Many older questions from female readers have been moved to one of these topic pages:
- Female anatomy: vulvas, hymens, vaginas
- Masturbatory technique and female sexual response
- Sexual orientation, fantasies, and unusual behavior
- Masturbation toys: vibrators, dildoes, and other objects
- Sex with partners
I've been masturbating for about a year now. I fantasize about giving a guy (especially my crush) a hand job or blow job, or masturbating in front of them. I know I won't follow through with these fantasies until I get older. Are these thoughts normal? (age 13)
Yes, those fantasies are very normal. I'm sure you'll make some man very happy someday!
I have masturbated with my girlfriend on a sleepover. Is that OK? (female, age 12)
You'll have to decide what's OK for you. I think a lot of girls (and boys) your age have done that. But if you're actually touching each other, a lot of people would say you're engaging in homosexual behavior.
Is it OK that some of my friends and I have oral sex in a group of about 4? We are not lesbians; we just enjoy the pleasure. (age 14)
No, it isn't OK. You're too young for that kind of experimentation.
I was wondering how can you access porn, because it is the only thing that turns me on, and is it abnormal that I have to have the TV turned off and a porn article in front of me to achieve an orgasm? (age 13, female)
That's very abnormal for a girl your age. I tell guys that they should be able to reach orgasm without pictures, even if it's only once a month. You need to find more things that turn you on. And please, don't expect me to tell you how to access porn.
Watching some movies excites me. I feel a fluid coming out of my vagina. This also happens when I fantasize about guys and about having sex with them. I do not do anything like touch my genitals. Am I masturbating? If not, is what I am doing right for my age? (age 18)
Both males and females produce fluids when they are sexually aroused. Merely being aroused is not masturbating, but most people your age think about masturbating -- or do it -- when they feel the way you describe.
I like to masturbate, but I like to look at females and do it but I don't like females. Is that wrong? Once I have an orgasm I feel awful for masturbating. Should I stop? (age 14)
What you fantasize about is up to you. I don't think it's wrong. You shouldn't feel so guilty about masturbating. It's normal and healthy and fun.
I was masturbating in the locker room the other day and another girl helped me. Is this OK? (age 14)
No. Masturbating in public places is very dangerous. I also don't think it was a good idea to get "help" from that other girl.
My female friends and I have regular sleep-overs. We started to dare each other to touch another girl, but now its progressed and we use toys on each other and oral stimulation. We are all happy doing this, but is it ok? (age 15)
I think most people would regard it as homosexual activity. You'll have to decide for yourself if that's OK for you. Keep in mind there might be some in your group who aren't truly happy doing it but do it to get along.
There's this guy who asks me out but I just don't want to go out with him. What should I say? (age 21)
Why don't you give him a chance? There might come a time when guys stop asking. If you really don't want to go out with a guy, just say no. I mean "no" and nothing more. Don't add any words of excuses. He'll get the message.
On the guys page, you say to never tell a female you've thought of her while masturbating. I think it would be SO COOL if a guy told me that! I'd be happy! (age 17)
You probably have in mind some hot hunk that you've masturbated over yourself. But what if some guy you found repulsive told you that? You'd freak. Most women would freak. Never tell someone you've fantasized about them.
I think I'm a lesbian because my best friend and I masturbate together and yesterday she licked my vagina but it was great and I licked her too. Should we stop? (age 12)
I think you're too young for homosexual (or heterosexual) experimentation of that nature. Doing this only once does not make you a lesbian.
Every time I see a male I look at his genital area and it starts to turn me on. Is this normal? (age 14)
It sounds normal for your age, especially for someone who wants to pursue males.
I agree with the women who have responded to say that curiosity about being with another woman or even actually being with anothing woman doesn't make one a lesbian or even necessarily bisexual. I think it's a common fantasy among women for a lot of reasons. I know my curiousity comes from both thinking the female body is beautiful and from wondering if sex would be better with someone who has the same "equiptment" as I do. That all being said, I love men and if I were to settle down with one person it would be a man. But, for whatever reason, I want to experience the other too. I think maybe this is difficult for men to understand because not as many men have these fantasies. (age 30)
OK, but other people will regard you as lesbian or bisexual if you advertise that you've had sex with women, even if you don't agree.
Sometimes I let my dog lick me on my vulva. It feels very nice. Is it OK? (age 13)
Having sex with a dog is definitely not OK.
How do you know if you are lesbian or bi or straight? (age 14)
A consistent pattern of sexual fantasies over a period of years will point the way.
I would like to know if it's OK to fantasize about my best friend. She has a boyfriend and is straight but I am really attracted to her. I would like to do sexual stuff with her but I don't know how to approach her about it. Do you have any ideas? (age 14)
What you fantasize about is up to you. Acting out fantasies is different. I don't think you should be experimenting sexually at your age with either males or females. The object of your affection is also straight and your best friend. You're not respecting either your friendship or her sexuality by coming on to her. It might be a good idea for you to spend less time with her until your crush passes, if it will.
I think I might be bisexual. It's easier for me to get aroused by an woman than by a man. I prefer to look at girl on girl porn rather than straight porn. But I don't want a relationship with a girl, I just want the sexual stuff. What's up with that? My friend and I have fooled around bunch of times and I want to finger her but I'm afraid to ask. What should I do? (age 15)
Most women don't care much for straight porn. Most men think most of it is pretty bad too. I'd advise against experimenting sexually with your friend. Why not wait a few years and maybe things will be more clear to you.
I really don't think it is wrong for me and my cousin to masturbate together. We don't actually touch each other but we just masturbate. We are like best friends now. LOL (age 12)
I think most people would say it was wrong for you and your best friend to masturbate together at age 12. Even more people would agree it is wrong for cousins. Perhaps you could stop this behavior for a couple of years, by which time you might understand why so many people think it is wrong.
I am in love with my 26 year old teacher. I think about only him when I masturbate. Is this normal? (age 15)
Yes, it's pretty normal, but you should find more than one person who turns you on. It's pretty unlikely you'll ever be a couple with your teacher.
I may have a problem. I attend college and just seeing all the younger attractive boys makes me so horny. I often find myself rubbing my privates in my car at school and letting guys walking by see because I know it turns them on. Is this normal? (age 29)
No. It's exhibitionism, which is neither normal nor legal. Many women have fantasies of exposing themselves, but nearly all keep from acting them out.
I love your site! At first I thought I was the only one who masturbated, but it seems I am wrong. How can I get an adult toy? Where can I get them? (age 13)
Adult toys are not age restricted. Might talk to an older girl about it.
I like to fantasize about other girls. In school I act like I "accidentally" put my hand on their butt when they sit down. Is this normal, or should I stop and start fantasizing about guys? (age 13)
It's up to you who you fantasize about. You should stop the butt thing. Someone is going to figure that out before long.
I have been masturbating since I was 13 but just lately I can only orgasm when masturbating if I think of a very big penis. Is this normal? (age 17)
No. You should try to have more than one thing that arouses you. Try thinking about anything but the big penis for a while in order to develop some new interests. Pictures might help.
I am a 13 year old girl and I masturbate. I read above about the "tingly feeling" when you are attracted to someone. I love guys and am attracted to them, but I get attracted to the WEIRDEST things, like when they are embarrassed or if they get their face wiped. If I ever see that in a movie I get the feeling, and I also get the feeling with hot guys.
I don't think it's so weird. It's bad to focus on things you think are weird, because they can become paraphilias, but fantasizing about them occasionally in conjunction with a range of "normal" interests (like "hot guys") is OK.
I am bisexual. Girls turn me on more than guys. Right now I am really obsessed with Hillary Duff and I think of her while masturbating. I definitely like girls more than guys. Is this nomal? (age 12)
It's not normal, but remember that normal is only a statistical term. Lots of people are bisexual, but you might think about it for a few more years before declaring "I am bisexual."
Is thinking about people having sex masturbation? Is it harmful or does it make you pregnant? Is it common to masturbate for girls my age? (age 15)
It is common and not harmful and cannot make you pregnant. Merely thinking about sex is not masturbation, but stimulating your private parts is. Most people fantasize while they masturbate.
I get aroused by seeing gay men kiss, make out or have sex. I don't know if this is normal, because many people think it is "gross." There is this boy I am in love with. He's a bit old for me and I haven't seen him in a long time. The more I don't see him, the more I think about another boy. (age 13)
That all sounds normal. Many, perhaps most, straight men think lesbian sex is arousing (but gay male sex is gross) and an equal share of straight women think gay male sex is arousing (and lesbian sex is gross). Like the old song says, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder (for somebody else.)"
My best friend and I were experimenting and she did oral on me in the shower. I have a few little red bumps and if I touch it, it itches. She says she has never had a kanker sore. It hurts to urinate sometimes too. Is this VD or is it from masturbating with the shower head or shaving? I am so SCARED! (age 13)
You describe unsafe sex and several symptoms of VD. I think you should see a doctor even though it might be from the shower head or shaving.
I have watched my brother masturbate and he has also watched me. We don't want to have sex togther - just watch. Is this OK? (female, age 15)
When I masturbate, I fantasize about various situations, often being watched, and with anonymous men, and I always envision myself as someone with huge breasts. The huge breasts factor is probably the most important part of the fantasy. My breasts are not tiny, but not large by any means. Even when I am having sex with a man, I have to imagine that he is enjoying my very large breasts in order to have an orgasm. What does this mean about me? (age 30)
I think it means you're pretty normal. Most women fantasize about anonymous men, even crowds of them. Most women want their breasts to be bigger, as evidenced by the overwhelming ratio of breast enhancements to breast reduction surgeries.
I'm 12 years old and I want to know if it's normal to feel strange in your vagina when you see like women with big breasts and little bikinis and want to start masturbating. Is it normal?
I lie on my back on my bed and lift my legs and put my hands on my vulva and push it or massage it. Is this masturbating? Can I get hurt? Is it OK for my age?
Your feelings are normal. What you describe is masturbating, and it's OK for your age. It's very unlikely you'll get hurt doing it the way you are.
My boyfriend wants to go to a nude beach but I am not so keen about the idea because my inner labia hang down about 1 inch past my outer labia. I am unable to hide it even if I let my pubic hair grow, and I am quite embarrassed about it. What should I do? I would be fine about the idea of going nude if my inner labia weren't so long. (age 18)
If you don't want to go, you shouldn't go. If you really want to placate your boyfriend, maybe go with him and only go topless or even wear a full suit. Maybe you'll see other women who are the same as you. (Although I suspect you'd be the youngest woman on the beach.)
I sometimes masturbate to pictures of girls doing sexual things to each other (such as giving each other oral sex) but I have a boyfriend and we have sex and I enjoy it. I don't think I am bisexual because I think having sex with another woman is gross. Is there anything wrong with masturbating this way? Also I'd like to say that I really love this site. It is so helpful to ask someone a question about mastubation without being embarrassed and have them answer you. (age 16)
I don't think there's anything wrong with it, although it is certainly unusual for a girl your age.
I reach orgasms better when I think about things that turn me on but the things that turn me on don't work that much anymore. Maybe I overused them? Can you give me ideas of what to think about when I'm masturbating externally? (age 13)
You're really in bad shape if nothing turns you on anymore at your age. I think those things will still work if you try to develop a new perspective on them.
Is it ok that lesbians and pics of naked women turn me on?
Even if you're heterosexual, you should know that many straight women are occasionally turned on by females. If men don't arouse you at all, then you're probably a lesbian.
I'm 16 and have been masturbating since I was 7 or 8. I have had sex more than 20 times, all with the same guy. Even when I was with him, it was always a habit (and still is) to constantly rub my clitoris. It's automatic for me to reach my hand into my panties and just rub or flick my clit when I'm on my bed. I can lie there for hours and just rub. I don't get the urge to have an orgasm. I just want to rub. This has given me lower back problems because I'm on my back so much. I get lazy because I just want to lie for a long time and not do anything. I even rub when I'm sitting down. I average about 3-4 hours a day of this. Is this normal? It's the only way I can fall asleep.
I've never heard a case like yours. It feels good to masturbate, but it feels better to have an orgasm and be done with it. You seem to be masturbating compulsively (read the definition on the male masturbation page.) I'd advise you to spend less time masturbating and instead bring yourself to orgasm more quickly. Keep in mind you also might be doing some rubbing when you aren't aware of it, but other people are.
My friends all talk about getting their labia pierced. Why do women even get their labia pierced? (age 13)
Personally, I don't approve of piercings or body art. I think the female body is beautiful the way it is naturally. Why not wait until you're older instead of making a foolish, self-destructive change in your body when you're young? Piercing the labia will do nothing to improve sexual functioning or orgasms.
I seem to need pictures to turn me on. Is this normal? Then I feel guilty after my session. (age 13)
It's very unusual for a girl your age to need pictures every time. You might try doing it without pictures for a while to expand your imaginative powers. I think you'll feel less guilty as you get experienced at it.
If you have constant sexual arousal or constant orgasms every day, would you class that as persistent sexual arousal? (age 14)
Yes. I would.
About a month ago, I asked my 14 year old male cousin if he masturbates. He said no, but I think he is lying. Do most boys his age masturbate? (female, age 15)
74 percent of males have masturbated by their 14th birthdays, but I think you should apologize to your cousin for invading his privacy.
I would like to comment on something you said to the 12-year-old girl who mentioned masturbating to Hilary Duff and being attracted to the same sex more than the opposite one. Perhaps statistically it is indeed abnormal, but in the long run there is really nothing wrong with bi or homosexuality. And saying that she is too young to declare herself bisexual is pretty false because in most cases, people figure out their sexual orientation at a young age. I know many who realized their attraction to the same gender as young as 8 or 10 years old and literally turned out that way. (age 18)
Then you probably also know people who thought they were bisexual or homosexual when they were young but eventually came to be heterosexual. And people who thought they were heterosexual when they were young but aren't anymore. By not committing to a sexual preference when young, people leave the door open for clarity when they're older.
I think of penises when I masturbate. Is this normal? (age 16)
I think so.
I am 15 years old and recently started masturbating. I have started getting turned on by the thought of receiving oral sex or having someone masturbate with me. Also, I am curious about lesbian sex, and I want to try it. I KNOW I'm not lesbian, but I want to convince a really close friend of mine to try it with me. I need help with three things: Finding a way to masturbate that works for me, finding out if my desires are normal, and finding a way to talk to my friend about masturbation and lesbian sex.
I think you should wait a long time before pursuing these desires. Not very many girls your age are looking to try lesbian sex, so it's likely you'd alienate your friend by asking her. In a few years, you might decide you're not interested in this at all. Good luck at finding a way of masturbating that works for you.
I'd just like to say that I love your site! I masturbate to the thought of my boyfriend getting me pregnant and this really gets me great orgasms, but I feel guilty afterward thinking about getting pregnant at the age of 15. I'm still a virgin, but I constantly think about pregnancy. I don't feel normal at all.
It's a perfectly normal fantasy. Fantasies aren't real.
I was raped when I was 9 and I felt so dirty. I thought that if I ran water on my privates, I wouldn't feel so disgusting. I've never told anyone before and I regret it now. Every time I try to masturbate with my fingers or objects, I feel dirty and immediately end these activities and go into the bathroom and masturbate by running water. It is the only way that I have found that enables me to masturbate without feeling disgusting. I'm afraid that when I'm older and want to have serious sex I'm not going to be able to. (age 15)
I think you need help from a competent psychologist who has dealt with rape victims. You might call a local rape crisis center to find such a person. You would do well to postpone sexual involvement until you have straightened these issues out. I think you understand on some level that masturbation and sex aren't disgusting and unnatural, and that ought to make it easier to resolve your situation.
I was raped last month by my boyfriend. I told my best friend and she keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault but I know I could have gotten away if I had tried. I sneaked out of my house at night and met him in the fields. We started making out. One thing led to another until he like forced me to the ground and unzipped his pants. I told him no, but he kept telling me that I was acting like a baby, and that everybody does it. I tried to stand back up but he forced me back down to the ground. I'm afraid something is wrong because now when I internally masturbate, it hurts. What should I do? (age 13)
You need to see a doctor, which you should have done right after it happened. Just because you get medical attention doesn't mean the police will have to know. You should also stay away from this boy permanently.
I am a married heterosexual. Over the last few years, I have occasionally had sexual dreams in which I am male, having sex with a female. In the middle of the dream, this feeling of panic and/or guilt/disgust hits me and I wake up. I have regular sex dreams more often than the transgender ones. What do you think this means? I am kind of a tomboy, and my mother once told me that I had better stop acting/dressing this way, or people would think I was a lesbian. Do you think the dreams are related to that incident? (age 22)
They could be. You seem to have decided you're straight. You ought not worry so much about what your mother once said.
I have been keeping a secret from my family. I would frequently go visit my dad, and I lived with my mom. When I was young, he would make me lie in his bed and go to sleep with him. I thought nothing of this initially. Then I noticed that he would make me lie right smack next to him, and he would put his arms around me (from behind me) and sometimes entangle his legs with mine. Still, I overlooked it. But I can remember him having an erection quite frequently, especially during those times when he would put his arms around me. He even made me go to sleep in his bed when his girlfriend would spend the night also. He never did touch my private parts or anything, but it's like he was having a fantasy that I was some adult. The nights that his girlfriend would stay, I could hear them having sex, as well as feel the bed moving. When I asked my dad why I couldn't sleep on the couch or something while she was there, he would say he didn't want me to be accessible to her older son, insinuating that her son would try to fondle me. But her son never tried anything, and he was quite protective of me. We still have a great friendship to this day. Eventually I stopped going over, my dad got married and moved away. Yet, I never said anything because I was scared that my mother would kill him. Was this abuse of any kind, or am I just jumping to conclusions?
I don't think so. I wouldn't have sex with a child in the room, but I would hesitate to call that abuse. In much of the world, entire families sleep in one room. I passed your question along to a counselor who had this to say:
"I had several thoughts about this email but it's difficult to answer without knowing the age of the girl when she was staying with her father and the age she is now -- and other details of this situation.
"Based on what little information was available, my instincts were as follows: Because her father did not ever touch her, it sounds like this could have been fairly innocent. We know that men get nocturnal erections and his may not have been directed toward her but was rather a normal part of being male (and asleep). Often divorce is very painful and a parent will cling to their children (literally) -- thus the hugging. It also is not unusual for a parent to continue inappropriate behaviors with their children without intentionally meaning harm. For example, many mothers continue to be "too involved" with their growing son's baths beyond an appopriate age (e.g., 10 yrs. old). Often the dad will step in and begin to complain that the mother needs to back off -- and the mothers are usually initially resistant -- but eventually agree they probably need to let go.
"As for the girlfriend sex in the bed while she was present -- that sounds mostly just stupid to me. It's not unusual for grown-ups to think their children are asleep and think they can get away with that behavior. It happens a lot with family campouts. The way it's described sounds like a dumb dad (and girlfriend) thinking they could get away with it without being caught.
"It also sounds to me that this girl was becoming sexually aware at this time in her life, which means her wishes should have been honored to allow her to sleep outside that bedroom. And I can understand her father's desire to protect her from the boy. Almost all people have early memories of sexual experiences, even if they weren't meant to be sexual. I'll never forget seeing my father's penis, inadvertently, when I walked past an opened bathroom door, and he was urinating. It was the first time I'd ever seen a penis (picture or real life), and I was horrified. It probably affected me sexually somehow but I was too naive to understand what was happening.
"Honestly, this sounds like some inappropriate boundaries were crossed but not anything that would send up a red flag to me. Just stupid behavior on the part of the father. One of the questions I would ask is whether or not this girl felt her father had been seductive in other areas of her life. Incest is now being looked at as a seductive process -- you can even call it seduction abuse. What this woman describes in her email doesn't sound like there was a process of seduction.
"What's important here is that this young lady was disturbed and felt uncomfortable by her father's behavior. It's a violation of trust and that needs to be addressed in therapy. How is this experience affecting her NOW? How is her relationship with her father now? How are her sexual relationships now? Why is she concerned about these memories?
"Keep in mind society makes such a big deal about anything sexual, covert or otherwise. It's almost another form of abuse -- societal sexual abuse."
I think I'm a lesbian. I have strong feelings for women, and men don't turn me on. I masturbate a lot, but it only feels good for a few seconds, and then I just stop. My friends say that theirs last for a long time. We had a sleep over and we all talked about our ways of masturbating (we all do it) and we all pretty much do it the same, and I stopped first. I was a little embarrassed. I heard about oral sex. How does that work? What do females do to another? (age 13)
I hope you won't decide for sure that you're a lesbian until you get masturbation down (to orgasm) and learn more about how lesbians (and straights) have sex, oral and otherwise. A lot of girls your age haven't masturbated at all, so don't be discouraged that you're not able to masturbate to orgasm yet.
When I masturbate I often fantasize scenarios in which I'm being raped. I like the idea of submission and being forced into sex, though I doubt I'd enjoy it in reality. I feel this is unhealthy. Is this normal? What can I do to suppress the appeal of rape? (age 15)
Lots of females (and males) have rape fantasies. It's OK as long as you realize it's only happening in your head. If it really bothers you, fantasize about something else. The best way to get rid of an unwanted fantasy is to replace it with a different fantasy.
My friend just told me that he is gay. I was so crushed. I have the biggest crush on him, and I would love to be with him. What should I do? Should I tell him that I like him?
I don't think that would help. He seems to have decided for certain that he's gay. Your confession would only cause him unnecessary stress. 96 percent of males are not gay, so you have plenty of others to choose from.
When we first got together as a couple, my girlfriend told me that she and a friend of hers from high school used to experiment sexually. However, her story kept changing. The other girl (whom I know very well) seemed completely shocked and knew nothing about it when I confronted her, plus countless other reasons that I think this never happened (such as the fact that my g/f was horrible in bed and I had to teach her everything). Anyway, she and the friend used to write a roleplay which had a lot of sexuality in it and my g/f has admitted to having a crush on this friend which was unrequited because the friend is straight. I think my g/f cannot distinguish between her fantasies and reality. Either that or there is a possiblity that she is outright lying. What should I do and have you ever heard of a case like this before? (age 20)
Not exactly like that, but I've heard many, many cases of lying. You seem to have gathered plenty of evidence to know that your girlfriend is not an honest person. I think you ought to move on.
I was abused sexually when I was younger. Sometimes I get turned on (tingly feeling in my privates) when I have thoughts having nothing to do with sex, like when I'm feeling frustrated about something. Is this normal? (age 21)
Many women (and men) find masturbating relieves general frustrations, but many sex experts believe this is not a healthy function of sexuality. You might have some unresolved issues about your past sexual abuse that you could work through with a therapist or support group. It would probably help to resist the urge to masturbate or have intercourse when you know that the impetus is coming not from healthy sexuality but from something else.
I had sex in August with this 17 year old guy. Since then I've been masturbating more. Is that normal? I think I'm either lesbian or bisexual. I like guys a little but I get turned on more by girls. I have a lesbian friend and I might tell her. Do you think that that's a good idea to tell her? How do you know if you are lesbian or bi? (age 14)
It frequently happens that a girl will masturbate more once she's been sexually active. That's also a sign that you enjoyed sex and points to you not being a lesbian. It's OK if you want to discuss the matter with your friend. It sounds like she's open about her sexuality. I think you'll know by the time you're 18 or so based on what your fantasies are and how you react to being around males and females.
Once I was at a class out of town with another woman from my school. On the drive back to campus, she complained that she was feeling frustrated because she wasn't able to have sex for the several nights we were at the class and she really wanted an orgasm. I told her I masturbated every day in the bathroom. She thought that was a good idea. I said I'd like to masturbate right now on the road and asked her if she wanted to do it too. She was surprised at this request but said well, why not. I took my skirt and undies down and began to masturbate vigorously. She loosened her waist and got a hand down there. I said she should go for broke. She was being very careful, but I did get her to bare her privates and go to work with both hands. After we had enough orgasms, we agreed it was fun. I wanted to go further but didn't press the point. I'm not a lesbian, but I'd like to have sex with a woman sometime. Communication is key. Your best bet is to open up to people who seem willing to open up to you. (age 28)
You ought to concentrate on your driving. You could have been hurt or killed, and what would the papers say about the two bottomless young women?
When I masturbate, I often fantasize that I am a man having sex with me. For example, if I am grinding a pillow, I will pretend to be a man doing things that I would like done to me if I weren't alone. I never just picture a man. I pretend that I am the man as if I were playing out a sex scene in my head. Is this normal, or does it indicate something unhealthy about me psychologically? (age 19)
I think you know how I feel about grinding pillows. A lot of women have fantasies like the ones you describe. I don't think there's anything wrong with you in that regard.
Since I was about 14 years-old, I've fantasized about sex with my father. I'm married now and I absolutely love my husband. I'm just worried this will cause a problem with us later on down the road. I can't orgasm from intercourse, however, my husband helps me orgasm by using his fingers. I don't think about my father at all. Recently, my husband has been deployed and I've been training myself to NOT think about my father. I just want this problem to go away. I'm so desperate, in tears, and I don't know where else to turn. I'm so ashamed and don't want this affecting my marriage or my relationship with my kids. (age 24)
I think you're doing the right thing by training yourself away from the fantasy. The best way to get rid of an unwanted fantasy is to replace it with a different fantasy. It might help to talk about it with someone, either a mental health professional or a friend.
I have masturbated before when I'm not on my period and it's great! When I'm on my period, I really get the urge to masturbate. Is it OK to masturbate while I'm on my period? (age 15)
I masturbate regularly, and my brother walked in on me while I was practicing. He won't even look at me now, but I know that he does it too, even though I've never caught him. I am really nervous how this will affect our relationship. He never saw me this way, thinking that I am a very reserved person. I am scared about what he thinks of me now.
Are you sure he knows what you were doing? How do you know he does it too? If he knows what you were doing, he will probably be OK with it once he gets over the shock of seeing it. Don't worry about it affecting your relationship. Just act like you usually do around him.
I just turned 18 and I have been masturbating since I was about 13. Sometimes I sneak off to the restrooms on campus and just have to relieve my tensions. When I wear flip flops around campus I get particularly excited. Is this normal? I love to be barefoot. Is this strange?
I don't know much about fetishes, but usually foot fetishes are about seeing the feet of someone attractive rather than being barefoot yourself. It is less likely a female will be caught masturbating than a male, but you're still taking a dangerous chance whenever you masturbate outside a private space.
Once I felt really hot during lessons and I began rubbing my clitoris through my skirt. Since there wasn't anybody else sitting in the back row except me, I was safe. That feeling was really great, having the teacher blabbering away and me in my own world! I've tried this several times and I kinda got bored of it. I want to try some more extreme ways of doing that in class with my full uniform on. Would you mind suggesting some ways? (age 15)
I suggest you masturbate only in private. The risks of getting caught are too great.
I have been seeing a male massage therapist for about a year, once or twice a week, to relieve tensions caused by sitting at work. In addition to the health benefits, I have found that it turns me on sexually as well. At first, I was embarrassed about this, but later I started to just go with the feeling and let myself be aroused. I find this more and more exciting and I have started to actually masturbate during the massage, by squeezing my legs and buttocks and pressing my vulva down when I'm lying prone and he massages my lower back. I now always insert a couple of Geisha balls before, to increase my pleasure. I'm pretty sure he notices when I come, because of how I tense up and have spasms in my legs and buttocks, but he hasn't said anything about it. Afterward, I feel embarrassed but by the next time I am so excited about it that I do it again. I'm thinking about asking him if it is OK with him, and if we could take it further by him actually giving me a genital massage. Is this too strange or immoral? (age 31)
Legitimate massage practitioners spend a lot of time convincing people they're not prostitutes, so I suspect he would not want to cross that line by giving you a genital massage. You could ask, but don't be surprised if he doesn't want to see you again. I'm sure he knows you're masturbating, and if he hasn't said anything by now, I don't think he ever will. He must know what you're doing when you press your vulva down. He probably relates it to the movement of your legs and buttocks, but that movement is often normal during a massage.
Is there any advice you can give to make me noisy in bed? I know guys would love that but I'm a really silent partner. No matter how intense it already feels, nothing comes out of my mouth because I got used to masturbating beside my mom in bed so I got used to being discreet. It truly bothers me. I want to look wild and horny in bed but since I am used to being discreet every time I orgasm when I masturbate, then when having intercourse, I look unresponsive and boring. Please advise. Every time I masturbate, I try to scream and make facial expressions, but then I just find myself faking the whole thing. (age 24)
I think you should just gradually try to increase your expression while masturbating. No one is listening, and no one will judge you. You don't have to be screaming at the top of your lungs. Often, just moaning a little increases your orgasm, and you can decide how you like it and perhaps try something else. Then you can experiment likewise in intercourse. I think you'll be able to do this soon.
I was at my friend's having a sleepover, and she asked me if she wanted her to finger me. I said no but ever since then I have not talked to her. (age 13)
I think you were right to say no, but you probably didn't need to stop talking to her because of that. She will probably respect that you said no.
Your site is great and I'm really into masturbation. I have fun when I do it but I don't really know if it's normal for me to do it with my sister. She is 16, and once she found out I masturbated, she asked if we could do it together. I didn't have a problem with it. She wants to take it into the bathtub, but I don't know if that's too far. What do you think? (age 17)
It is too far. Masturbating with your sister is too far. As the older one, you ought to have known that was a bad idea.
There is this guy that I know that I'm not interested in going out with, but I often think about him when I masturbate. Is this wrong? It seems so weird. (age 17)
I don't think it's wrong, but what makes you feel weird is the conflict between your not wanting to date this guy but being sexually attracted to him at the same time. Maybe you ought to go out with him and see what it's like. Perhaps you'll think differently about him.
My thirteen-year-old cousin told me he thinks he might be gay. I told him he's still quite young to decide this. When I told him that, he became upset and thought I was discriminating against him. What should I do to comfort him and let him know I'm okay with whatever sexuality he chooses, without making him think I am sure he is homosexual? (age 15)
I think what you said was just fine.
I'm a lesbian, and my girlfriend and I often rub our vulvas together, or rub up against each other. I guess this is TMS, but we both enjoy it. Should we stop? (age 20)
I don't think TMS is the same problem for lesbians. The issue for men and heterosexual women is that TMS makes it more difficult to reach orgasm in vaginal intercourse. Since you don't do that, I'm not sure sexual functioning is at stake in the same way.
I've had a crush on one of my best guy friends for a long time, and I forced myself not to think about him sexually. Recently I left my camcorder at his house and when I got it back, there was video of him masturbating, and I saw everything. I don't think it was recorded by accident. I confronted him about it. We never actually spoke about it but we knew what each other was talking about. He thought it was a good thing because he had been praying that God would find a way to make him stop masturbating, and I was someone he could talk to about it. I made it clear to him that since I'm female, it was going to affect me, but we are still friends. I don't think it's fair that I had to see that and he won't explain or even seem concerned about me. He also told me that it's hard for him to show his emotions, but I still don't know what to do. I still love him but I feel so alone because I wasn't supposed to see that. I can't get the image out of my head. and maybe I don't want to. I feel very scarred by this. I understand he's a guy and that guys do that, but i just never wanted to see it. (age 18)
I think you need to put some distance between yourself and him for a while. Just put your crush to the back of your mind and pursue other males for a while. What your friend did was very destructive of your trust in him, and it might have deprived him of having a relationship with you. After a couple of years of not thinking about this guy, perhaps you will be able to give him another chance and see his foolish act in perspective.
I've been masturbating since I was 8 or 9, and now I usually masturbate twice a day. For some reason I really like to watch myself masturbate in the mirror, and I'm really aroused by the sight of my own vulva. Does this mean that I'll become a lesbian?
No. Many people, and perhaps most, enjoy watching themselves in the mirror. Some even have mirrors over their beds for this purpose. It doesn't mean you're a lesbian.
I was molested when I was young. I don't know if I raped or not, but worry that I was. I don't want to go to a gynecologist. Is there some way that I can tell now, so much later, if I was or not? (age 27)
I'm sorry for your pain. I don't think there's any point in you looking yourself. It would be hard for a professional to say for certain at this point, but one might be able to make an estimate.
Is it normal to be turned on by hearing other people having sex? I live in a student flat and overheard my housemate and his girlfriend having sex this afternoon, which really turned me on. Also, should I have tried not to listen? I was in my room with my door closed trying to study. But should I have done something to try to drown out the noise, like play music or something? (age 23)
It is normal to be aroused by hearing people having sex. I don't think you should have to do anything to cover the noise. I also think it's OK if you actively listen from your own space. I used to live in the next apartment from a newlywed couple. Within minutes of hearing their noisy simultaneous orgasms, I would often see them out back having a smoke.
Is it normal to know I want to have sex when I'm older but not fantasize? (age 15)
Sure. Maybe by the time you're older, you'll want to fantasize too.
There is this girl who was in my class last semester. She was also in my class the semester before that. We became friends, and I admired her smarts, confidence, and how boys were always attracted to her. She is a year older than I am. There were a lot of mean boys that would make sexual innuendos towards her. She would never really defend herself that well, and sometimes encouraged the teasing. When I first heard a comment about her ''being a stripper,'' I was mad and thought she does look attractive, but I am not a lesbian and I'd rather not think of her naked. As the semester progressed, I started to become attracted to her and felt the same love and lust kind of feelings as I normally would with a guy. She was actually one of the first real people I've felt sexually attracted to. Do you think this is real attraction or just powers of suggestion? Also, do you think I'm gay? I think of women a lot, although I am more attracted to men. (age 15)
If you are spending this much time obsessing about someone of the same gender, you might be a lesbian. But if you're more attracted to men, maybe it's just a crush on this one girl. You seem pretty confused. Why not give it a year or two before you try acting on it?
My mother would completely fall apart if she caught me masturbating. I feel awful doing it, but it feels so good I can't stop. My mother never talks about masturbation, so I'm guessing she thinks it's wrong. She thinks I'm a goodie girl, which I am. I get straight As and try to stay out of trouble as much as possible. I don't know what to do. (age 12)
You don't know that your mother thinks it's wrong. Even if she does, most people don't think it's wrong. Your mother probably masturbates too. Just enjoy yourself and don't worry about what your mother will think.
When I masturbate, I fantasize about myself being some other female, perhaps a fictional person. Does this mean there is something wrong with me? (age 17)
I don't think so, but you might work at having more confidence in yourself and your own sexuality. When males want to have sex with you, it is because they want you for yourself and not your ability to be someone else. You ought to demand the same of yourself.
When I watch a movie that has people kissing in it, I feel something weird in my private area. Opening my legs wide makes it more intense. Once I think my mom noticed and she said not to do things like that. I get this hot ticklish tingly feeling there and I REALLY want to touch myself but I'm scared. Is it bad? Is that feeling a disease or something, what exactly is it? One time I touched myself a little bit there and I got this feeling like I was going to sneeze down there but nothing came out. When I spread my legs and it makes it feel good. Is that bad? Am I doing something wrong? (age 13)
You're not doing anything bad. It means you are growing up sexually. I think it's good that you're having those feelings. If you can get them just from watching people kiss in the movies, it's a sign that you will be very responsive sexually someday. Congratulations! Your mom probably meant that you shouldn't do that in front of other people. If you had kept going when you got that sneeze feeling, you probably would have had an orgasm. An orgasm feels like a sneeze in some ways. There's nothing wrong with opening your legs like that in private.
Most of the time when I masturbate, I fantasize about having sex with older men. Mostly I fantasize about my science teacher because he is SO hot. I know I'd never actually do anything with him. I love fantasizing about being intimate with older men. Is it bad for my health if I do this? I fantasize a lot also when I masturbate. (age 15)
I think that is all normal and healthy.
I am a virgin, and about three or four months ago, I decided to start masturbating occasionally. I now find myself craving sex. I think about what it would be like with just about any halfway attractive man on campus. Do you think that using a vibrator could control these irrational desires? (age 22)
I don't think they're so irrational. Those feelings lead most people your age to seek a partner for sex and also love and companionship. A vibrator would probably make you feel more lonely and affect your sexual response in a negative way. I wish you were on my campus!
I happened to see my stepdad masturbating in the shower and I could feel myself getting wet. Now when I masturbate, I think of him. Is this normal? Should I tell my mom that I saw him? (age 15)
It's normal to be excited by seeing someone masturbate. I think it would be better for you if you didn't fantasize about your stepfather. Pretty much all the guys your age masturbate too, and a lot of them do it in the shower. You can have the same fantasy about one or more of them, and it wouldn't cause you the same guilt fantasizing about your stepfather does. I don't see how any good would come of telling your mother about this.
I started masturbating when I was 13. I never really knew what it was until 2 years later. I do it once in a while and when I do I always feel extremely horrible about it since I come from a Christian home and my mom is very strict. I try to stop but I always have the urge afterward. I will be turning 17 soon which means I will have to be having my first pelvic exam by my doctor. I'm afraid she'll know I masturbate and she'll tell my mom or she'll think I'm dirty. What should I do? (age 16)
Don't worry about the doctor. Anything you tell the doctor is protected by confidentiality. She can't tell your mom. There is less than a 50 percent chance the doctor could correctly guess that you masturbate, especially if you do it infrequently. Even if you volunteer the information, the doctor will not think you're dirty. It's very likely she masturbates too. Why not spend some time on my page for Christians and learn that many Christians approve of masturbation and practice it themselves.
I had sex with another girl. We rubbed our vulvas together and had oral sex. Are we virgins? (age 14)
Some people would say no. The question of what constitutes loss of virginity for homosexual relations is less well defined than for heterosexual relations. I think a lot of people would say you can say you "had sex" and are still a virgin.
I think your site is great! Is it normal for me to sometimes wonder what my friends who are boys have under their pants even though I only like them as friends? Do they wonder what's under my shirt and pants even if they only like me as a friend? (age 12)
Yes, it is normal for you to wonder that, and I'm fairly certain they wonder the same about you.
I'm almost 18 and I've been attracted to girls ever since I was 8 or 9. I always think of them while masturbating and they never fail to give me excellent orgasms. Guys have never been a turn on for me. Do you think I'm gay?
I think you are.
I was at a nail salon getting a pedicure. The female pedicurist was flirting with me! I had on a skirt so when she was drying my legs she was getting really high and she used small pieces of tissue. Next she was massaging my legs with lotion in a very sexual way. She made me have an orgasm and I kinda liked it. I like guys, so does this make me bisexual? (age 15)
That was big trouble. She might have committed statutory rape because you are below the age of consent or even forcible rape because you did not consent to being fondled like that. You ought to consider reporting her. I doubt it means you're bisexual. Most girls your age are happy to have an orgasm from whatever source derived.
When I was about 6, my mum caught me rubbing myself against the arm of our sofa. She told me that only bad girls did that, and made me promise not to do it again. It was about a week later that I started again, but always listening for my mum, so she wouldn't know I was breaking my promise. Now, today I still get turned on when I see a new sofa and imagine rubbing against it. (age 16)
I don't agree with your mother for making you feel guilty about masturbating, but I agree that you should not masturbate that way. Your future sex partners are not built like sofas, and you are not learning to respond to them by masturbating against a chair or sofa.
In sex ed we girls were basically told that girls masturbating is wrong which I know it isn't. My friends talk to me a lot when they want sex info but because of this lesson they think it is dirty and wrong. How can I tell them (in conversation) that it isn't? We all talk about masturbating all the time. Does this mean that some of them probably do it? (age 14)
A lot of them probably do it. You might tell them that masturbating is normal and healthy and fun and that all men and a large majority of women practice it. You might also recommend they take a look at HealthyStrokes.com, especially the Young Woman's Guide to Masturbation.
I'm worried because my boyfriend is very kinky. He wants to go from having regular sex to doing some things I regard as bizarre, including a threesome with another man. I am uncomfortable with this. Does he have a problem or is there something wrong with me? What should I do? (age 34)
I think you should find a new boyfriend, one who has your taste in sexuality. I find it hard to believe that someone interested in group sex and some of the other things you describe would be satisfied with the kind of sex that makes you comfortable, and I also wonder whether he would be faithful.
When I masturbate, sometimes I think about having sex with another girl. I know I'm not a lesbian. Am I a lesbian? (age 14)
Your question negates your second statement. All I can say is that your preferences are apt to be in flux at your age. At any age, it's common to have same-sex fantasies occasionally. Your sexual preference is more closely related to what you fantasize about most of the time. If, in another two years, most of your sexual fantasies are still about females, then I would say you probably are a lesbian.
I feel really guilty when I masturbate because I am so turned on by gay male sex. That's the only way I can get myself to orgasm. I am married and my husband doesn't turn me on. I have to think about gay men. I am not attracted to women at all. Any kind of porn turns me on, but the best is gay men. Do other women find gay men a turn on? (age 25)
I think a lot do and your fantasies are pretty normal. You shouldn't feel guilty. If it bothers you, perhaps you could spend more time with hetero porn and try to find some that especially arouses you.
When I masturbate, I usually fantasize about a guy getting an erection watching me right before I orgasm. Is this normal? Why do I think about that? (age 13)
Nearly all females are aroused by the thought of turning somebody on. Your fantasies are normal.
I was wondering if it is unhealthy to have cybersex? Is this a form of masturbation or a form of sex? (age 19)
If you are the only one touching your body, it is masturbation. I don't think anyone could believe that sex over the Internet constitutes intercourse.
Just yesterday, I caught my parents in bed and I'm so embarrassed. My parents won't look me in the eye and are avoiding me. I dont know what to do. I have a close relationship with them and I don't want this to end it. (age 14)
If you have a close relationship with them, I'm sure it will blow over. Don't worry about it.
Today I woke up and saw my brother (who is 23) masturbating while watching me. He got scared and left, but I don't know what to do. I was thinking about talking to him. (age 20)
It would be a good idea for you to tell him very firmly that he violated your privacy and that if he comes into your room without permission again, you will tell someone.
One of my female friends asked if I masturbate. I said yes and she said she did too. Then that was the end of the topic. Was it OK to tell her? (age 14)
I think so, but you shouldn't have felt obligated to tell her. It's still a private thing.
I masturbate almost every day. I fantasize mainly about my boyfriend of 3 years. Lately I've been having dirty dreams about my ex-boyfriend who I'm still best friends with. The dreams always end up with him and me having sex. I wouldn't mind it so much, but it has been about 7 dreams, once every night, for the past week. My boyfriend and I have an extremely relationship, and I feel badly every time I wake up from one of those dreams. Do you know anything that may be triggering it, so that I can help stop dreaming about my ex? (age 16)
The dreams will probably pass, but it could be that you really desire him still. Maybe you should expand your horizons beyond these two guys and date some other people while you're still in high school. You have nothing to feel guilty about, simply having dreams about someone. Try not to let them bother you.
I know this guy who's a bartender, great looking, and 29 years old. He makes me feel good whenever I'm around him. I've known him for about 4 or 5 months, and I constantly think about him and me having sex. (age 14)
This is a very bad idea and probably a crime. He could go to jail. He is probably just flirting with you. Bartenders flirt with people a lot to encourage them to visit their bars and drink more. I also think it's a bad idea for you to be around bars.
Is it normal for a 25 year old man to masturbate while he is sleeping? At least every other night I'll wake up in the middle of the night to him masturbating for a few seconds. He'll atop and do it again. (age 25)
That is not too common, but it's not extremely rare either. It might help him stop if you wake him while he's doing it.
What does it mean if you think of yourself and a guy having sex? Is it serious, is it love, or just an innocent crush? (age 14)
It's a sexual fantasy. They are very common in both males and females.
I'm Japanese-American and have an American boyfriend who is much older. He likes some sexual things that I had never thought of before, like tying me up. He also stimulates my cervix in a way that I like but I had never tried before. I wonder if it is bad for me to get used to coming this way. I wish I could stimulate myself that way when I masturbate. (age 18)
You should not be tied up unless it is with a partner you very much trust. You are right that it might be bad to get used to coming in a way that another partner or you yourself cannot simulate. I don't think it would be a huge problem as long as you have other ways of getting to orgasm, however. I think you'll be fine.
I have been depressed the past few weeks because I have become convinced that there's something wrong with my sexuality. I am a virgin. I occasionally used to masturbate thinking of women. In the past year I started imagining having sex with men and reading erotic stories. Lately, I have been maturbating in my sleep. I just wake up with a desire to do it. I've also noticed that I get aroused by women who reveal too much or are doing something sexual. However, I have never had any desire to get with them the way I want to get with a man. My fantasies almost always consist of men. It's automatic for me to identify a cute guy anywhere I go. However, if I saw a naked man, he wouldn't arouse me. He would have to rub up against me or touch me for me to get aroused. Now, I stiffen up whenever I see a woman (regardless of what she looks like or how she seems) and my vagina twitches. And now, even when I get aroused, I have no desire whatsoever to masturbate (which is really too bad because I finally got a single room at my dorm). What is up with all this? I have a hard time understanding my sexuality. Is there any way I could have a normal relationship with a boyfriend and have good sex with him? (age 18)
A lot of what you describe is normal. Many people have some kind of sexual arousal from the same sex even if they are heterosexual. You probably don't want to masturbate lately because you are doing it in your sleep. Sleep masturbation can interfere with daytime sexuality. Your next step ought to go out with men and see what it's like. You're just trying to get in touch with your sexuality. So are a lot of people your age.
Do nuns masturbate? (age 22)
Some of them do. The urge to masturbate is much less for females than for males and so it is easier for women who enter religious orders to quit masturbating than it is for men.
I often fantasize about having sex with a man in public with other men watching. Once they notice, they become aroused and masturbate. I have fantasized about sex on the beach. Are these normal? (age 33)
Yes, I think they are normal. It is common for women to fantasize about themselves being seen by lots of anonymous men, who then become aroused by them. This is an unusual fantasy in men.
I lost my virginity the day after I turned 16. Within the past two years of having intercourse with guys age 15-27, I find myself always fantasizing about men who are at least in their mid-20s. I often find men in their 30s very arousing and I imagine myself sitting on their laps as they touch or fondle me, like I'm their "little girl." I hunger not only to be intimate but for them to care for me. Is this a normal fantasy? (age 18)
It's a fairly common fantasy, but keep in mind you are not merely fantasizing but acting on your fantasies and having sex with men 50% older than you. There's nothing wrong with being involved with an older man. They might even be able to complement you better than males your age could. I hope you like something about them besides their being older than you.
I was in class sitting next to a boy and I noticed he had an erection so I went into the girls' toilets and masturbated. Is this right? (age 15)
I don't think it's right or wrong, but you could be in big trouble if you ever got caught masturbating in public. It would be advisable to restrain your urges until you get home.
Someone asked you a question and said that it would be cool if a guy told her he thought about her while masturbating. You said that you should NEVER tell someone you do that. But what if you're in a relationship -- that sounds pretty normal to me. (female, age 18)
Use your discretion. I think the question was about using it as an icebreaker line, which I think would be disastrous.
I notice guys always trying to look up my skirts. I enjoy wearing them because they are comfortable and sexy. Is there a way I can discourge boys from looking there and still wear them? (age 16)
Those boys seem to have noticed they're sexy too. I don't know how you can complain when that is one of your objectives in wearing them. Why not wear something that would be more likely be described as sensible rather than sexy.
I am broken hearted. I haven't masturbated in 2 months, and I have no intention of doing it again, because I don't feel aroused anymore. Only the thought of my ex could've aroused me, and now it's gone. What do I do? (age 17)
I think it will be easier to get over your ex if you leave behind your feeling that sexual arousal is only for him. It would probably help to masturbate as often as you were doing it before. It would also be a good idea to get to know other guys and accept their invitations.
My fiance does not get aroused when I perform oral sex on him, but if he just touches me or performs oral sex on me then he's aroused! Why is that? (age 41)
It's just a matter of what turns him on, I guess. You should be happy! Most women would say you have the better end of the deal.
I don't know what my orientation is. I see myself as lesbian because I'm REALLY attracted to females, but when I have my period, I always fantasize about a penis being thrust into my vagina. I frequently fantasize of having threeways like the guy is penetrating me while I'm doing things to another girl. What do you think my orientation is? (age 24)
From your description, you sound bisexual, but since all you talk about are fantasies and not experiences, that is at best a provisional assessment.
This guy was asleep next to my friend. She was half awake when all the sudden he started masturbating. He was completely out cold. Is this considered to be a wet dream or was he just dreaming of sex? (age 20)
That is not a wet dream, which happens autonomously (without the person having to do anything). What you describe is sleep masturbation. It is similar to sleepwalking in that the actor might be surprised if you told him what he was doing afterward. He was not necessarily dreaming about sex. In fact, he probably wasn't having a vivid dream at all.
I am a 20 year old female and my last serious romantic relationship ended a year and a half ago. The relationship, like all my others, was a disaster, and some of the sexual experiences I had really traumatized me. Since that time, I have tried some casual dating but nothing serious, and I have not been sexual. I'm still not ready for another relationship and I don't want to have sex again until I am committed to someone. This is the longest I have gone without sex since I lost my virginity at age 15 and now I realize I have never been physically satisfied by intercourse.
The problem is now I'm having trouble masturbating. I've been masturbating since before I can remember and was always very good at it. I still get physically horny, but now when I masturbate I find myself remembering painful parts of my last sexual relationship. I get distracted from what I'm doing and then I start to feel angry and resentful toward all my previous boyfriends and straight men in general. The type of fantasies that used to work now just trigger memories, but I've tried fantasizing about other things and nothing else works. Eventually I give up and just masturbate through the memories, but that leaves me depressed and frustrated. My ex and I are even at a point where we're trying to be pleasant to each other, but whenever I masturbate I end up hating him again. I thought this problem would go away once I got over the relationship, but I feel like I'm more over it than I used to be and it's only gotten worse with time. What can I do? I've always loved that I can be sexually independent and enjoy myself so much, and this is ruining it. Please help me.
It would help if you could accept that those problems are in the past and are not apt to recur in future sexual experiences now that you have decided to forego casual sex. It is unhappy that past sexual fantasies are unsatisfying. Try not to think about the people who make you depressed. Perhaps you should develop some new fantasies.
I am a 14 year old girl who masturbates twice or more a week. I think that is normal. When I masturbate I think about other girls rubbing their vulvas against me. know I am attracted to boys but I fantisize about girls. I have kissed a girl but did not feel anything; it was just fun. I have not yet kissed a boy. Do you think I'm a lesbian?
I think you are just curious. If your main fantasies are about women in a few years, then I think you would be a lesbian. Otherwise, no.
My husband said he had a wet dream and another woman was involved. He does not know her and had only seen her in his wet dream. Is there a meaning behind this wet dream? (age 43)
I doubt it. If he were cheating, he wouldn't tell you that he had a wet dream involving another woman.
I am a newly married female and I would like to know if it is natural for a man to masturbate while watching an adult channel on TV more than wanting to have sex. He says it has nothing to do with me. He says it has to do with our work schedules. He tries to reassure me that he is attracted to me and loves me but I still feel like he doesn't. (age 44)
I don't think that is normal, but with the TV channel, he can pleasure himself whenever he wants to instead of waiting for when you're home and available. It might be an idea to offer to have sex with him a few times after he is home from work. Then perhaps he will anticipate having sex more.
Is it normal that I'm masturbating with my best friend that I've had since pre-school? Neither of us are lesbians and I'm just wondering if maybe we are actually confused? She usually comes over about 2 times a week and we tan in my backyard naked. She asked me one time if I have ever masturbated. I said yes and so did she, so we decided to masturbate together. It wasn't awkward at all. (age 16)
I don't think it's normal. That isn't something friends typically do togther. You are being sexual together.
Not long ago, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating and he was very, very upset. He and I had recently had "privacy issues," in that he's very private about some things and I'm completely open. I grew up in a household that discouraged privacy as a form of misguided secrecy, and he grew up in a family that valued privacy a lot. Now that we live together, it's causing us problems, especially where his masturbating is concerned. I think he's more upset because he uses almost exclusively gay porn, and though he's openly bisexual, he tries to keep his "gay side" away from me, almost as though he's ashamed of it. I think another part of his problem is that I don't masturbate, so he kind of feels dirty for doing it knowing that I don't. He's so easily embarrassed and easily ashamed, especially when it comes to sex. I can't convince him that it's OK, and he's actually getting pretty hostile about it. He won't even talk to me about his masturbatory habits or even that they exist. So I have a two-fold problem. I can't convince my boyfriend that his habits are healthy and that I accept them, nor am I entirely okay with his undeniable urge to total privacy. I don't know what to do. (age 20)
I think living with this guy is a mistake. He ought to be wanting to share his sexuality with you as much as he can. I also have a feeling he calls himself bisexual to hide the fact that he is completely gay. You would be better off if you moved out and see if your relationship were any better. If not, then leave him altogether.
I have a hard time trusting guys. This year I have worked hard on this issue, and I love the 3 guy friends that I am close to. They have helped me a bunch. However, I have never kissed a guy or had sex or really had a boyfriend. As far as I know, no guy has ever wanted to kiss me or date me. Of course, that has knocked my self esteem. But I refuse to be like one of the girls I know who goes to bed with one guy and wakes up with another, or only makes out with guys when they are completely wasted. I would much prefer a guy that I like and respect and who feels the same for me. Does inexperience turn guys away? (age 17)
No, and I even think most inexperienced guys would prefer an inexperienced girl. I imagine many dozens of guys have wanted to date or kiss you. It's a lot easier to want it than to do anything about it. Why not go out with one of your three friends? The easiest way to find a guy who fancies you might be to go to school dances. In any case, all you really have to do is get out where you can be found, and some guys will find you.
Follow-up from someone else: I'm not experienced much at all. I've had two relationships total, including the one I'm in now. My boyfriend is VERY sexually experienced and I feel embarrassed when we have sex because I know that I probably don't compare to what he's used to. I'm not a jealous person and he knows this. But he once mentioned that he'd had sex in both an elevator and on an airplane, and when he speaks of things like this, it makes me feel bad. What steps can I take to please him, or at least compare to what he's used to having. I don't want him to begin longing for one of his past sexual partners. I want to marry him, but I'm scared he'll leave me because I'm so inexperienced. (age 23)
Your discomfort stems not from your boyfriend's experience, but from his talking about it. It is a fact of science that if you stay together and you remain faithful, he will always be more sexually experienced. Nearly every couple is like this. In avoiding this embarrassment, I suggest you talk to him and tell him you're uncomfortable by him bringing up his sexual experience. And in terms of pleasing him, I suggest you also talk to him and find out what he wants.
I can't look at my dad now because he keeps tons of porn on his computer. (age 16)
Maybe he's just a pack rat. All kinds of people look at pictures, including many women. If the pics aren't of children, there's nothing illegal about them.
Many older questions from female readers have been moved to one of these topic pages:
- Female anatomy: vulvas, hymens, vaginas
- Masturbatory technique and female sexual response
- Sexual orientation, fantasies, and unusual behavior
- Masturbation toys: vibrators, dildoes, and other objects
- Sex with partners
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