around the clitoris (labia, mons) instead of the clitoris itself. Resume touching the clitoris when you think it will be less sensitive.

I am bi, the proof being that I like a certain boy and his sister (yes, I am fully aware that this is in no way normal and somewhat sick). This boy and I have been playing Truth or Dare in a sort of twisted way for a while now. Recently, he has asked me to play this game on video chat. I am scared to say no because I like this boy and I'm not fully comfortable with him seeing me naked, but at the same time I'm scared to say yes because I know that this will end badly and I am likely to lose a good friend. What should I do? (age 12)

You should say no because you you're not fully comfortable with him seeing you naked and because you know if you say yes it will end badly. I don't accept your proof that you are bi. Give it more time and see if you have interest in any males besides this boy and any females besides his sister.

Is it normal to be sore after external masturbation? (age 14)

No. You're probably using too much force. See what a lighter touch will do for you.

Does internal masturbation help you in the future during sex? If you were to practice with internal masturbation, would you achieve an orgasm quicker during sex than if you have practiced external? (age 19)

That is a tough question. According to a survey of over 3000 females by HealthyStrokes.com in 2007-08, the percentage who have achieved orgasm in intercourse is very similar whether they have (72%) or have not (71%) masturbated externally. However, the rate of orgasm in intercourse is higher among those who have masturbated internally (74%) than those who have not (62%). It also doesn't make much difference if we restrict the question to those under 21. A higher rate of orgasm in intercourse is found among those who masturbate internally only with fingers (71%) than those who only masturbate with objects (63%), however females who masturbate internally with both have the highest rate of all (76%). This means that females who masturbate internally are more likely to have orgasms in intercourse, but it doesn't mean that masturbating internally is the cause.

I've been masturbating for a few years now. My sister, who is 2 years older, said she knows I "play with" myself. I find it really embarrassing. She holds it against me too. Every time she brings it up, she uses a way of talking that demeans me. She tells me it's disgusting. I'm not sure if she's ever masturbated. Do you think that could be why she says its disgusting?

I'm a very developed reader. I'm way over my grade level and tend to read murder/mystery adult novels and most of the time when I read them I become horny. I don't understand that. Do you think that's wrong? I don't think it's exactly right.

I also think older guys are attractive. And I don't mean 1-5 years older. I mean old enough to be my dad. I don't understand this either. Can you help me understand why I have an attraction to much older guys?

I love your site! I've been too shy to ask someone sexual questions. HealthyStrokes.com is absolutely wonderful! Where did you come up with the idea of making HealthyStrokes.com? (age 12)

The theme running through your message is a greater maturity on your part, in sexual development, reading material, and attraction to adult men. Your sister ought to know by her age that masturbation is normal and healthy. If she really doesn't, maybe you can help her learn. It could be she is demeaning you for masturbating because of her own guilt about masturbating, or maybe she is jealous that you are so comfortable with it. In any case, don't let her misinformed or malicious feelings spoil your own enjoyment.

We are all aroused by different things. There is nothing wrong with getting turned on by a murder mystery, but don't let it be your only source of arousal. Try to find other things that turn you on.

I hope you won't ignore boys your age because they're not old enough to be your dad. It would be completely inappropriate for you to date men that age until you're 18. At your age, it would even raise suspicions for you to date someone three years older. Since your only option for the next five years is to be with guys your own age (or so), why not find out some things you can like about them. Some of them make good companions for movies, skating, hanging out, etc.

I started HealthyStrokes.com to promote understanding of Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS) and eventually added more pages about other topics.

Follow-up: I got wet when a male told me I seemed 21. Why is that? I've been asked out by a guy my age. I like him but I'm a little nervous around him. He talks about how good it feels to masturbate and what he does when he masturbates. You've written that some people bring up masturbation to see if the other person responds by sharing about their own masturbating. I wonder if this is what he is trying to do?

You no doubt found his comment appealing. I would caution you that the girls I knew at 13 who acted 21 are as a group less happy today than the girls who acted their age. If you like the guy, go out with him, but please tell him you don't want to hear about his masturbating if it makes you uncomfortable. If you think he is trying to coax you into sharing details about your own masturbating, then don't reward him by doing so. Just repeat that you don't want to discuss it. He should understand, and if he doesn't, move on to the next guy.

I love reading the stories on your site because they get me kinda horny. I've been masturbating for about a year now, and I do it a least once a week, but although it feels really good, I've never had a orgasm. I think sometimes I get really close, because my clitoris gets really sensitive, I get really wet, and it feels amazing, but then it dies down.

The times when I've been really close, I've had a little lipstick container, a little bit bigger than my finger (I've tried other stuff, but this one is best.) up there and I move it in and out really fast, while using two fingers on either side of my clit. It feels so good I usually moan and move around, but then I get kind of distracted or scared that somebody is going come in, even though it's usually late at night. It's getting really frustrating that I can't orgasm. Do you have any tips? (age 13)

It's not at all unusual that you haven't had an orgasm at your age. Many females much older than you are still trying. It would help if you could pre-empt those distractions. Arrange for more privacy, either by getting a lock on your door or by convincing yourself that no one is going to barge in. If those are not satisfactory, then try sometime when you're home alone. When you get close, just keep at it as long as you can. Once you get over that hurdle, you'll be very glad you did.

I hardly ever masturbate because it doesn't turn me on. I can do it during phone sex but I have to do it internally because I don't get anything when I touch my clit. Is it normal to not feel anything when I touch my clit? Am I maybe doing it wrong? It honestly makes me uncomfortable when I try and get nothing. I can masturbate to orgasm when I hit my G-spot. I'm happy I found this site. (age 20)

Most females masturbate externally first and then start masturbating internally. It isn't a problem if you are doing it in a different order. Most females enjoy touching the clitoris, but maybe yours is sensitive. I would suggest touching the area around it and avoiding direct contact with the clitoris.

I have had persistent sexual arousal syndrome since I was young. It gets very bad whenever I am stressed and if I am extremely anxious, I continuously orgasm, sometimes all day. Once a teacher shouted at me and I had multiple orgasms on the spot. I feel out of control and dirty. What can I do to stop it? (age 23)

I suggest finding an online support group for persistent sexual arousal syndrome. Perhaps you could also seek professional help in person. I'm sorry I don't have anything more specific to recommend.

I think I read somewhere on your site (which is amazing by the way) that semen does not stay fresh for very long. I'm wondering if I could freeze my boyfriend's semen, and when I have enough, use it as lube. (age 16)

I don't think that's at all a good idea. Semen doesn't make very good lube anyway.

I went on vacation with my brother at my grandparents' house. He is 19. One night, we were going for a swim. I dared him to skinny dip. So we did. It was fun and exciting. We hung in the shallow end and talked a lot. I asked if I could see him, as I have never seen a penis. He sat on the edge of the pool, so I could examine him. I ended up showing him my breasts too. I was very turned on and he was too. I even saw his erection. I know we crossed a line, but I have been masturbating about it ever since. Will this ruin our relationship? (age 18)

I doubt it will ruin your relationship, but it is something you have to think about now, and I suspect he does too. If you were merely curious, there are males your own age everywhere you look who would be willing to show you their penises and probably do lots more with them. Encounters like those wouldn't give you the guilt feelings you're having now. Yes, you definitely crossed a line.

Lately I've been really curious to see a man masturbate. I have wanted to look it up and see a video or something. What should I do? (age 18)

I think you should look it up and see a video or something.

I'm 14 and I just started masturbating. It feels really good but I'm not sure if I've had an orgasm. When I'm masturbating, my vagina relaxes and flexes kind of like the Kegel exercises and my breathing gets more difficult. My legs barely shake too. Is it an orgasm?

If it isn't, you're right on the edge of one. I would say to masturbate fast and furiously when you get those symptoms for at least 5 minutes and see what happens.

I am female, but almost all my friends are male, and I spend a lot of time around guys in completely unromantic, non-sexual ways. A lot of the guys will talk about sex around me (though I rarely participate in the conversation). Guys never seem to see me as more then a friend. Even though my male friends never behave in an overtly sexual manner toward me, do you think it's likely that they may think of me sexually? Does having a lot of male friends tend to scare other guys away? (age 15)

I think it does. Guys who are interested in you will frequently see you with your male friends, and they are apt to incorrectly assume that one of those guys is your boyfriend. I made the same mistake in college, at least once. There was this hot girl in one of my classes, and every day I saw her sitting with this other guy, whom I assumed was her boyfriend. Years later I ran into her on campus, and she was surprised I remembered her from that class. I asked about the guy she was always sitting with, and not only was he not her boyfriend, she didn't even remember his name. She seemed upset that I had mistaken him for that. So I blew it twice. Anyway -- don't give that mistaken impression. As to your other question, there's a very high probability that at least some of those guys have sexual thoughts about you.

Should I start seeing a gynecologist because I masturbate regularly even though I'm not sexually active? (age 15)

It would be a good idea if you started going to a gynecologist sometime in the next few years, but you definitely don't have to see one just because you masturbate regularly.

I've tried masturbation a lot, by both rubbing the clitoris and inserting small objects into my vagina. It usually feels somewhat pleasurable, but it's not even close to being as good as most people seem to describe. Sometimes I rub my clitoris for almost an hour and feel almost nothing, even if I was really turned on by something. Is there something wrong with me? (age 15)

No, I just think you're pre-orgasmic. A lot of females your age have trouble finding that first orgasm. Once they get it, the subsequent ones are a lot easier to bring on. Just keep working at it. But there's no need to go as long as an hour. That is apt to be fatiguing. Just do what feels good and eventually you will have an orgasm.

One of my female friends said she masturbates by using the the brush of an electronic toothbrush against her clitoris. Is this safe? (age 15)

A lot of females masturbate with toothbrushes. I think it is better to use your hands, but the toothbrush will not cause damage.

Follow-up: Great news. The toothbrush worked. I had a tingly good feeling for about 5 or so seconds. I think it was an orgasm. So I guess I had my first supine orgasm and it was better than prone. Thank you for your time and help.

I've talked to many of my friends and even my godmother, and they all said all girls bleed after having their hymen popped. I didn't bleed. Does that mean I didnt get it popped? Sex doesn't hurt at all. That's why I'm confused. (age 17)

Not every girl will bleed when she breaks her hymen. Most girls erode their hymens slowly and don't have one spectacular moment of "popping." Some hymens don't have a lot of blood vessels in them. If you are at the point that sex doesn't hurt at all, your hymen is long gone. Don't be confused. It sounds like the whole process was easier for you than for those others you talked to.

I masturbate late at night in bed. I feel SO weird about it. I just started like a week ago. I want to stop because I just feel weird doing it. I only masturbate around 5 times a week. It doesn't interfere with my social life or anything and no one knows. I do not stick any objects up my vagina; I just rub and massage my clitoris. Am I a freak? Should I stop? It just feels SO good. Help! (age 12)

You are doing well and don't need help. You only started a week ago and you're already doing it five times a week? That's great. And best of all, you're already reading HealthyStrokes.com. Good for you.

After I have an orgasm, I try to rub more but it is sore. Is that bad? (age 16)

No, that is very normal. For a male, that's how it always is. Just relax and enjoy your orgasm and the feeling afterward.

Is it wrong for a 15 year old girl to fantasize about sex, but have no real urge to actually follow through with it? Most girls I know have already had sex. Almost all the men I seem to be attracted to are very sexually experienced. Most of them want to have sex ASAP, and dump me as soon as they realize it isn't going to happen. What should I do to avoid guys like this? Are most teenage boys the same way? I really like a guy, but he comes from a VERY conservative and religious background, similar to me. He is 16. What are the chances he also masturbates and/or would not look down upon me for doing so? What is the probability that with this background, he has already had sex? (age 15)

I would bet most girls you know haven't had sex. It is certainly not wrong to fantasize about it and want to abstain from intercourse. You mention being attracted to men. Adult men are apt to be more sexually experienced than boys your age. Not all teenage boys are only interested in sex. You might start by finding ones who are interested in something else (sports, games, music) and going from there. You seem to have found a guy who is at least interested in religion. I think there is at least a 99 percent chance that he masturbates. I doubt he would look down on you for masturbating. If he is very religious at 16, it is unlikely he has had sex.

I have masturbated and felt guilty a lot because of it. No other friends have talked about masturbation or having done it and a lot of other sites have said only older teens and adults have masturbated. HealthyStrokes.com has taught me that other girls my age do it too and made me feel better about myself. Thank you. (age 14)

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 5 months and we haven't gone past making out. Anytime he tries to touch me anywhere I tell him not to. I don't know why but I'm just really uncomfortable with him touching me. I don't even really like kissing him. A lot of the time I don't feel very attracted to him, but I like him a lot as a person and I care about him and enjoy having him as a boyfriend, but I just don't like doing anything sexual with him. He is my first serious boyfriend and I can tell that this frustrates him, and I'm afraid he'll just leave me for someone else. What should I do? (age 17)

I think he should leave you for someone else, and you should be the one to encourage it. You obviously don't belong together. You've been keeping him busy dating only you for five months when you have no interest in bringing the relationship to some other level. You and he should both be dating other people; perhaps you'll find someone whom you'll like kissing.

When I masturbate I get an orgasm, but when I have sex I cannot always get one. I've been sexually active since I was 15 but I never had an orgasm coitally untill October 2010. Can you tell me what my sex partner and I doing wrong? (age 22)

I hesitate to call it wrong. You obviously are aware of your sexual response and are able to bring it along during masturbation but for some reason you won't or can't in intercourse. Many females are not able to masturbate to orgasm, and even more never have orgasm in intercourse, so you are ahead of them. I would suggest that your partner try bringing you to orgasm orally or manually before he mounts you. You would probably enjoy vaginal intercourse more if you have it after you just had an orgasm. Don't worry about having a second one. Experiencing orgasm in those second-round encounters will make you more adapted to reaching orgasm in the first round.

I always attract the guys that only ask me out so they can have sex with me. I have a few tricks to find out if they just want to have sex, but when I notice that they only want sex and nothing more I already like them and I don't cut them off. What do you think I should do? (age 16)

You shouldn't be having sex with anyone until you can figure it out. At the very least, don't do anything sexual or even physically romantic on the first date. Then at least you will have eliminated the guys who won't wait for the second date. On the second date, perhaps agree to some minor kissing and non-sexual contact, but don't do anything involving either of your genitals. Then when you go out for the third date, you will have identified the males who are willing to have two sexless dates with you and take a chance on having a third. At this point you should have an easier time deciding who you want to go out with.

Follow-up from another reader: Your advice to that girl about waiting to the third date to know which guys only want sex is ridiculous. You can't tell a young girl when to start kissing a guy and when to do more. Your answer should have been -- do nothing that you don't want to do. If you're not ready to kiss a guy, don't kiss him. If a guy likes you and respects you, he won't pressure you to do anything sexual. THAT'S how you know. Move at your own pace, and if you aren't ready to have sex yet, say so. It'll become pretty clear which ones are nudging you in the wrong direction, and which ones are willing to wait with you. (age 21)

My best friend has recently begun being sexually active and every time after she has sex she is stressed because her period is late. Can you still get pregnant even though you wear a condom? (age 16)

Yes, condoms have a failure rate of at least three percent. Three percent of women who use condoms for regular sex for a year will get pregnant.

Can I get pregnant if he just put the tip of his penis inside of me? I guess this means I'm not a virgin anymore, but can I still have my hymen intact and get pregnant? (age 18)

You're right about not being a virgin anymore. If all he put in is the tip of his penis, your hymen is probably unchanged. There is an extremely low chance of getting pregnant from that. I advise wearing a condom.

My boyfriend is dying to have vaginal sex, but I'm not letting his penis anywhere near my vagina, even with a condom. But I will let him rub the head of his penis in my navel until he ejaculates, and he seems to be happy with this. However, I started to wonder if this could lead to some sort of sexual dysfunction for him? (age 17)

It's good that you're thinking about your boyfriend's sexual health. I doubt he's doing it often enough that it would cause a sexual dysfunction, and he likely already knows the conventional way to masturbate. That he can ejaculate merely by rubbing in your navel suggests that he is in good shape sexually and will be just fine when you finally let him in.

I would just like to thank you for your extremely informative site. I am a Christian and I have been consumed with guilt since I started masturbating at about age 11. I tried to stop but since I am a sexual being, this proved nearly impossible. Your site has helped me to realize that masturbation is totally normal even for women, and it has freed me to explore my own body with peace of mind. (age 24)

I've been in a lesbian relationship for a year. My partner has become dominant; she ties my hands and feet and spanks me like a bad little girl. Then she masturbates while I'm still tied up. When does a little kinky get too kinky? (age 20)

When stuff you don't consent to is happening.

According to my doctor, girls should start to go for check-ups like the Pap smear when they are sexually active. If you masturbate sometimes but have never had sexual intercourse, does that make you sexually active? I am too shy to ask him, but am concerned about things like cancer. (age 20)

Masturbating does not make you sexually active. You should not be afraid to ask your doctor. He has a lot more sexual experience than you and has masturbated a lot more. He will answer your questions about cancer and your health and keep your reports confidential.

When I masturbate, I like to fantasize about girls and watch lesbian porn. Am I lesbian? I've kissed a girl before and it felt right, but when I kissed a boy, it didn't feel right. I haven't told anyone that I think I am lesbian, and I want to know if I am and how I would tell my family & friends that I am! (age 14)

You might be a lesbian, and you might not. I suggest you keep gathering information like you have been and keep in mind there is a range of sexual preferences. It would probably be good to talk about it with close friends. When you are ready to tell your family and friends, you might find books and videos on the subject.

When I masturbate, I usually wind up imagining a BDSM scene, with me being dominated and held down and slightly hurt (though in the fantasy, I am completely consenting). Is this normal? (age 14)

Yes, that is a common female fantasy.

I've had about three orgasms from being stressed out by finals and things of that matter -- those felt AWESOME and I wish I could get those more often! However, you say orgasms are best when you're relaxed. Why isn't this the case for the three that came from stressful situations and me making no masturbatory touches whatsoever? (age 20)

In general, masturbation is more satisfactory when you're relaxed, but that doesn't mean you can't have a memorable orgasm when you're not relaxed. You might be interested to learn that professors also get stressed and masturbate during finals week, or maybe while grading.

Follow up: I actually don't make any contact -- the orgasms just happen when I'm really stressed out, which is usually during finals week. Why are the orgasms better when I'm completely stressed and not even touching myself?

I don't know, but you might just enjoy them while they're happening. Your classmates don't need to know why you're suddenly relaxed and smiling.

I just found your site and realized that I have TMS. I started masturbating years ago by thrusting against a pillow then also began masturbating prone. However, for the last three years or so, I masturbate prone because I can't stimulate myself any other way; as I approach my climax, I switch to masturbating supine and climax supine. Do I have TMS? If yes, then how do I cure it? As of now, I can't stimulate myself supine. (age 18)

Yes, you have TMS. Many males and females who masturbate prone flip over to their backs and then orgasm the way you do. The way to get over prone masturbation is to take a week or two off from orgasm and then masturbate supine. You can do it. You will like it a lot better.

I enjoy playing with my nipples before and during masturbation. I have found that if my nipples are slightly sore, they are more sensitive. I wear clothespins on my nipples for about an hour, then I masturbate to wonderful orgasms. Can this do long term damage to my nipples? Should I discontinue this and just get my nipples pierced? (age 17)

I can't imagine having a sensitive body part pierced. I don't have any specific information about the clothespin thing, but I think you are better off enjoying your own touch. See how sensitive your breasts can be even without clothespins.

I have been masturbating in the TMS fashion since I was very young. I have attempted recently to try other positions but have not achieved orgasm from them, and I have returned to masturbating prone. Have you heard of any women being able to overcome TMS? If so, what do you recommend for success? I hope that I am not too accustomed to this method that I am completely incapable of achieving orgasm any other way. (age 19)

I hope you're not either. Many women have given up prone masturbation and learned to masturbate supine. Just follow the cure regimen on the main page about prone masturbation. There is a support group for women who masturbate prone on Yahoo groups. It has been inactive lately, but you might find women who share your experience there.

When I massage my clitoris, I get a tingly feeling that washes over my whole body, and I get all hot/cold, and it feels SO good. But at the same time, it kind of tickles, so I stop. Why am I having this problem? (age 16)

It's not a problem. It's an orgasm. Eventually private parts get too sensitive to allow more orgasms. Enjoy them while they last, and work on having multiple orgasms. Many females are able to get more than one out before the sensitive feeling kicks in.

I seem to have an unusually large clitoris. It's about the size of the last joint of my little finger. When I get sexually aroused, I can actually take it between my thumb and forefinger and masturbate like a boy. How rare is this condition, and will it lead to problems later on? (age 16)

I've never heard of problems from an outsized clitoris. You don't even know for sure that you have one. I suspect if you asked your doctor or nurse, they would tell you yours is normal size. Even if it isn't, there's nothing you can do about it. You seem to enjoy your clitoris, which would be my advice anyway. Oh, and boys don't masturbate the way you describe.

I love your web site! I started using my hairbrush handle as a toy 8 months ago and then stopped 2 months ago because my family was moving and there wasn't enough privacy. I tried using it again recently and it hurt and when I was done, it was covered in blood and my vagina was in a lot of pain. Could you tell me why? (age 14)

I suspect it's because you used too much force. I recommend using the lesser pressure of your hands instead of a hard hairbrush handle.

My partner masturbates prone and we have intercourse daily but I have to help him reach orgasm manually. We are trying for a baby so he ejaculates inside my vagina at the last minute, sort of reverse withdrawal method, but with no success so far. Is this a common problem with TMS? Could it be affecting our ability to get pregnant? (age 37)

The most common problem of males who masturbate prone is an inability to reach orgasm in intercourse. If he can't ejaculate inside your vagina, it is unlikely he will be able to impregnate you. I suggest he get over TMS, but of course, he is the only one who can change.

Can masturbation over/through the underwear hurt me in any way? (age 18)

It is not a typical way to masturbate. It is better if you don't do it that way.

I'm in a long term relationship with a wonderful man who had the misfortune of learning to masturbate in the prone position. In fact, I don't really know if I would call it masturbation because he usually waited until he had a wet dream instead of doing it himself. He sees masturbation as something shameful, and the few times he did masturbate, it was in the prone position. He said he tried using his hand before but said it just didn't feel that good. When we first began having sex, the only problem he experienced was anorgasmia. He stopped masturbating/having wet dreams once we began having regular intercourse, and I think intercourse helped cure him of the problems of TMS. But now that we have to live in different cities, we can't have sex that often, and he knows he's going to need to masturbate again. He was extremely sexually repressed when we met and he is way too shy to talk about this stuff even with a medical professional. I do my best to be supportive and comforting, but I fear it's not enough. Do you have any words of advice that I can give him? Maybe a book that would be helpful? (age 22)

The way I see it, he has two problems: prone masturbation, and a refusal to accept masturbation as normal, healthy, and fun, and even necessary to male sexual health. Unfortunately, he has to be the one to want to change. I suggest you have him read HealthyStrokes.com and possibly join the online support group. He doesn't have to post; he can just read messages (like most of our group members).

I don't masturbate that much but every time I do, I get bloated the next day and sometimes my period is delayed for a couple of days. Is that normal? (age 21)

Irregular periods are often normal at your age. If you masturbated more often, you would understand that it doesn't cause bloating or delayed periods.

I masturbate daily using my hand. I lie on my back and masturbate externally. The past couple of nights, after I masturbated, I would feel kind of a pinching on my clit. It was uncomfortable and whenever I would squeeze my legs together I would feel the pinching pain again. Sometimes it would happen randomly and not after I masturbated. Any help? I'm worried. (age 13)

It would probably help to get up after masturbating and do some stretching. You might have used your muscles in a particular way, and getting up and moving around would put them back to normal.

Does a penis have to go into you fully and break your hymen for you to no longer be a virgin or if a bit of it goes into you (just the head of the penis), are you considered not a virgin anymore? I've heard different thoughts on this and I'd like to know which one is correct. (age 14)

If any part of the penile head passes between your labia, you are no longer a virgin.
Follow-up: But the labia are separate from the vaginal entrance. This would mean that if a guy just rubs against you, but doesn't penetrate you at all, you have lost your virginity. I'm not sure that can be true. Is it?

If any part of the penis is not visible because the labia are in the way, penetration has occurred. To answer your original question, no, a penis does not have to go all the way into your vagina for you -- and him -- to no longer be virgins.
Follow-up: I've never heard this before and it must be false. Surely penetration has only occurred when the vagina itself has been penetrated.

It is obvious to me that something has crossed your labia, but you are in denial that you are no longer a virgin. The standard I used is what they use in many places for deciding if penetration has occurred in rape.

I'm 13 and I masturbate twice a day. Will I be barren because of masturbating a lot of time?

Masturbation does not affect your fertility.

My boyfriend masturbates prone and thinks he is feeling effects of TMS. What can I do to help him so we can have sex and he can masturbate conventionally without clenching his butt and thighs in order to ejaculate? (age 21)

Your boyfriend has to want to change. You can help him by not agitating him sexually when he is abstaining from sex and masturbation for a week or two while he works to learn conventional masturbation and then for another month while he works on practicing conventional masturbation.

I am in love with Michael Jackson and I think from 1987 to 1997 he was soooooooo sexy and sometimes when I get horny thinking of him, I want to masturbate, but I feel awkward and don't and the feeling passes. Is it normal to masturbate to the thought of a celeb? Is it normal to feel weird about it? (age 12)

I hate to tell you that Jacko is dead. I wish you would be in love with someone you could actually be with instead of a dead celebrity whom you admit stopped being sexy before you were born. It is very normal to masturbate to thoughts of celebrities and photos and videos of celebrities. Some people feel weird about it, but most get over the feeling quickly and realize that the celebrity will never know them or what they were doing.

I've been doing it for about a year now, mostly at night or when I'm home alone. I keep my door locked because my mom is VERY religious. She used to ask me if I have ever done it before about every few months, but since I've actually started, her questions have completely stopped. I try to be quiet, but do you think she knows? (age 14)

What struck me most about your message is that you never mentioned the thing you started doing. You will never accept masturbation as normal, healthy, and fun if you can't say the word. Your mom knows that most girls your age are starting to masturbate, and she probably suspects you of doing it too. If you can't talk about it and she can't talk about it, it would be best to leave the topic alone.

When I think about masturbating, I feel scared and I don't want to do it, but I learned that my friends do. Am I weird for being scared to do it? (age 15)

No, I don't think you're weird. But masturbating is nothing to be scared of. If you tried it, you would like it and want to do it more.

Is it normal to masturbate on your back, fully-clothed, while holding onto your belt loops and grinding against your pants? I've tried other methods to bring me to release, but I have found none to be effective. What do you suggest I do? (age 15)

The method you describe is atypical and will not serve you well in terms of making you able to reach orgasm with a partner, which I hope you will do someday (not soon). I would suggest you take a week or two off from your current method and then relax and work at having an orgasm using only your hands.

I am a virgin and my boyfriend and I have been planning the day when we first have sex. I feel that I'm ready to progress in our relationship and take things to the next level (physically), but I'm worried about once we finally do the deed. I'm not sure if I should try to loosen my body for his sake so it could be more pleasurable for him. Is it more pleasurable for a man to be with a women who has a tighter vagina or a looser one? I'm really nervous, please help! (age 17)

If you're nervous, then maybe you shouldn't be planning to have sex. I promise that your boyfriend will not complain about your vagina. There is very little variation among vaginas, and I doubt your boyfriend could even tell the difference. You are worried about something unimportant. If you are going to have sex, spend more time worrying about how you will prevent pregnancy and STDs.

I masturbate in the shower while sitting down and I run the water on my clit, and i always reach an orgasm, but sometimes it takes long to reach it. I also masturbate to my boyfriend (lives in different country than me) over Skype in my room with my fingers. I have an 11 year old sister that always is barging into my room trying to see what im doing! But I don't have a bedroom door to lock and keep her out. I have masturbated without my sister coming in, but it is really risky and I don't want my mom to find out from my sister. What can I do to keep my sister out of my room? Will I be able to reach orgasm without water when I'm older? (age 13)

You probably won't like this answer, but it would solve your privacy problem to tell your mom that you've started masturbating and don't want your little sister to see. Then she would get you a lock for your door and you wouldn't have to worry about your sister tattling. As an alternative, tell her you want more privacy from your sister barging in and don't mention masturbating. The best way to be able to masturbate to orgasm without running water is to quit that practice now and work on reaching orgasm by hand.

I've had a crush on the boy next door for a long time, but he's never paid much attention to me. Last Saturday, I was sunbathing in the backyard, and he appeared at his window and I could see he was naked from the waist up, and he was perhaps totally naked. When he saw that I saw him, I think he started stroking his penis, but he disappeared after a few moments. I went inside and tried to forget it, but after a while, I got so horny that I had to get alone and masturbate. Since then I have masturbated several times a day. How do I let him know that I would like to watch him masturbate again, and maybe do it together? (age 14)

It would be better if you forgot the whole thing. You don't know for sure that he was either naked or masturbating. Lots of boys roam around the house topless. Next time you sunbathe, if he sees you, wave to him and ask him to come outside. Maybe that will lead to a conversation, but don't assume anything about him masturbating.

I am really close with my best friend and we share masturbation stories. She has been shaving her privates since she turned 14, and has suggested several times that I try it, but I am comfortable with hair. Lately, she has suggested shaving again, and volunteered to do it for me. I'm beginning to think that she's really suggesting we have lesbian sex. How do you feel about this? (age 16)

I doubt she's suggesting lesbian sex. Just tell her firmly you aren't interested in shaving your privates, either by yourself or with her help.

I started masturbating about a year ago and I'm trying to stop. I know that it is perfectly normal to masturbate but I hate the guilt that follows. I'm not happy with what I'm doing and I really want to stop. Please offer some tips to help my issue. (age 14)

I suggest working harder at accepting masturbation as normal, healthy, and fun. You say you know it's normal, but you're not living as if it's normal.

What is it with all this nipple playing? I've seen questions on your site from both men and women; now my boyfriend is doing it. We were having good old-fashioned sex, and he started begging me to pinch his nipples; when I did, he took his penis out and stroked it until he ejaculated in my pubic hair. At least he used my vibe to finish what he started. What's the connection between nipples and a penis or a clitoris? (age 20)

Nipple play is a fun and harmless form of foreplay. Nipples are an erogenous zone. You don't have to let someone touch your nipples, but there is no harm in touching someone else's nipples if that's what they want. However, nipple play is not a substitute for sex, so what your boyfriend did is not normal. You would be justified in telling him that he ruined the fun you were having during old-fashioned sex.

Will masturbating cause my period to be floody? (age 24)

No.

My only way of masturbating has been going under the shower head. I have been having sex for about 2 years now and I have never been able to orgasm from anything other than a vibrator/shower head. Can I get back my ability to orgasm by stopping this? (age 18)

I think it would be good for you to give up masturbating with the shower head. After about a week, you should try masturbating by hand. When you get that to work for you, you can hope to be more orgasmic in intercourse.

I felt my vagina for the first time today. I found my hymen and my opening, but when I put in one finger I felt this cartilage-like membrane. I can feel it's still there when I push down. Could I have a subseptate hymen? (age 13)

It's possible but not very likely. You would have an easier time understanding your hymen if you looked at it with mirrors instead of merely felt it.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for over 2 years. We started seeing one another when he was 17 and I was 20. Our intimacy has been perfect until recently when he moved away to college and our contact level is less frequent to only seeing one another 1 to 2 times a month. In the beginning of our relationship, he was able to get erections without any effort at all and having the ability to have sex 3 or more consecutive times. Now that he is 19 going on 20, he has trouble having sex multiple times in one night. He is physically in the best shape of his life, plays college football and eats right. He feel like his testosterone levels may be off due to muscle training over the summer and taking protein shakes and/or supplements. Any sort of information or ideas to correct will help. (age 23)

I don't think I'd be doing my job if I didn't raise the possibility, could he be sexually active with other women at school? A male doesn't simply go from being able to have sex three times a night to once overnight, especially when he's in the best shape of his life. If you're certain he's monogamous, then it might just be the stress of being in college and playing football that's taking a toll on his libido. It's probably nothing to worry about.

I've been masturbating for most of my life and I would do it once a day, twice at the most. But in the past year I've been masturbating up to 7 times a day for an extended period of time and I just never feel satisfied. Is there something wrong with me? (age 16)

It could be stress, or it could be a condition called persistent sexual arousal syndrome (PSAS). I suggest you read about that on the Internet and see if it sounds anything like you.

I would like to know if my habits in bed are actually harmful to me. Every time I reach my orgasm I muffle my voice the first few seconds but then I can't help but hold my breath afterward. Is this dangerous? I try to remember to breathe but I'm so caught up in the moment that I think breathing would just ruin it. (age 18)

When you need to breathe, you will breathe. Don't worry about that.

I am not a virgin since I have had penis penetration 4 times. We still haven't broken the hymen. We have been trying to break it so we both have pleasure from intercourse. It hurts really bad and sometimes I even start to cry in pain. I know it's never been broken because I can feel it when I try to insert tampons. My mom says the reason I can't wear tampons is because I have an extra thick hymen. Could that be the issue? Any ideas on how to break it with less pain and maybe different positions? Any help would be great. (age 17)

If your mom thinks you have a sclerotic hymen, then maybe you do. A doctor could remove it surgically. It would be worth doing in your case.

Is it wrong that the only way I can really get turned on is by watching two guys have sex? (age 14)

It is not wrong, but it would be better if you got turned on more conventionally. You can't expect to see two men have sex very often, but if you got turned on by seeing a man shirtless, then you would be a lot better off.

I just started masturbating about two weeks ago and every time I masturbate, I get an orgasm. I've read that for some women its hard for them to get an orgasm and I was wondering if when I let a man have intercourse with my virginal vagina, will I be able to get more pleasure? Your site is great by the way. (age 14)

If you're already orgasmic at 14, it points to you being very sexually responsive and having many orgasms with males when that time comes a few years from now.

I've been shaving since age 15. When I tried it, I enjoyed masturbation much more without hair. I've been considering laser hair removal because regular shaving is tedious. My mom is OK with this. She thinks I'm mature enough to make the decision and will allow me to use my part-time job money for the treatments. My only reluctance is that I've never had a steady boyfriend and don't know how boys feel about this. Have you ever done a survey asking boys if they prefer girls with hair or bare? (age 17)

Pubic hair styles follow trends. Right now only a minority of females keep theirs natural and about a third go completely bare. Males at this moment, in informal surveys I've seen (not conducted myself) prefer the prevailing style of shaven females. However, before you go for a permanent solution, please consider 1) styles change; 2) your preference may change; 3) despite what any survey shows about a majority of males preferring, you could wind up with a partner who has a definite preference for natural. I have a feeling you're sexually inexperienced. You might hold off on laser treatment until you've gotten some sexual experience of your own or at least discussed it with some sexually experienced males. Males who prefer natural hair on females usually mention that unshaven hair is soft while shaven hair is sharp and prickly. Professional wax treatments would let you go bare for longer than shaving but would not be permanent, irreversible changes.

I experienced my first orgasm via masturbation when I was seven but didn't start puberty until I was 11. When I told one of my ex-boyfriends, he freaked out and said "that's disgusting" and said he started when he was 14. I told another boyfriend and he said he didn't care but I could tell he was taken aback. He was cooler about it and said he started around 11. I didn't know exactly what I was doing when I first did it. I realized that rubbing part of my vulva created a sensation and it went from there. I experienced a climax and I've masturbated on average about twice a month ever since. Is it really that unusual? Do girls start earlier than guys? (age 22)

Your experience is not especially unusual, but the graph below will help explain some of the differences between males and females. Note that before puberty, hardly any males have masturbated. At age 11, more than three times as many females have masturbated compared to males. At puberty, male masturbation suddenly and dramatically shoots up to nearly 100 percent while female masturbation increases at a slower rate and levels off at about 95 percent. That is to say, females start masturbating over a much longer period of time than males, 76 percent of whom start at age 11-14, inclusive. Also, twice a month is a common frequency for females but an extremely low frequency for males, most of whom masturbate daily at your age. Since your boyfriends probably haven't studied this in detail and are only generalizing from their own experience, perhaps it is better if you don't share it with them.

You seem to know far more about masturbation than you do about sexual intercourse. Is there any reason for that? (female, age 16+)

You imply that I'm lacking in knowledge about intercourse, which isn't a fair charge. This site is focused on masturbation, so naturally I get more questions about it than I do about intercourse. I've studied masturbation more intensely than I have intercourse and done more research of my own into it. I have no doubt that I know more about intercourse than the average person.

How many girls/women use or look at porn to masturbate? (age 26)

According to a survey of over 3000 females by HealthyStrokes.com in 2007-08, 8 percent of females almost always use pictures to help them masturbate, and an additional 7 percent use them most of the time. 45 percent use them some of the time, 22 percent use them rarely, and 18 percent they never use pictures when they masturbate. This compares to 29 percent of males who use them almost always, 31 percent most of the time, 26 percent some of the time, 8 percent rarely, and 5 percent never.

I'm 13 and I want to start masturbating because I'm always wanting to have intercourse. I have researched it and I am ready, but I don't know where or when is the right time and place to masturbate. Can you give me some techniques that will help me to reach climax and get an orgasm?

Your energy seems to be misplaced. Masturbating is a good thing, but doing it because you're desiring intercourse seems like the wrong reason. If you were really ready, you wouldn't be asking me where or when to do it. Most people masturbate for the first time spontaneously, when the feeling hits them, instead of planning a time and place. Most people do it at bedtime in their beds, but this doesn't have to be a prescription. Why not try it yourself and see how it goes and then research HealthyStrokes.com and perhaps other places to find out how to make it better.

Last break three girlfriends and I went to beach. One of us who's a wild virgin disappeared for three days, said she was in love with a 24-year-old man who picked her up, and she could barely move, walked funny, and said she was sore from all the sex. He said he did her 6 times on the beach the first night, then they went his motel, and stayed naked in bed 2 days and nights and he kept making love for 3 days. She says it was 30 times, and he took Cialis. I'm not a virgin, had much sex with three boys my age since I was 14. I think she's lying. What do you think? Can men do it more times than boys? Does the size of an erection determine how many times? Could a man taking Cialis or Viagra do a girl 30 times in 3 days? Do ED drugs work on boys my age? If so, which is best? (age 16)

Research has found that the number three tends to appear disproportionately in the statements of liars. That doesn't mean three can't be a correct answer; merely that when someone makes up a number for something they don't know, they will often choose three. There are a lot of threes in your story: three girlfriends, disappeared for three days, six times (2*3) on the beach, making love for three days, 30 times, sex with three boys your age. I think your story is fishy. Sexually experienced men can have intercourse more than boys, to a point. The size of an erection does not affect how many times he can have intercourse. 30 times in three days is hard to believe even with an ED drug. ED drugs work on boys your age. I don't recommend one over another. A doctor would have to prescribe it anyway. One more thing... if your friend's story is true, she's no longer a wild virgin.

I have been masturbating since I was 4 and until recently didn't know what it actually was. I'm proud that I have never been caught by anyone but am paranoid about it recently. My family doesn't like it when we lock doors, and I hate doing it in the bathroom. Where is the best place to do it? (age 13)

If you hate doing it in the bathroom, then the best place is obviously in bed. I suggest locking the door anyway. Then you will have much less to be paranoid about.

I came across HealthyStrokes.com today and found many things that surprised me. I thought I was one of the only people my age who masturbates! Last year my friend and I masturbated for each other at a sleepover. I masturbate a couple times a week, but I feel guilty. I have tried to stop but I can't. I have never found anyone to talk to about these things. PLEASE HELP! (age 13)

Now that you've found this site, you know you're not alone and have very little reason to feel guilty. Why don't you talk to your friend who you masturbated with last year? You know she masturbates too and perhaps also wants someone to talk to.

Last night I was masturbating, but in the morning after I woke up, my mom came in and said that it smelled weird in my room. Are people able to smell if you masturbated? (age 16)

I very much doubt that anything could be smelled after the whole night. Don't worry about that. It wouldn't hurt to open a window in your room occasionally.

Could you tell me the percentage for those who masturbate at my age? (age 13)

According to a survey of over 3000 females by HealthyStrokes.com in 2007-08, 58 percent of adult females started masturbating by their 13th birthdays and another 10.5 percent started at age 13. So about two thirds of girls your age are masturbating.

During masturbation if a girl's clitoris is torn, is she still a virgin? (age 21)

I think you mean the hymen. A clitoris being torn would be pretty painful, so be glad it doesn't really happen while masturbating. Masturbating, even if it tears the hymen, does not make a girl not a virgin. She has to have sex with a partner to lose her virginity.

One of my male friends has this "game" that we do over texts. We ask each other questions. They tend to get personal, talking about masturbation and sex and such, and I'm really not comfortable with it. What should I do? (age 14)

Then don't play that game. He won't if you won't.

I have been masturbating for years now, and it seems that I really enjoy fantasizing about boys being intimate with boys. I have other fantasies, such as me seducing my older brother's friends. Are either of those fantasies normal? (age 15)

Yes, those are both common fantasies. Please research the age of consent in your state before actually seducing your brother's friends, as opposed to merely thinking about it.

Happy Christmas, Mr. HealthyStrokes! (age 23)

Why, thank you! Happy Christmas to you too!

I want guys to touch my butt but they're all too shy to do it! Ive accidentally touched guys' butts and I wish they would touch mine. Is this weird? (age 12)

It's not as weird as it is just plain dangerous. You're below the age of consent, and males could get in trouble with the law if they touched your butt, even if you gave permission. You could also get in trouble with the law for touching guys' butts, especially if they didn't give permission, so I advise you to stop all this nonsense until you're able to be in a consensual relationship with a male, hopefully not for years.

I started masturbating a few weeks ago but very rarely, whenever I do it isn't a very pleasant feeling really, it probably tickles a little for about a minute, is this normal? And how long should I masturbate for? (age 12)

Give yourself more time. A few weeks isn't very long to learn to do something well. You should expect to masturbate for 15-30 minutes before you get any extremely nice feelings out of it.

Is it OK that I think about masturbating with a girl while I am masturbating? I get really turned on and I am able to reach an orgasm faster. (age 14)

That is a common fantasy for both males and females. Of course, it is always a good idea to have more than one thing to fantasize about.

I just wanted to take the time to answer a question I've read on your site. The question is: Can women really orgasm without touching themselves, and without manual stimulation. I might be the anamoly, but I truly can orgasm this way, it is just not as powerful as when I am actually stimulated by touch. (age 19) The only real requirement to mentally induce an orgasm is that you just be aroused, and you must be very relaxed. Hope that helps.

Are you male? If so, I feel really uncomfortable reading this now. If you are male, do you judge us and such? (age 13)

I am male and always have been and always will be. Don't be uncomfortable. Tens of thousands of your sisters have read my site. I don't think I'm particularly judgmental, but some people disagree.

I've recently been having really erotic dreams about two of my female friends. They're 41 and 26 and we're actually pretty close. I don't think I'm a lesbian but I still don't know why I've been dreaming like this. When I wake up I'm really wet and I'm sure I had an orgasm. I've even woken up masturbating. I know this isn't exactly right but is it normal? What can I do about it? I travel a lot with them and usually have to share a hotel room with them. I'd be mortified if they found out. (age 13)

Erotic dreams are normal at your age, even about your friends. Keep in mind that your friends are twice and three times your age, so they probably think of themselves more like aunts to you. I don't know how to control what you dream about, but just remember that most dreams are just random images floating through your head. They don't necessarily mean anything.

I started masturbating about three years ago. I started orgasming about two years ago, but only from rubbing my clit outside my panties. The feelings I get are much too strong when I take my panties off and I haven't been able to have much luck with penetration. I really want to be able to orgasm without wearing panties so that I can have sex normally though! How can I do this? (age 16)

Stimulating your clitoris through your panties is a lot like stimulating your clitoral hood and shaft naked. I suggest you work on masturbating without the panties, but avoid touching your clitoral head, which is the most sensitive part. Work on the hood and shaft, and if that's still too much, just stimulate your labia minora and see if your clitoral region gets less sensitive after a few minutes.

I masturbate externally. I really want to try internal but I'm abnormally tight and even one finger hurts! I can't even wear slim fit tampons. Are there any techniques to loosen myself so I can wear a tampon and masturbate internally? (age 14)

Most girls are older than you before they masturbate internally. If you really want to, I think you're going to have to endure the hurt that one finger causes before it will feel good.

My blabbermouth 10 year old stepsister caught me humping my pillow 2 months ago. So far it's cost me 4 DVDs and my best 2 CDs. My family's super religious so its not a cool subject to talk about. Maybe there is nothing I can do except hope she's been doing it too. Most of my allowance goes to keeping her mouth shut! (age 15)

You are a fool if you are letting a 10-year-old extort you. Anyone who pays off an extortionist only reaps more extortion. Just tell her you're not going to give her anything else for her silence and call her bluff. If she tells anyone, she's the one who's going to look silly.

I don't enjoy masturbation. Is this weird? (age 15)

Yes. Nearly everyone regards masturbating and orgasm as two of the most fun experiences they've ever had. If you don't, then it points to you doing something wrong. Just relax and enjoy yourself.

I have never once in my life masturbated with my fingers. I have had countless orgasms though. The way I reach orgasm is that while in the supine position I fantasize about something that arouses me, and then I squeeze my legs together until I orgasm. When I orgasm, I feel it all over my body and not just my pelvic region. I've researched online, and no one seems to have anything on being able to climax without digital stimulation. I feel kind of weird sometimes because I orgasm on my thoughts alone. I've tried to do it the regular way in the past, but it felt like when you try to tickle yourself. I get kind of disgusted by the thought of touching myself for sexual pleasure. I'm still a virgin, and I wonder how this could affect me once I'm in a sexual relationship. Does this mean that I've never truly masturbated? (age 26)

You have indeed masturbated. Masturbation is stimulation of one's own genitals in order to increase sexual arousal. The rhythmic squeezing of the legs is a familiar method of female masturbation, and as you know, it causes your vulva to be stimulated. I'm surprised you weren't able to find anything about it in your online research. Your main problem is that you regard masturbation as disgusting. Masturbating is normal, healthy, and fun, and good for your sexual health. You can only improve your prospects for satisfaction in a sexual relationship by getting better at masturbating. I suggest you give tickling yourself another try.

I have been masturbating for almost three years and have tried many diffrent methods but I just can't seem to orgasm. I recently got an electric toothbrush and by using it on my clit, in less than a minute my vagina starts throbbing and my abdomen feels tight. Is that an orgasm? (age 14)

I think it is. Congratulations! Now work on doing with your hands what the vibrator is doing.

I know your views on porn, but is it OK to use it to learn sexual techniques in the bedroom? I think "the night" for me and my boyfriend is coming, and since I'm a virgin, I figured I'd watch it so I'd know what to do. Is this normal or at least OK? (age 17)

Porn isn't real. If you want to see what sex is really like, I suggest renting or buying some sex instruction videos. Keep in mind that most females (and males) do fine on "the night" without needing to watch any videos beforehand. You will probably be fine and only get better with practice.

Every time I masturbate I get all hot and sweaty. Is this normal? (age 13)

Yes, very.

Yesterday I was on the phone with my boyfriend. He talked me into having phone sex with him, and I agreed because I thought my mom was asleep. Today, she just said "I heard you last night." I've avoided her since. Do you think she knows I was having phone sex? Or does she think I was just masturbating? What should I do? (age 15)

I think you just act normal around your mom. Maybe all she heard was that you were on the phone. She didn't say anything about phone sex or masturbating.

I've been feeling horny for a very long time and I have never resorted to masturbation. I do not feel comfortable using my hands and I am scared to. I often have sexual fantasies in my head that only leave me horny. What other methods can I use to stop myself from feeling horny? (age 16)

Masturbation is the most popular because it's the best for you. You ought to accept masturbation as normal, healthy, and fun. In a few years from now, you'll be able to have sex with partners, but that brings with it risks that masturbating doesn't have.

I know a 16 year old guy and we started talking about masturbation. I told him that I wanted to give him a hand job and that I would have sex with him but the next day I said that I didn't want to anymore. Now it has been a about a month and I really want to have oral and sometimes I don't, but now we aren't friends as we were before because now it is awkward, and I think I made him excited and then mad. Should I tell him that I want to do sexual stuff with him? Because sometimes I want to and other times I don't. (age 13)

You should absolutely not do anything sexual with anyone until you're 16. And even then, check the laws in your state to see if it would be statutory rape. You're very mixed up and shouldn't be doing sexual things until you're old enough and know what you want.

I ride my horse every day, so my clitoris is very insensitive. When I masturbate, my arms and fingers start hurting before I can orgasm. Are there any ways to fix this? (age 14)

I would suggest getting in better shape and wearing some extra padding over your clitoris to keep it from getting desensitized by the horse ride. Your horse teacher could probably give you some tips on arm and finger exercises that would not leave you overexerted after a ride.

I am often turned on by the thought of oral sex but I don't know how to stimulate the feeling of oral sex while masturbating. Please help me because I like that feeling but can't copy it! (age 16)

I can't either, and I'd make a fortune if I could. Surely someone's invented a sex toy that comes close.

I'm 30 and still a virgin. Since age 16, I've been having doubts about my sexual orientation. I have OCD and one of its classical symptoms is doubts about sexual orientation, but there are a few other issues. I recently started dating a guy 8 years my junior, we're often engaging in foreplay and petting but have not had penetration yet. I am not aroused by his penis. He's handsome, but his skin is very soft, and he doesn't have a lot of body hair. Sometimes I even think there's something girl-like about his look - which turns me off. I'm very confused. Are these just obsessions or is there anything wrong with me sexually? What can I do to lead a normal healthy heterosexual relationship? Thanks in advance.

Most of what you wrote is beyond the scope of my site and would be better for you to discuss with a competent mental health professional who is experienced with OCD and sexual orientation issues. It's unusual for a woman your age to date someone so much younger. Since your complaints about him center on his physical form, you might find that men closer to your own age look more masculine and have more body hair. My first tip to leading a normal, healthy heterosexual relationship is don't be so picky about your boyfriend's physique. I expect that trying sex with him would lead you to have fewer doubts about your sexual orientation.

I am a virgin. I have been masturbating for years now using water from a shower spray (mainly into the upper part of my private area) or very rarely rubbing or massaging my private area. I have never inserted anything into my vagina. I want to know if my hymen is still intact. (age 31)

From your experience, it well could be, but not very many women have intact hymens at your age.

After the first time I masturbated, I felt guilty. Not for religious reasons, but because I had to pleasure myself. A guy didn't do it for me. I think sexual actions should be reserved for love. Did I miss out because I didn't have these first feelings of sexual pleasure with someone else? I'm a virgin, but I still have sexual desires, and when I first addressed them, I was happy to explore my body and it felt really good (although I didn't orgasm, but I think I was pretty close). I have tried to masturbate again, but I haven't felt nearly as good as I did the first time, and I'd like to experience it again, but I'm also conflicted. Do you have any tips to make it more enjoyable and shame-free? (age 16)

Yes, my web site is full of them. I wish you would read all of the female pages here at HealthyStrokes.com (and maybe some of the male pages too.) You didn't miss anything. Most females have their first orgasms alone, and most masturbate before they have sex with partners. Very few females have never masturbated by the first time they have intercourse. You would do well if you thought of masturbation as different from intercourse, not inferior to it.

How can I prevent a smell from my vagina after I masturbate? Do I have to take a shower every time I masturbate?

Don't worry about that. No one can smell when you've been masturbating. If it really bothers you, just wash your hands thoroughly afterward.

Older questions from females

This page updated January 31, 2012. The author has a large backlog of older questions that are not yet answered.

Many older questions from female readers have been moved to one of these topic pages:

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You may contact the author via e-mail or if you wish to be anonymous, enter your questions and comments in the box below. Your question may be answered on the male or female or TMS pages. It's a good idea to read the topic pages to see if your question has already been answered. The author rarely answers questions about penis size.