HealthyStrokes.com
... a site about masturbation and you!

Many older questions from readers have been moved to one of these topic pages:


I'm 21, and am currently sexually active. I find that abstaining from ejaculation for about a week makes my orgasm more pleasurable. Is this due to more sperm that builds up in my testicles over that longer period?

Not the sperm itself, but the semen in which the sperm are carried. The semen builds up in the ducts and when they are full it makes for a bigger ejaculation and one that is more easily obtained. At your age, after a week, ejaculation might be the only thing you can think of, kind of how it is when you have a full bladder to concentrate on anything.

My girlfriend and I have given each other oral sex and she asked me to finger her. How would I do this? (age 20)

Gently but firmly rub in a circle over the area just above her vaginal entrance. Don't press too hard. You should be able to bring a girl to orgasm in about four minutes doing this. She might like it if you finger her vagina, stroke her breasts, or kiss her while you're bringing her to orgasm.

What is oral sex? (age 18)

Oral sex is contact between one person's mouth and the sex organs of another. When oral sex is performed on a male, it is called fellatio. When oral sex is performed on a female, it is called cunnilingus. (cunni = vagina + lingua = tongue)

If a girl touches my penis but we don't have intercourse (she just wants to see how it feels), is that considered sex? (age 13)

It's sexual, but most people say that manual intercourse (stimulating someone else by hand) doesn't cause loss of virginity. What you ask about isn't even manual intercourse, but simply manual-genital contact. It's not a good idea to be doing that so young, because even if that satisfies her curiousity now, she's apt to want something more in a few months.

If a girl strokes my penis, is that a form of sex? If that is a form of sex, what can a woman do to you that doesn't involve sex but just pleasure? (age 13)

Yes, it is a form of sex called manual intercourse. Most people say you're still a virgin if you've done manual intercourse but not vaginal, anal, or oral intercourse. If you don't want to have sex, it's best for both parties to keep their pants on. Kissing and touching above the waist are not forms of sex.

I have a question and I think that you are just the guy to ask because my dad wasn't sure of the answer. What are all the ways you can lose your virginity? If you touch a girl's hand and then you both go home and masturbate does that technically make you not a virgin since you are both touching your sexual organs? (age 13)

The normal way is to insert a penis in a vagina. Everyone agrees that someone who has done that is not a virgin.

Some people also believe that males who have put their penises in mouths or anuses (male or female) are not virgins. And that people (male or female) who have had penises in their mouths or anuses are not virgins. Most people say that manual intercourse (stimulating a partner by hand) does not constitute loss of virginity.

Masturbating by yourself, whether or not you have recently touched a girl's hand, does not make you not a virgin, even if the girl is there with you and masturbating herself.

Can I have sex with a same-age girl? Do I need to use a codom? (age 13)

You can as soon as you can erect sufficiently to penetrate her, but it would probably be against the law in your state since the age of consent is usually 16 or 18. A condom is an essential thing, but you shouldn't use one until you can spell it.

What's the best, most fun way to have sex? I mean when someone and their partner can have fun! (age 13)

I'll need some time to think about that one. Please ask me again in about six years.

Sometimes I look at a girl and I want to have anal sex with her. I read your answer to the other question but it seems so fun! Is it enjoyable for a girl or does it feel like hard feces coming out?? Could you ask a girl for me and tell me her response? How do I get a girl to know I want to have sex with her without actually telling her? (age 13)

Before you get hooked on the idea of anal sex, you should know that the majority of women refuse to engage in it. It is extremely uncomfortable for the person on the receiving end. If you think "hard feces" feel bad coming out, imagine how it would feel if someone were shoving them in, with force. Most guys your age fantasize about having vaginal sex. I just created a policy of not relaying "wanna have sex" messages. I think girls know that if you date them for an extended period of time that you want to have sex with them eventually (even if it's years from now).

Me and my girlfriend are masturbating together and having intercourse with each other using our hands. I want to know how to tell what stage of sexuality she is at. For example, is her hymen broken or not. Is there any way to tell without asking? (age 13)

No, there isn't. You would need to be a trained observer and have the proper equipment. Your girlfriend probably doesn't know for sure herself. If you're curious about something, you should ask. Considering the level of intimacy you and she are at, I doubt she would object to such a question. P.S. Be prepared to answer questions about yourself also if you start such a dialogue.

How old should I be to have sex? I can't stop masturbating. (age 12, female)

I think you should wait until you've graduated from high school. Intercourse is apt to be less satisfying than masturbating at your age.

When I masturbate, a clear liquid comes out on my first orgasm, and on my second it's thick. Is this normal? My girlfriend wants to have sex. Should I use a condom? (age 12)

Yes. The first one is pre-cum and the second one is semen. The first one isn't really an orgasm. You'll be able to tell the difference soon. I don't think you should be having sex at your age, but if you do, a condom is a necessity.

What is the best way for me to pleasure my girlfriend? Is it better to do internally or externally? (age 17)

Do it the way she wants. If you're just being spontaneous, do it externally unless she tells you to stick fingers in.

I had sex with my girlfriend about 3-4 times. The intercourse usually lasts ony 4 minutes and I always reach orgasm before she does. I am scared that I am having sexual disabilities. Is it because I was masturbating too much? What is an ideal length for intercourse? Will I be able to last longer in intercourse if I quit masturbating? (age 19)

I marvel at your inability to remember whether it was three or four times. It's typical for beginners to come quickly in intercourse. Four minutes isn't too bad. Younger men reach orgasm before their partners about 99 percent of the time. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. You might try to make intercourse last 30 seconds longer each time. Eight minutes is a good time to shoot for. You should last longer as you increase the interval since your last orgasm, but don't bother quitting masturbation.

I have a girlfriend, and I always think of having sex with her. But I don't know if she wants to have sex with me or not. What should I do? (age 19)

I think you should discuss it with her.

Can you give me any examples of water based lubricant we can use?(female, age 18)

Some of the popular ones are K-Y Liquid, K-Y Jelly, and Astroglide. Most drug and discount stores carry these next to the condoms.

I am a male and I'm 14 years old. I can't get a girl. I am desperate for sex. I masturbate a lot. My friends make fun of me for being a virgin. What should I do?

Are you sure they're your friends? I bet most of them are virgins too. You should learn to appreciate girls as friends and companions, and sex can come later.

I have a little crush on my cousin's sister who is 16 and she sometimes talks about sex and she even told me that she masturbates, and I want to have sex with her or at least touch her body. Is this good and how can I make her into the mood? (age 21)

Isn't she your cousin too? If so, in most states it's considered incest to have sex with a first cousin. If not, you might start by asking her out and make it clear that you're asking her on a date. She's below the age of consent in some states, so figure that out before you do anything.


I have been living with a guy for 10 months. We're both 36, and we have been together for 20 months. For the past couple of those he has been masturbating every night. I dont have ANY problem with that part, other than he is in complete denial. We have a very good relationship and talk about everything, but this is really starting to hurt me because his words to me were "I want to be able to talk about every little thing about us and be very open with each other." I tell him when I masturbate, and I have been very patient with him because I feel that he is ashamed of it and that it is a habit because of a bad marriage before we met. He watched a lot of porn videos and read books. I am very open minded but he has become very sneaky and even tells me that he has no knowledge of what he is doing because he is sleeping, and he says "why would I do this when I have somone like you beside me" and "when I moved in here I swore to myself, that part of my life was over I want to save it all for you."

Obviously I get woken up every night and I am not getting enough sleep, not to mention I am suspicious of everything he does now; he has broken my trust in him. Apart from this he is a very good person. I just don't know where to go from here. I am beginning to question myself. Am I the one with the problem? But I know very well what he is doing and I am almost positive he does too. Why wont he be straightforward with me? That is all I'm asking!

Daily masturbation is not normal for someone who has a partner. This is a sign of a serious problem. If he is ashamed of masturbating, then flaunting your own masturbation to him is not going to help. You don't mention if your sex life has been affected by this. If he is truly masturbating in his sleep, you might try waking him up when he's doing it. Since you seem to want to make the relationship work, why not try going to a counselor.


Hi, my wife complains that i'm a restless sleeper, and the other night she asked me to leave so she could sleep. In the morning she said that I was masturbating so openly that it disgusted her. I was asleep, did not ejaculate, and don't remember having a wet dream...apparently I've done this before and this was the last straw for her. We have a son and she's 3 months pregnant with another. We haven't had sex for a few months and I've always masturbated regularly, but never around her. What could be the cause of this?

Going months without sex is not normal for married people. Masturbating in one's sleep when one hasn't ejaculated for more than a few days is an experience that happens to many men. You might let your wife know it was unintentional but that you masturbate regularly. Is asking for more frequent sex out of the question?

I'm a 28-year-old virgin, which makes me self-conscious enough, but I also have some mild anxiety problems, too. When I've been with women in the past, I haven't been able to get much of an erection during oral sex or other activities, like grinding, even when naked. At first I thought my anxiety was completely to blame, but after reading your site, I think masturbation is partly to blame, too -- I didn't get a blowjob until I was 26, so I had WAY too long to get used to my own hand. Also, I probably do it too much, engaging in it when I feel kind of horny but not REALLY horny (still, I probably average less than once per day). Sometimes I can come within minutes, but other times it takes a half-hour or longer. That ain't good. Just wondering if you can answer these questions and confirm or not confirm my suspicions about previous problems. Maybe a word about chance for normalcy, too. Thanks very much -- wonderful site.

Late virginity is usually a problem. The male body is designed for sexual performance. Waiting past the age of 20 generally means a lot of adjustments have to be made in getting used to a partner. Ask your doctor for Viagra for your first few sexual experiences. It takes care of the erection, which is the main casualty of anxiety. I wouldn't use anti-anxiety drugs when trying to get erect, since they might actually inhibit sexual response.

Another corollary to late virginity is the amount of time you've spent masturbating exclusively. Most guys lose their virginity between 15 and 18, after masturbating for only 2-5 years. For the late virgin, it's often 15-20 years. I don't think the frequency you're doing it now is a problem, but if you anticipate having sexual relations with a woman, lay off for a week beforehand. Also, those times when it takes you half an hour, double the interval. If you masturbated the day before, make it two days until the next time.

I think you'll turn out normal if you quit your current method of masturbating and find an understanding partner for your first intercourse.

I have been masturbating ever since I can remember. I'm 37 and I masturbate a minimum of 2 times a day. Before sleep and at wake-up. A third time maybe in the bath. I really enjoy doing it but also think that I may be addicted to it. However, if I don't do it I tend to get a very bad headache verging on migraine. Are you aware of people who need to masturbate due to some kind of physiological change that will take place in there body (i.e., headache) and if so is there some kind of cure?

Also, I masturbate openly in front of my wife and sometimes she will help me, usually by fondling me while I stroke. Initially she didn't like me masturbating at all but now she is pleased that I am so comfortable with her that I don't feel the need to hide. My wife says that none of her former partners ever masturbated in front of her. Is it very common for a man to masturbate in front of his partner?

Your masturbation frequency is extreme for any age and way high for a married man of 37. It seems highly doubtful that withdrawal from masturbation would cause migraine headaches. Does intercourse also prevent these headaches? (Hey, that sounds like a line a guy would use to get a girl into bed.) I think you might have a sexual or psychological problem that you should seek professional help for.

Many men masturbate in front of their partners, but usually it is part of foreplay. I can't tell from your message that you and your wife have a satisfactory sex life. Most married men your age masturbate once (or perhaps twice) a week. You might cut down and expend more of your sexual energy on your wife.

Follow-up: You said at my age that it was excessive. Surely I just have a very high sex drive and frequency is down to individual. I read on another site that masturbating makes you go bald. Well, I'm 37 and have a full set of hair. I am professional, fit and healthy, in fact I'm in the best shape I've been ever. My wife has a much lower sex drive than me so we have intercourse on average once per week and generally she helps me masturbate in the evenings. Masturbating helps keep my stress levels down. If you do think that I have a problem what professional do you think I should see? I would feel very embarrased going to a doctor about this.

Yes, many men have a high sex drive but they focus it on their partners and do not masturbate twice a day. I'm also 37 with a full head of hair. I know of older men who masturbate a lot and have even more hair. I don't put much stock in web sites where some mail-order remedy is being sold. Most couples your age have sex three times a week. You might try to get your wife to have sex more often. I think you should contact a mental health clinic. You obviously have issues with masturbation given the headaches and making up problems concerning baldness where none exists. As I state above on this page, using masturbation specifically to reduce stress more than once a day points to compulsion.

I masturbate normally, but not always excessively. I find it takes a lot more time for a girl to take me to orgasm than myself. This is with her mouth and or hand of course. The one time I have had intercourse I was able to acheive orgasm in about five minutes. Lately, when my girlfriend and I are messing around, I have trouble keeping an erection, but only when my penis is visible to both of us. When it is inside my pants I have no problems keeping an erection. Are any of these problems I should consider getting help for, or can you offer any advice?

Keep in mind that I'm only a layperson, not a doctor or psychologist. My layperson's reading of your situation is that you're self-conscious about your erection and that's why it goes away when it's in view. It's also normal that you reach orgasm more quickly alone than when with a partner -- another manifestation of your self-consciousness. It might be that you just need to be more comfortable with your partner. Try to relax and not worry about the state of your erection. You'll probably have raging ones -- for both of you to see -- before you know it. I don't think you need professional help at this point.

If you're both male and around the same age is it alright to masturbate together? Also is it normal to ask someone to masturbate with you? Are there any other safe ways to masturbate than the way you say to? (age 16)

I would discourage males from masturbating together at your age. It's only normal to ask someone to masturbate with you when you're having a sexual relationship together (like your boyfriend or girlfriend). Masturbating together is just not something friends do. Masturbating with someone is being sexual with them.

I'm 18 and had a steady girlfriend for over a year. I masturbated once a few months into the relationship and when she found out she said if I looked at porn or masturbated over anybody else again she would leave me. She is more than willing to jerk me off as many times a day as I want or give me oral sex or make love to me, but sometimes when I am at home I have the urge to masturbate. I love her and can see myself with her in the far future. I can't masturbate secretly as I would be betraying her but I sometimes get the urge when alone to have a wank, yet when this has passed I feel disgusted that I thought about betraying her. What should I do?

Your girlfriend is lacking in maturity. She needs to accept that it is normal for all men and most women to masturbate. Sexual fantasies are also normal. It is manipulative and controlling for her to dictate your sexual fantasies when you are alone. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You should try to educate her about male sexuality, and if that doesn't work, why not give her a break for a while.

Follow-up from another reader: It is not unusual for women to feel threatened by men who are honest about masturbation at any age, especially as young as 18. I am not saying that it is right to feel threatened; I encourage women to learn to be more comfortable with male sexuality and be honest about female sexuality. Insecurity is not evil manipulation which needs to be treated as malicious but a problem that needs care and attention to solve. Just as women should try to understand male needs, men could do well to understand female behaviour.

I also think you should tell men that when they are in a good sexual relationship, it is not always necessary to masturbate solo if their partner is willing to address his needs. As a female who very much enjoys masturbation, I also understand that in an unsatisfactory sexual relationship, solo pleasure is very important to prevent resentment and frustration.


Hi. I really enjoy your site. I think it is very helpful to many people. I only have two questions. First of all I am 16 years old and my penis is 7 inches, is that a normal size or smaller than most? Second of all me and my girlfriend have been dating for a few years now and we have decided not to have sex or see each other naked. One problem though, she gets off on me, and will pleasure me but refuses to get me off. Is she scared or why might she be reluctant to want to do so?

First the good news: Your penis is bigger than most. Second, I think you should take things slowly at your age. Your girlfriend might be unwilling to stroke your penis because when the pants come off, it might lead to other activities she's not comfortable with. It sounds like you have a good thing going. Keep taking it slow and don't scare her away. If you're determined to prod her, maybe wear something so she can access you through the fly and your pants can stay on.

I've been masturbating since I was about 12, about once to twice a day, and enjoying it fine; however, recently I was in a relationship and basically as soon as she gave me oral sex, she dumped me. As much as I'm upset on losing such a beautiful girl, my standards seem to have gone up, and I barely even enjoy masturbation at all anymore. Do you have any tips on how to make it feel better? (age 17)

I think you're normal. You just need to realize that masturbation isn't better or worse than intercourse, but they're different. Masturbation isn't an inferior substitute for intercourse. Most guys enjoy both. In some ways you can enjoy masturbating more because you have total control over what happens, whereas in intercourse your partner has most of the control.

I have recently started going out with a girl and we have had sex but she wants to have anal intercourse. I know that's not normal but I wouldn't mind trying. I was wondering if it would do any damage to her and if it feels as good as normal sex? (age 16)

It feels as good for you, maybe. For her it would be exceedingly uncomfortable. Regular anal sex can destroy the function of the rectum, namely to hold fecal matter until it is ready to be excreted. I don't think you should be experimenting with anal sex.

I'm 14 and I've gone steady with my girlfriend for several years. I usually have the urge to touch her sexual parts whenever I'm with her. Is it wrong and what can I do to stop this? Also, I started masturbating a few months back. It usually does not turn me on when I think about it but turns me on a lot when I do it. Is it normal in this way?

It's normal to have sexual thoughts about your girlfriend. The two of you will have to decide what is acceptable physical behavior in your relationship. At 14, it would be a good idea to decide there won't be much. It is OK to be turned on by masturbating only when you're doing it. It is also OK to be turned on by the thought of masturbating.

If I believe in God, does that mean that if I want a girl to perform oral sex on me, is that a sin? Is sex only when a person puts his penis in a woman's vagina? Secondly, I have pubic hair now. Does that mean I'll be ejaculating soon? (age 13)

Let me do the easy part first. The hair growth means you'll be ejaculating soon. Probably within a few weeks. Your other questions are more difficult. You'll have to decide what sexual morality is right for you. If you are religious, you should form yours in conjunction with the teachings of your religion. Most religions hold that sex outside of marriage is a sin. Oral sex is still sex. Sexual intercourse includes vaginal intercourse, oral intercourse, and anal intercourse. Some people also include manual intercourse. This was a big issue when President Clinton claimed that oral sex didn't constitute cheating on his wife. I think a consensus was reached in the country that it is cheating.

I am a girl who masturbates quite a lot, as much as a guy actually, but I started around ten. When I was 6 or 7 my sister made me have sex with a boy down the block my age. I don't remember his penis going in me. Am I still a virgin? (age 15)

I'm sorry you had to endure that trauma. Your sister needs help. I don't think a 6 or 7 year old boy could get much of an erection, let alone penetrate a girl, especially if it were against his will. I think it's pretty likely you're still a virgin.

I am a married male, 10 years with two children. My wife lately has been thinking up just about any excuse not have sex with me. " My back hurts, I have a headache, my stomach is upset," and so on. Then she will go to our bedroom and masturbate. After telling her that this hurts my feelings and made me feel inadaquate and unwanted, she said she was sorry and then a week later restarted the same behavior. When she has sex with me, I will then get up and she will masturbate alone after I leave. I am not sure how to approach her about his subject and I am unable to understand her behavior. (age 35)

I think your problem is beyond the scope of this site, but I'll try anyway. I tell women that they have to accept that men's masturbation is normal, so maybe part of it is accepting that about your wife too. You should try to understand why your wife is sexually unhappy. It might be just temporary and this behavior won't continue. Perhaps she's not being satisfied in intercourse. Might try satisfying her with your hand and see if she responds to that.

Can I have sex now with a girl at my age? (age 13)

Sexual intercourse is possible whenever you can become erect, but I would advise against it at your age. The risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are too great. There is also the matter of psychological harm that can result to both you and your partner from being sexually active at such a young age. I also think you'd enjoy it more when you're older.

My wife and I want to have another child. Should I abstain from ejaculation for a week or two so my testicles will build up lots of sperm. I know this will make my orgasm highly pleasurable, but will it make it more likely that when I ejaculate my built-up sperm that it will fertilize the egg? (age 32)

This is beyond the scope of my site, but here's my advice anyway. Abstaining for that long is not a good idea unless you have severe male infertility. The optimum abstention time is two days, because after that, the sperm start to die inside your body, and the semen is less fresh and is less hospitable to conception. In less than two days' abstinence, you might not have enough sperm ready, and your volume of ejaculate is apt to be smaller.

I enjoy frequent sex with my wife - about every other day, however, I also like to masturbate regularly - almost every day. The doctors say that I should be happy and enjoy it, but is this excessive? I get several erections a night and still perform. (age 68)

You're an inspiration to us all! Your frequencies are higher than average, but I'm not sure I'd call them excessive. If you aren't having pain in your prostate (which can radiate out to other private parts) then your body is handling it fine.

How do guys have sex with each other?

The most common behavior is manual stimulation of each other or mutual masturbation. That's the safest. Some guys have intercourse orally or anally. Anal sex is the highest risk behavior. It's a very good idea to limit intercourse to a monogamous partner and to use a latex condom or dental dam.

My husband masturbates in his sleep and does not remember that he does it. What should he do to stop doing it while he is sleeping? (age 28)

You might try waking him up while he's in the act. It might also help if he could be sexually satisfied when he goes to bed. It occurs to me that those aren't the answers you wanted to see.

Can masturbating make someone pregnant? I masturbate and usually the semen is all over my underwear and I don't want someone to get pregnant by touching it. (age 12)

The only way masturbating can lead to pregnancy is if the semen is carefully preserved. It doesn't live long outside the body. Once it's on your underwear, it's extremely unlikely it could make someone pregnant. The danger comes when you're engaging in sex play with a girl and you get semen on your fingers and then touch her private parts.

If I want to have sex, do I put my penis inside her vagina first or do I open it with my fingers first? (age 21)

It's considered good manners to ask your partner to help you penetrate her. Then she will take your penis in her hand and guide you in. You might need to get her warmed up first, and using your fingers for that is a good idea.

I am 19 years old and I masturbate daily. My partner gave me oral sex for a minute and I was about to ejaculate and I decided to stop. I was really embarrassed. What can I do? Should I stop masturbating?

It's not clear what your problem is. If your partner is OK with your ejaculating, then go for it. Might discuss it first. It doesn't look like daily masturbating is interfering with your enjoyment of oral sex.

I had sex with this girl yesterday and now I feel great but I didn't get her pregnant. A side of me tells me I've done something wrong. Can you help me overcome this and can you tell me why I feel this way? (age 13)

First of all, there's no way anyone can know this soon if you got her pregnant. But you can hope for the best. You feel guilty because having sex at your age is wrong and is apt to lead to trouble for the two of you. It's good that you have a conscience, but you're not likely to overcome that feeling unless you stop having sex.

I have gotten "head" from a girl. It was very enjoyable. Is it bad to do or will it damage my penis as I grow up? I ejaculated in her mouth and she loved it. I hope its OK. (age 13)

It won't damage your penis. It's a good idea to save this kind of behavior for when you're finished growing up. Ejaculating in her mouth is considered a risky behavior. You should wear a condom. There are non-lubricated and flavored condoms made especially for oral sex.

My girlfriend has helped me to masturbate for the last two months and we enjoy it. Should we stop? (age 14)

I think you're too young to be doing that, but you might find it hard to go back to holding hands after you've been engaging in manual intercourse.

If we both masturbate is OK to ask or dare a friend to masturbate so I can know what stage of puberty they are at? (age 13)

I think masturbation is a private thing and not something to do with a friend. Daring someone to do it is just foolishness. You should respect your friends and not use them to satisfy your sexual curiosity.

I think your comments regarding masturbation with other men are both harmful and uninformed. Masturbation, regardless of sexual orientation, in males often happens with other men, or even with same sex erotica. Mutual masturbation between young boys is a natural part of sexual identity development, and your depiction of this behaviour imposes a biased opinion that (1) masturbation is a solo activity, and (2) same sex masturbation experiences (either men masturbating in the same room, or mutual masturbation) is harmful and something that is wrong.

I think someone attempting to provide information, much needed information, should at least be open-minded enough to ensure that any kind of bias, or moralistic viewpoint held by the author DOES NOT shine through in the information as this will cause harm to young readers who are experiencing these behaviours/feelings.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it.....but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

The first place you go wrong is in your first line. I don't know that I've ever made a comment about masturbation between men. Most of what I have written on the subject is in response to questions from underage males. I'm much less moralistic in the advice I give to older people, both gay and straight.

Young people need to be very cautious about with whom they engage in sexual behaviors. The question right above this one is from someone whose desire to masturbate with a friend is due to exploitatative motives.

It's true that many young people masturbate together as harmless discovery, but this is the minority, and most stop when they learn the sexual nature of the masturbatory act.

I don't think you want me to lose my bias as much as you want me to adopt the opposite, pro-experimentation bias that most other writers on the subject hold. Have you written to Hugh Hefner about his bias?

I masturbate about once a day. I never do it prone or in TMS fashion, rather with two fingers under the head of my penis and usually while sitting. It feels better when I rub side to side, not up and down as I have heard most guys do it. I can usually get off in 5-10 minutes.

I have only been sexually active for about 7 months now and with only one partner. When having intercourse I have never been able to have an orgasm. I have tried many positions, focusing on imagery and have even used Viagra to increase size and stimulation, but to no avail. Intercourse feels good but not nearly as good as masturbating. My partner has been with many other people, but is younger than me. Can the vagina become loose from a rich sexual past? Another partner she had has the same problem. I have tried abstaining from masturbation for 4-7 days before intercourse but that did not seem to help. I do not know what to do. Could my masturbation technique be the problem? Are we sexually incompatible? Any help you could offer would me much appreciated. (age 24)

I think your atypical masturbation is the problem. The mechanics of sexual intercourse stimulate the penis up and down and not from side to side. You need to change the way you masturbate. The techniques I suggest on the main page for TMS practitioners should also work for you. Eva Margolies says that many older male virgins have "floppy vagina syndrome," a feeling that their partner's vagina is too big. More from her book on the articles page.

Where exactly is the vagina? Is it on the front of a girls pubic region extending up towards their belly? Is it on the bottom of the torso between the legs or is it on the anus side of the pubic region? (age 12)

It is on the front and more or less points toward the tailbone.

I recently gave oral sex to my friend. We are just friends and nothing between boyfriend and girlfriend are going on. Is it normal for me to want to give him oral sex again? Also, is it okay to swallow his semen? (age 14)

I would take the position that something between boyfriend and girlfriend is going on. Yes, it's very normal for you to want to give oral sex to your boyfriend when you enjoy it. Swallowing is considered unsafe sex. If you're both monogamous and disease-free, it's reasonably safe.

Why do you need protection while having vaginal sex? And what exactly is vaginal sex? (age 14, female)

Vaginal sex is what most people call sexual intercourse, coitus, copulating, making love, "doing it," and you know many more. I use the term to distinguish between other forms of intercourse, such as oral sex. Protection is necessary because vaginal sex exposes both partners to the other's fluids, which can contain sexually transmitted diseases.

My best friend is starting to come on to me sexually, but I'm not positive. I'm not so sure I want to have sex with him. (age 15)

Then don't. Next time he "comes on," confront him about it. At least you'll know for sure and maybe he'll stop.

My best friend and I masturbate together frequently. One night when I was over at his house we masturbated each other but we both have girlfriends. Is this normal or are we gay? (age 14)

Lots of guys who have girlfriends at 14 (or 24) turn out to be gay later, so that can't be ruled out completely. I don't think very many guys your age masturbate together, but enough do that it's not really abnormal either. For the sake of your futures, I think you should hold the line at masturbating together, because there are women you might meet who would reject you for having engaged in homosexual activity.

Do you really blow in a blow job, or do you suck? (female, age 18)

Most people massage the penis with their tongue and their soft palate. Some people suck. Blowing actually wouldn't accomplish much.

My girlfriend wants to have sex but she doesn't know about the hymen. I wonder how she'd react if she found loads of blood pouring out of her. I'd have a heart attack. (age 15)

Don't worry about the hymen. There wouldn't be "loads of blood," and you could deal with it. But if you need a reason for not having sex, I think you've got one.

When I have sex with my girlfriend, is there a certain brand of condom that you suggest that wont break or leak and is reliable? Should I wear two just to be safe? (age 16)

I don't recommend any particular brand. Most of the time the problem is with the user and not the condom. Might practice putting them on. Make sure you don't have any semen on your hands when you put it on. A spermicidally lubricated latex condom is best. Wearing two will greatly reduce your sensation without increasing protection much.

Why is oral sex bad? (age 15)

I don't think it is, but it might not be the best thing at your age.

My girlfriend told me to finger her, and I did. I was wondering if should I ask her to do it to me. I am very shy about that stuff and I was really scared that she would turn me down. So I asked her and she said no and walked away. The next day I fingered her again and still she said no. She is not cheating on me cause we go everywhere with each other and we live next door. What should I do? (age 14)

Your girlfriend is a jerk. When you give someone sexual pleasure, you should expect them to reciprocate. It's just as well, since I think you're too young to be sexually active. Why not let this one go and find a warm and willing partner when you're older.

I recently heard something about when girls first have sex it "pops their cherry." What does this mean? (age 16)

Cherry is slang for the hymen, a thin piece of skin that partially covers the vaginal opening. Even though most females don't have much left of their hymens by the time they first have sex, the experience is still referred to as "popping the cherry."

I have a twin sister and our high school prom is coming up. We have a girlfriend and boyfriend that we know have had sex before. We are both planning to have sex with our partners if we are still dating on prom night. I know it is incest but do you think if we had sex with each other just so we would know how to do it with a partner would be OK? We are both mature and we don't care if we do it and I would wear two condoms to be safe. (male, age 17)

I question your assertion that you are mature. Not caring if you do it is completely contrary to being mature. I also don't think you should have sex with your prom dates just for the sake of having sex, but if you do, I'm sure you will all perform adequately. Having sex with your twin is guaranteed to cause problems that might haunt you both sexually for the rest of your lives and even if executed successfully, is of doubtful value in making you more sexually competent for your prom date.

What brand of condom is the best and safest? Are all condoms basically the same rubber or are some stronger, thicker rubber that are less likely to break and get the girl pregnant? My friend said that he was masturbating with a cheap condom from a vending machine and it split and his semen went all over his bed. Are there condoms like this, and if so what brand are they? (age 14)

I don't recommend specific brands, but you want the kind that are sold in boxes in reliable stores. Some condoms are thinner (usually called "ultra sensitive" or the like) and there are some extra-thick ones that only sex shops sell. Always make sure whatever condoms you buy are made of latex. Other materials offer less protection against sexually transmitted diseases. Masturbating is apt to put more pressure on the condom than intercourse -- the female provides lubrication for the outside, you know. Aside from being a fun addition to masturbation occasionally, masturbating with a condom helps you understand how to use them and what makes them break.

I just love to masturbate! Is that normal? I have no interest in sex because I only can enjoy it alone. I'm not addicted because I only do it twice a week normally. (age 23)

It's normal to love to masturbate, but it's abnormal to have no interest in sex.

My girlfriend stopped giving me oral sex about 8 months ago. We do, however, have sex two to three times a week. is it such a bad thing that she stopped oral or should I stick to the sex? (age 20)

You'll have to decide if you want to move on to someone who will give you oral sex. You should be glad you're having intercourse. A lot of people don't even do that.

My girlfriend recently gave me oral sex and I was fingering her. After we were finished she put my hand on her inner thigh and it was quivering and stopping an quivering again. What was that about? (age 19)

I think she wasn't satisfied and wanted you to do something more to her.

I'm 29, married, and my wife doesn't feel urge for sex as I do. Is there some sex pill which can make her feel for sex as she is not ready to come to doctor with me.

The "sex pill" that has always worked for me is to cuddle with her for a long time and perform a highly erotogenic backrub and neck massage. It's gotten women I didn't even want to have sex with in the first place to plead for sex.

I've been masturbating for a good 3 years now and I REALLY want to have sex. What does it feel like? Do you have any sugestions on how to get around my want? (age 15)

Physically, masturbation feels better. The enjoyment of sex comes from the overall experience of being with a loving partner. I think you're too young to have sex, but if you try to establish a loving relationship, you might be old enough by the time you're in one.

I've been masturbating for about 10 years now off and on, and I never had a problem getting a hard and long-lasting erection when I have intercourse. Over the past year, I noticed that if I was with someone for the first time, I would get excited and aroused, but I was so nervous about pleasing her that I would sometimes lose my hard erection and have only a partly-hard erection. This never happens when I masturbate? Do I masturbate too much? (age 36)

It sounds like nerves. It would help to relax more. Nothing you said indicates you masturbate too much, but an erection might come more easily if you abstain from masturbation for 2-3 days before an expected sexual encounter.

I really like this girl but I just don't have the backbone to ask her out. I don't want to do anything dirty, I just want to hang out. People at school call me gay or fat. Will this ruin my chances of getting a date with her? (age 13)

I think you should ask her out to the movies. Or skating. (Do kids your age still skate?) You'll be glad you did.

Is there a way to have sexual intercourse and not impregnate a female? Is it really dangerous to have sex with a condom? How about a female condom? Is one more safe and more pleasurable than the other? (age 22)

The only 100% effective means of birth control is sterilization. Condoms, male and female, have failure rates associated with them which should be printed on the box. One being more pleasurable is a matter of opinion which different people might have. Using a condom in conjunction with spermicide offers a low failure rate, almost as low as birth control pills.

Is it OK to reuse a condom? (age 20)

For masturbation, it doesn't matter, but for intercourse, reusing a condom is worse than not using one in the first place. It's hard to believe, but there was a time when sex education books gave detailed information on how to wash and reuse a condom. Let's hear it for disposable ones!

Hi, great site! In what way is anal intercourse dangerous? When you do anal intercourse does it hurt? Is it bad to ejaculate while doing anal intercourse? (age 15)

Anal intercourse is not a healthy practice. It interferes with the normal function of the rectum (i.e., disposing of waste) and can damage the nerves needed for sexual feeling. Sexually transmitted diseases are also more readily transmitted anally than they are through other gay practices (e.g. oral sex, manual intercourse), making it the most unsafe sex. Anal intercourse is extremely painful for people who are new at it. Ejaculating during anal intercourse increases the risk to both partners for sexually transmitted diseases.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for a while now and we recently started thinking about sex. She asked me if I wanted to perform oral sex on her, but I don't know how. (age 24)

Most women like the area around the clitoris stimulated, although not the clitoris itself usually. Kind of like how men like the shaft of their penis stimulated, but not the head. You would be better off manually stimulating her for a period of time so you get to know where she likes to be touched, and then orally stimulate those same places.

I started masturbating when I was 15. With my girlfriend, I 've gotten hard quickly and then my erection does not last long. How can I keep my erection longer? It's my first time having sex. (age 25)

It might be nerves. Try to relax more. It would also help to abstain from masturbating for 3-4 days before an expected sexual encounter.

If my girlfriend wants to have oral sex (by fingering her) how should I do it so that she likes it? And if I give her oral sex will she give it to me? (age 15)

You'd think so, wouldn't you? She might have other ideas. Oral sex is not fingering her, but stimulating her privates with your mouth. Might spend some more time reading the glossary.

YOUR SITE IS VERY EDUCATIONAL. Let's say my girlfriend wants me to finger her. How should I do it so she will enjoy it? (age 14)

Pay close attention to feedback from her and do what pleases her.

Is it possible for a girl to experience no pain at all when she's being penetrated for the first time and when she didn't want the intercourse? Why does a girl just give up struggling and allow penetration to take place when in the first place she didn't want sex but the guy kept insisting?

It's possible but not very likely. A girl and her body will resist when she doesn't want the sex. Sometimes girls give up the struggle because they're afraid of saying no or they just give in and say yes. It's important for males to respect a female's right to refuse intercourse, and vice versa.

I love your site and I find it very informative. I highly respect you for doing this for people of all ages. What is your opinion on the proper age to have a girlfriend? (age 15)

If you're just talking about companionship and doing activities together, I think 13 is a good age. I don't think sexual experimentation should take place until much older.

I want to know what sex feels like before I do, can you tell me a description, you don't have to say anything personal. (age 19)

One noted writer says "it's like dipping it in honey." You might be disappointed to find out that physically, masturbation feels better. The real fun of sex is the excitation of doing it with a special partner.

Can having sex with multiple partners cause a girl to be infertile? And does her vagina conform to the shape and size of the biggest penis experienced? I feel that my girlfriend's vagina's not tight and I can't reach orgasm when having sex with her. Do you think this is due to my inexperience or what? I'm so disappointed and sad that someone I love so much has had so many sexual experiences with a number of guys already and that she's not totally mine in the sexual way.

Not directly, but having multiple partners can expose someone to diseases that can make them infertile. No, the vagina is not like a plaster mold. It is elastic. You don't give your age, but I suspect you're well over 20. Eva Margolies says in her book Undressing the American Male that older male virgins tend to suffer from what she calls "floppy vagina syndrome." A woman's vagina will never be as tight as you can make your fist. Your girl is totally yours if you're her monogamous partner.

When my girlfriend and have completed foreplay and are ready to have sex, I always become limp. What can I do to prevent this? (age 18)

Just relax and enjoy what you're doing and then have sex when you get nice and hard again. Don't worry so much about the erection.

My girlfriend sometimes lets me touch her down there, sometimes she doesn't. I want to have sex with her, but I'm scared that if I start to have sex with her, she will like it and will do it with other guys. I'm 2 years older than her, so is she ready? What should I do to let her know I love her and respect her but I want to have sex? (age 17)

Why don't you tell her that? I think the first thing you should do is research the question of age of consent in your state. You're supposed to do things so she likes it, and the odds are she will leave you sooner or later and do it with other guys. You're quite immature if you think otherwise. If you have to ask me if she's ready, she probably isn't. Maybe take it slow, and if you absolutely must have intercourse, perhaps find an older partner.

My girlfriend feels horny now and then and I help her masturbate by stroking her clitoris. She moans very loudly. I am afraid my neighbours might hear it. I feel like having sex with her when I see her feeling helpless lying on the bed. Is this normal?

Very normal. From your description, I think a lot of guys would like to have sex with her. I'd rather be with a girl who moans and alerts the neighbors to what we're up to than have no girl and uncurious neighbors.

My girlfriend stroked me off and I ejaculated. I got a little semen on my fingers and 20 to 30 minutes later, I stroked her privates with the same fingers. Is she pregnant? (age 21)

It's unlikely but not impossible to get pregnant that way. The thing in your favor is the time lag. It would be hard for sperm to stay viable that long on your fingers. Always wash your hands after getting semen on them before exposing them to a female's privates.

My friend's 12-year-old sister and her friend both want to make out with me. The friend says she wears a D cup that I find unbelievable for her age. She was talking about me getting into her shirt or her flashing me. I want to do this but I am nervous and I get erections frequently and easily. If I do this would it be normal for me to have an erection? I know that both of them have made out before and I haven't. Could you please tell me how I should do this with tongue? (age 14)

I think you're moving a little fast for a 12 year old. You might start out without tongue. It is possible for a girl that age to need a D and it is a virtual certainty that you would have an erection while making out. Keep in mind that making out with both of them is apt to alienate one of them. Maybe pick the one you really want.

When I see this girl, I get an erection and she asks me if she can touch it. I want her to, but I am scared I will get in trouble. What should I do? (age 13)

Don't let her. You don't want to get in trouble and you definitely don't want to get the girl in trouble.

My girlfriend and I are very close. There is a party coming up and we have already discussed that she is going to give me oral sex and I am going to do the same to her. If I pull my penis out of her mouth before I ejaculate, should I still wear a condom? How do I bring her to orgasm orally? How do I do what will bring her the most sexual pleasure? (age 16)

I don't think you should do something just because a party is coming up. Oral sex is unsafe, therefore a condom is necessary during all of it. I don't know your girlfriend well enough to answer your second question. You might get to know her better before doing that.

I have been masturbating since I can remember and still do. I am happily married and enjoy sex and have no problem getting an erection. My wife and I sometimes enjoy mutual masturbation and will do each other on occasion. Is this unusual for people our age? (age 80)

I don't know, but asking sex questions on the Internet is kind of unusual for your age. Hey, just being married is unusual for your age.

Do females get aroused the same way males do? What is the normal age for girls to have their period? (age 12)

The physical process is about the same, but mentally, males and females arouse through different pathways. Males are most responsive to things they see, but females are most responsive to the touch of a partner. That's why pictures are so popular among men and why women want so much foreplay. Girls start menstruating at about 12.

There is a girl who is my age who I really like and she dumped me after I wanted to hold hands. Nor does she want to kiss. Is her behavior normal? I want no further than that. What could I do to get her back and kiss me? (age 11)

I don't think she's abnormal, and you seem to be going fast for 11. I think if you got her back neither one of you would be happy. Might find another girl who enjoys your affections.

Follow-up: A couple of her friends told me that she had frenched another boy before me. What is the deal? I am the best looking kid in school!

Even more reason to move on. Looks aren't everything.

My girlfriend is scared of my penis because it is 8 inches long and 6.5 inches round and I measured correctly. She thinks that I am going to injure her if we have sex because she isn't experienced with my sized penis. What can I do to reduce the risk of injuring her? We both want to have sex. (age 18)

Be very slow and gentle. You're really not that much bigger than what she's had before, relative to the size of the vagina.

I love your site! It is quite educational. Are there any easy to read physical signs that a girl is ready for sex? (age 18)

If she's been through puberty (breasts developed, hips widened, menstruating), she's physically ready for sex. Other factors might be more important in deciding if she's ready, such as her emotional maturity, where she's at educationally (i.e., can she end school if she gets pregnant), and her personal and religious values.

How can I cut down on masturbating ? I masturbate every day but I want to cut it down to once or twice a week. My girlfriend wants to have sex with me and last time we tried I was too fatigued from masturbating and I didn't last as long as I normally do. (age 18)

Don't do it for three days before an expected sexual encounter. You ought to be able to cut down to twice a week without much trouble.

I have been masturbating for a good 5 years now a few times a week. I find that I have two problems when with women. Unless a woman uses lubrication, she won't be able to bring me to orgasm by hand. When I have sex, I find it hard to reach orgasm if I have a condom on and I think this may have to do with how I masturbate. I try to hold off as long as possible. I dont know if that would affect my ability to have sex, but maybe I have become so used to pleasing myself that way that different stimulation isn't as effective. (age 20)

It's better to use lube so it's good that you've learned to reach orgasm that way in manual intercourse. You might try masturbating with a condom to make you respond to one better in intercourse. It's good to try to last longer. But don't hold off "as long as possible." Ten to fifteen minutes is plenty.

I have never had sex but I have been masturbating since I was 14. I am in a relationship and my girlfriend tells me she is a virgin.We kiss and smooch often but I want to know if I can tell whether or not she is a virgin by fingering her. Can I have access to her clitoris while doing this if she really is a virgin? (age 24)

I think you should trust her. If you examined her hymen, you might it's gone but she's still a virgin. Most girls break theirs through masturbation, tampon use, or manual intercourse. Her clitoris is barely inside her outer labia and its access is the same whether or not she is a virgin.

I have had sex 3 times and used a condom and didn't have an orgasm! But I masturbate and can reach orgasm easily. Does a condom make a difference? (age 15)

Yes. You might abstain from masturbating for 3-4 days before your next expected sexual encounter.

Can I get a girl pregnant without ejaculating inside of her? (age 16)

Yes. It's important to keep your hands out of her privates if they have semen on them.

I had sex for the first time a week ago, and I didn't reach orgasm. We had intercourse for eight minutes and then stopped. I thought the first time would be short. I masturbate a lot. Could that be the problem? (age 19)

You should have been able to go longer than eight minutes. At least 20. It would be a good idea not to masturbate for 3-4 days before your next intercourse.

I recently had sex for the first time and you know how many people think that an orgasm obtained by masturbating is the same as one obtained by intercourse? I just wanna say that my orgasm was so intense while I was having sex that I felt paralysed. I've never had an orgasm that good when masturbating so I think that theory is wrong. Great site you've got here. (age 17)

I've always said the physical part of it is better from masturbation but the overall experience is better from intercourse. I don't think you can posit a theory based on only one instance of having sex. Why not revisit the topic in a year?

If you masturbate then urinate, could you get someone pregnant if they sit on that toilet? (age 17)

I don't think so. Sperm can't live outside the body very long, and urine would probably kill them. I also think it's unlikely a female would sit her vulva in a mixture of fresh semen and fresh urine.

My girlfriend and I recently started having sex. We slept together daily for about a month, until her period started. After it ended, her vagina was much tighter and remained that way for a few days. Then, we stopped sleeping together for a few days while she was out of town. When she came back, her vagina was much looser. Should I be worried that she might have become looser while gone because she was having sex with someone else? (age 21)

Your question is more about your girlfriend's fidelity than my knowledge of female anatomy. You should either learn to trust her or get a new girlfriend.

A 12 year old girl and I want each other. I am really horny. And she is becoming horny. Is it wrong if we give each other sexual favors? (age 15)

Yes, it's wrong, and it's probably also statutory rape.

I have never gotten blue balls, but I have been aroused without ejaculation many times. My girlfriend asks me if I'm going to have blue balls, so all I tell her is I'm used to it. Is there a reason for this? (age 18)

Not every case of getting aroused without ejaculation will cause vasocongestion, or "blue balls." You might also have a high threshold for discomfort, or the blood flow from your pubis is especially good.

I'm 12 and I was wondering how to masturbate. My penis has skin over the pink part. Is that normal? I want to have sex bad. Does masturbating help?

You might start with my guide for young men. Your penis sounds uncircumcised from your description. That's natural. I don't think you should be having sex at your age. Masturbating will help you get ready for sex someday and will make you less obsessed with not having it.

My girlfriend and I were having sex. I was using a condom but it tore and I had the rushing urge to cum. We tried to take my penis out but it was stuck and I came. Why did my penis get stuck in her vagina? How can you tell if a girl is a virgin?

I don't think you tried hard enough to get it out. The "rushing urge" (what's properly called plateau - see the glossary) makes it hard for a lot of guys to stop when they should. I think you'll have to find a girl you can trust and ask if she's a virgin.

I was reading a book that kept referring to proving the chastity of a girl by holding up a sheet after having sex with her husband. What are they talking about? (age 15)

When the hymen breaks, there is bleeding. Most girls break their hymens before they have intercourse for the first time (i.e., lose their virginity) so the sheet test wouldn't prove much.

One day I fingered my girlfriend 3 times. She came but I kept going and then she was hurting real bad. She took a shower and when she finish she couldn't walk or sit right. She told me that it really hurt under her belly button and she was bleeding. She bled heavily and the pain got worse. She would walk and fall down because of how much it hurt. Did I injure her? (age 18)

I'd say you probably broke her hymen, but it shouldn't have hurt like that. If it continues to hurt, or hurts severely next time, she should see a doctor.

I was recently researching for an assignment on HIV. I read that anal sex is safe as long as the male dosn't ejaculate inside the partner. Is this true? (age 13)

No. Sexual fluids can leak out before ejaculation, and they can contain HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. Also, anal sex is very bad for the anus and rectum and can lead to their non-functioning.

I am a 20 year old male. I sometimes masturbate 9 times a day. Can sex stop my masturbation habit? I also used to use masturbation as a sleeping pill. How can I make a girl have sex with me? Can masturbation cause problems for me making a girl pregnant?

Most people cut down on masturbating when they become sexually active, but you'll probably never stop altogether. The people who have the most sex also masturbate the most. It's OK to masturbate to help sleep. I don't think you should make a girl have sex with you, but once you get to know one and you like each other, then you can ask her. Masturbation won't permanently damage your fertility.

I really love your site. I live in Canada and i was wondering where I can get a condom. I don't plan on using them for sex. I just want to try one on. (age 13)

Condoms are readily available in Canada. You can buy a small package of them at any drug or discount store. There are also social service agencies that give them free to young people.

I always get an erection while making out. I try to hide it usually but would it be normal for her to feel it? (age 14)

Rubbing your erect penis against her is a higher level of sexual interaction than merely "making out" (hugging and kissing). I think etiquette dictates that you keep your girlfriend from feeling your erection at your age. When I was much older than you (more than twice as old, in fact), I usually kept a pillow between the two of us so feeling the erection wouldn't make either of us uncomfortable.

What is a clit? Why do girls have them? (age 13)

The clit, or clitoris, is the only human organ whose only purpose is sexual pleasure. You might read the glossary.

If you have sex without condoms with your partner before her period, will it start coming within 1 or 2 days and therefore be safe as birth control? (age 25)

No. Sex and/or masturbation will not make a woman's period come sooner. Sex is a very bad form of birth control.

If I were to ejaculate in a girl's mouth, could she get an STD? (age 14)

Yes. You should wear a condom. They have flavored and unlubricated ones made especially for oral sex.

I heard drinking coffee and excessive masturbation will cause you to not last long in bed with your partner. Is this true? (age 19)

Caffeine might interfere with the blood flow to your penis, which can inhibit your erections, but I don't know that it has any impact on duration of intercourse. Excessive masturbation will tend to make you take more, not less time, to reach orgasm.

I am a fatter person and I'm afraid I won't have a partner for a while. Is there any way I can receive more pleasure from masturbation?

Don't give up on finding a partner. You might also try to lose weight and make yourself more attractive in other ways. Masturbation is not an inferior form of sex. You should enjoy it for what it is. Using pictures enhances the experience for most people.

Can pre-cum get a girl pregnant? (age 17)

Yes.

I often have a problem entering a woman when erect, especially when wearing a condom. I don't seem to "fit," no matter how hard I push. This has happened with several different partners. Using lubricant helps a little, but even then this still happens. Sometimes I can enter at first, but when she gets more excited or has an orgasm she clamps down and I can't enter again. After sex, I sometimes feel pain at the base of my penis. Have you ever heard of this? (age 33)

Yes. You need to be at maximum hardness when you enter her, and she needs to be relaxed and well lubricated, preferably as a result of her own arousal. It's a good idea if you've gone 3-4 days without an orgasm at that point.

My girlfriend and I tried anal sex for the first time tonight, and now she says she has a stomachache and a headache. Can anal sex cause this? I would hate to think she is pregnant, but I know that there is ALWAYS a risk. (age 17)

Anal sex cannot cause pregnancy, and even if it could, your girlfriend wouldn't be feeling the symptoms of pregnancy so soon.

Is sex for females like it is for males? Can a female have an orgasm through anal sex? Is anal sex enjoyable for females?

Far fewer women have a desire to try anal sex than men, and many, many more say they'll never do it again once they've tried it. I think this means anal is not enjoyable for most women. The key difference is that for a man to perform anal on a woman, he's essentially doing the same thing as when he's having vaginal intercourse -- penetrating her with his penis. But for a woman, it's not the same at all. In vaginal intercourse, she's being penetrated in an organ designed to be penetrated. But in anal, she's being penetrated in an organ not designed for penetration, and it's extremely uncomfortable and painful for her.

Women might have orgasms during anal sex, but they won't have them from anal sex. This is because the most erogenous spots on a woman are not stimulated by anal sex; she or her partner have to stimulate them manually. And no, sex for females is not at all like it is for males. Some of the physiological processes are the same, but the sex act is much more stimulating for male than the female. That's why it's important for the male to satisfy the female before penetrating her with his penis.

I have a girlfriend and she does not want to have sex yet, so we usually dry hump with our clothes on. She is on top and I'm on the bottom. Her going back and forth rubs my penis causing me to ejaculate. Is this OK to do? (age 17)

It's not the best for your penis, having so much weight rubbing against it, so I hope this will only be a transitional thing for you.

Will excessive masturbation (twice a day) inhibit the ability to conceive? Does it reduce sperm count? (age 38)

I don't know that twice a day is necessarily excessive, but if you're actively trying to conceive, you don't want to masturbate less than two days before having sexual intercourse. In the long term, masturbation will make no difference in your sperm count.

When I'm about to have sex, sometimes I don't get an erection, or it is difficult. Whose fault is this? What can I do to prevent this from happening? (age 16)

It's not anyone's fault. You'd be better off if you stopped worrying about it. You cannot will yourself to have an erection. You might have an easier time if it's been 3-4 days since your last orgasm.

I masturbate regularly, and have never had intercourse. I am scared that if I penetrate a girl and she bleeds from her hymen breaking, can I get a sexually transmitted disease? (age 14)

Yes, you can. One more reason to practice safe sex.

I'm 18 years old and when having sexual intercourse I have anorgasmia. It takes anywhere from 40 minutes to two hours for me to reach orgasm, and when I want to come I have to concentrate a lot, and mostly I exhaust myself and decide to pull out and masturbate. I masturbate about 5-7 times a week, with my hand. What is my problem? I really am frustrated.

Five to seven times a week is about how often men your age who don't have partners masturbate. If you're having sex, you should be masturbating a lot less than that, especially if you're just learning to have sex. I advise you to abstain from masturbating for 3-4 days before your next intercourse, and once you get the hang of it, you can reduce the abstinence period. With any luck, you'll soon be able to have intercourse successfully within a day of masturbating.

Could sexually transmitted diseases be transferred via making out or fingering a girl? (age 14)

"Making out," by definition, is not sexual and could not result in sexually transmitted diseases. It is possible, although not very likely, that STDs could be spread by manual intercourse.

Is it true that a female's skin glows after orgasms? For how long? Can anyone actually tell if you have had an orgasm? (age 15)

Both men and women may experience flushing after orgasm. It only last about 10 minutes. Sex flush might be a clue to someone that you have had an orgasm, but no one can tell solely on the basis of that since other things cause flushing too.

I know that you've said that people my age should wait a while before having intercourse. But do you advise against mutual masturbation? Oh, and your site is pretty cool! (age 14)

Yes, I advise against doing anything "below the waist" at your age.

If the average penis is 6 inches, and the average vagina is 4 inches, shouldn't it be impossible for most men to fit entirely inside most women?

The penis isn't supposed to fit all the way in. And the vagina doesn't start right at the outside anyway.

I have been reading the questions and answers on your site for a couple of hours now. Thank you. I masturbate about once daily, sometimes twice. I think I have been sometimes gripping my penis too hard when I masturbate because sometimes when my girlfriend and I are having "dry sex" to get started, my erection goes away. I was thinking that my penis could be used to having much more stimulation than her vulva rubbing on it. I also just read about caffeine constricting blood vessels. Could cutting back on caffeine help with my problem? (age 17)

I doubt caffeine is part of your problem. Better you learn to masturbate with as little force as necessary. "Dry humping" is not a healthy activity. It's more like TMS masturbation than like normal intercourse. You might quit using that as a warm-up activity.

I tried to do intercourse with my lover but I couldn't insert my penis into her vagina as she is a virgin too. Is it really hard to insert a penis into a virgin's vagina? (age 22)

Be slow and gentle, and make sure she's aroused and well lubricated.

Due to a genetic disorder I have a minor case of neurofibrotosis. I am considering getting a vasectomy so I won't risk getting my wife pregant and having a child with severe defects. Will a vasectomy affect sexual performance and is it reversable on the chance I decide to have my own children and hope for the best? (age 17)

How sad you're thinking about a vasectomy at age 17! You should really wait until you find a partner and then discuss the matter with a genetic counselor. The chances of fathering a child with the condition might be very low. To answer your questions, vasectomies have been reversible for more than 20 years and are generally believed to have no effect on sexual performance.

How can I know if girls want to have sex with me? I like this site. I'm 20 but I have never tried sex because I have no girlfriend.

You'll have to interact with girls for a while before trying sex. You might get to know some at school, church, group activity, etc., and perhaps ask one out for ice cream. When you find one who likes you, you can go on longer dates together and eventually physical activity can happen.

I have been having sex for about a year now with my girlfriend, and I think I have normal ejaculations during sex, but I have never been able to come any other way. I know the correct way to masturbate, and I get very close to coming, but I never reach orgasm before my hands get tired. And I have never been able to come when my girlfriend performs oral sex on me either. (age 20)

I'm skeptical that a person who is sexually active has never masturbated, but I will respond to your story at face value anyway. It's good that you're ejaculating during sex, but it would be good for you to have learned to masturbate before you tried sexual intercourse. Why not make that a priority? Even take a little break from intercourse if you have to in order to learn how to masturbate. Once you know better how you like to be touched, it will be easier for her to bring you to orgasm with her hands and/or mouth.

What is dry humping? (age 13)

It's simulated intercourse done with one or both partners clothed.

My penis is about 6-7 inches. It is possible my girlfriend and I could be have sex soon. Could my size cause her damage with me being the first? I have no experience either. (age 16)

Your size is average or only slightly bigger. Not permanent damage, but any male could bruise a female temporarily as a result of being too rough. Try to go slowly and gently and keep her comfort in mind.

When I'm having sex with my girlfriend and I'm on top, I orgasm a lot quicker than if she is on top or if she is giving me oral sex or a handy. Any idea why? I think it's because I'm more relaxed when she is on top. (age 18)

You should come sooner when you're more relaxed. You come quicker when you're on top because you have more control.

What risks are my girlfriend and I taking by me performing oral sex on her, and vice versa? (age 18)

Oral sex is much less risky than vaginal sex. There is no risk of pregnancy, and the risk of STDs is quite low. It's best to use a flavored, unlubricated condom. You should wear one when she performs oral sex on you, and you should cut one into a dental dam when you perform oral sex on her.

Good site, thanks. I have been masturbating for 3 or 4 years pretty much every day, and it's always been all fine and dandy. But it has been very difficult for me to orgasm for about 2 weeks. I can't even orgasm when receiving oral sex from my girlfriend. After reading a website that said if you masturbate every day, you can ruin your sex glands or something, I got pretty freaked out. (age 15)

Masturbating every day is normal and healthy, and a lot of fun. It's good for your sex glands. You should abstain from masturbating for 3-4 days before having oral sex. Especially when you're learning.

Follow-up from the same poster: I tried not masturbating for 3 days before I received oral sex, but when I was getting it, I felt like my mind was just somewhere else and I couldn't stay hard. Do you think the fact that I usually pre-cum in my pants a bit when making out before oral sex is causing my sexual arousal to go down when getting oral, and do most guys have that happen to them as well?

Yes, that happens to all guys, and it makes it better the longer it happens. You need to maintain a mental focus when having oral sex, just as you do when masturbating, and not let your mind wander off into places that cause you to lose your erection.

Do women have an urge to have sex like men do? If so, what triggers this? (Good looks, like it is with men, or personality traits?) (age 14, male)

The female urge to merge is most easily produced by the touch of a partner. I don't believe this to be a complete answer, so I ask my female readers, what gives you the urge to have sex?

I have been masturbating for at least 2 years now. I used to do it twice a week on average but now I am starting to do it at least every night. Is this normal? When I am hugging or cuddling a girl or touching a girl in any way, I get an erection. Is that normal? Will putting an elastic band on the bottom of my penis keep it from erecting? Will this cause harm? Do you have an easier method to stop having erections when I am around girls? This site is a great source of information. (age 15)

Your frequency is very normal. At your age, it's also very normal to get an erection when an attractive girl so much as looks at you. The rubber band will not prevent erections but might damage the blood vessels and nerves that drain your penis. Just keep the girl from feeling your erection and you'll be fine.

My girlfriend and I recently started having sex, and she likes to insert my penis into her vagina herself. She has more sexual experience than me, and she says that she has always done it this way, even with guys who are more experienced, because she knows better what angle to insert it at. I just want to know if this is common and if many women prefer to guide the penis in with their own hands. (age 20)

Very much so, even between partners who have been having sex only with each other for many years.

Is it OK to have sex at this age? I'm 15 years old and I've been masturbating for four years. I have a girlfriend who uses birth control, and I can get condoms from my dad. I feel ready. Is it all right?

I think you know I'm not going to tell you it's all right. It's good that you're thinking of birth control and disease protection, but there are other consequences of sex too, like being drawn in to a person you might not want to be attached to at your age, and the feelings you might have if the relationship ends. Birth control and condoms aren't 100 percent effective either.

I suspect my sister (age 16) had sex. I think this because I was looking for something of mine that may have been in her room. When I moved her backpack, a note fell out. It was talking about how a guy liked my sister and wanted to "hook up" with her at a party. She told her friend she would. I think hook up either means hang out with someone or have sex. I think in this case it might be sex because she knows this guy very well. I asked her what hook up meant and she didn't tell me. Please help. (age 13)

Why should I help you spy on your sister? I don't think you want to protect her. You only want to satisfy your curiosity. But you're right. Hook up can mean either of those things. It's ambiguous. That's why I never use it. I don't think your sister is going to tell you anything. So why don't you apologize for snooping before she decides to put a spy camera in your room?

What is the other way to enjoy sex if not married, rather than masturbating? (age 24)

And other than having sexual intercourse? I suppose you could have someone perform manual or oral sex on you, which are forms of sexual intercourse.

I am a newly married man. My wife was still a virgin and I knew her for a long time. On her first intercourse with me, no blood came out and no bleeding occurred as I expected when the hymen is broken. Could you please give me some answers? (age 28)

Most women lose their hymens a long time before your age even if they have not had intercourse. The hymen can break through lesser sexual activity, masturbation, tampon use, and even exercise. I hope you are not suspecting or accusing your wife of anything sinister. From what you say, I have the impression you were not a virgin yourself.

Does frequent masturbation take away from the quality of sexual intercourse? I frequently masturbate and find that sex with my girlfriend does not seem as pleasureable as it should be. If I cut back on masturbating, will this reverse? (age 36)

Yes, frequent masturbation will interfere with sexual intercourse. When you become sexually active, you need to learn to balance the two. If you cut back on masturbating, and even abstain for 3-4 days before having sex, you'll notice a big difference.

I have fingered my girlfriend quite a bit but until the other day, not for a lengthy session. She wanted me to stop because she worried that she would urinate. How should I approach the situation next time it arises? (age 17)

It's normal for someone who isn't used to sexual feeling to confuse the two. Your girlfriend would be less worried if she urinated beforehand.

Is it normal to masturbate with a girl and then have sex with her afterward? (age 14)

A lot of people masturbate together as foreplay. It would be better if sex could wait until you're older.

I have been masturbating multiple times daily without a partner for six years. I last had intercourse when I was 18 years old. I'm extremely tired of masturbation, and I don't get good erections anymore. I think I'm burned out with no real human stimulation. Have I done physical damage to myself? Is it possible to weaken your penis from masturbating too much? (age 24)

You might cut down greatly and see if your erections get better. It is possible to get too habituated to the feelings you get when you masturbate. You might also want to spend more time looking for a partner.

I am a divorced male who has been masturbating every night now for the past 29 years. I masturbate by lying on the bedsheet on my stomach and rolling my penis against the bedsheet or a pillow until I have an orgasm. Am I suffering from TMS? I can get only one orgasm. Can I try for multiple orgasms in this way? (age 34)

Yes, you have TMS. You need to quit masturbating that way. You wouldn't get much feeling from oral sex at all, because few TMS males can reach orgasm that way. Even if you're cured, multiple orgasms would be hard to come by. But you might be able to have sex more than once in a session.

I have a healthy sexual libido and masturbate about 10 times per week. I have never been able to achieve orgasm from intercourse. I have cum from mouth and hand work, but it mostly takes a lot of friction and time. I get erections all the time and very easily, and arousal is high, especially with a partner, but orgasm always seems unreachable. If it's relevant, I should tell you that I am very overweight, but have not always been so. What could be wrong? (age 36)

If you're masturbating as often as usual when you're attempting intercourse, that is definitely inhibiting your ability to reach orgasm. Try to abstain from masturbation for 4-6 days before your next sexual encounter and see if that makes a difference.

I have problems reaching orgasm during intercourse with any partner I've been with. I've only reached it once and that was after 2-3 hours (combination of some good position & good rhythm made it feel really good). I even difficult ejaculating during manual or oral stimulation at times from a female; it usually takes 30 minutes on average. I think the problem I have is masturbation. I used to do it daily at least for almost 8 years now. While sex is great, it just doesn't stimulate me the same way that masturbation does. I believe I've trained myself to ejaculate only in a certain way. I try not to masturbate as much, but it's difficult. Now that I have a g/f who I'm fully sexually intimate with, I find it easier to not masturbate as much. Does my theory sound right to you? (age 24)

Yes. I think balancing masturbation with your sex life (or eliminating masturbation altogether until you're fully functional sexually) will make a lot of difference.

I've been having a problem lately with getting aroused without some self-service. I was wondering if this is normal and also if smoking can affect libido. (age 19)

I don't know about smoking causing low desire, but it can contribute to erectile dysfunction in older males. You might be trying to get aroused too soon after your last ejaculation, or perhaps you're not that excited by your partner.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. She was a virgin when we married and has never really liked sex. About 6 months ago, I talked her into letting me perform oral sex on her and she loved it. Since then, she has been masturbating (which she had never done). She thinks it's OK for her to masturbate but wrong for me. She doesn't want to have sex, unless it is oral, because she says vaginal sex does nothing for her. What can I do to please her, but still please myself? (age 32)

You should please her first orally and then ask if you can mount her while she's still recovering from the orgasm. If this is not an acceptable solution, you might need a marriage counselor.

My girlfriend and I have been having sex for a while and yesterday she asked if I would stick my fingers inside her. Why would she want me to do that? (age 17)

Because it produces a different feeling from vaginal intercourse. She might be especially interested in having you perform manual intercourse on her if she hasn't been having orgasms from vaginal intercourse. You should be flattered that she wants you to do that. Try to make her feel very good.

I have heard people say they like missionary style. What is that? (age 16)

The missionary position is sexual intercourse with the partners face to face, man on top. It was supposedly named in honor of Christian missionaries who went to other countries and observed people copulating in other positions and told them face to face, man on top, was the only sanctioned position.

How deep can the penis go inside a vagina before it starts hurting her? When it does start hurting, do females usually say something? (age 16)

Most, but not all females would tell their partners if they were being too rough. There really isn't a "too far" -- the penis will never penetrate past the cervix -- but a male thrashing inside a woman too roughly can hit some sensitive parts. That's why it's best to be gentle with a new partner.

I love your site. What you are doing is great. I need constant stimulation to stay erect during intercourse. Any discomfort or distraction makes me lose my erection. What is happening and what should I do? (age 29)

It is important to maintain focus and not be bothered by small things. Try to keep distractions to a minimum. It might also help to abstain from masturbating for a few days before your next acts of intercourse.

Your site is the best! I had not masturbated in two weeks, but I still could not maintain my erection with my lady. I thought maybe I was masturbating too much. What can I do now? (age 34)

If you are recovering from TMS, the erections will not improve instantly. That is one reason why you should be masturbating daily for a month before having sex with a partner after quitting TMS. When with a partner, try not to worry about the erection. Enjoy what you can do without an erection, and if you get a good one, then perhaps try intercourse.

At my age, what's an appropriate level of physical touch to expect on the first few dates? A girl and I have been waiting for about 3 months to date, and getting to know each other intimately in the meantime. However, I am unsure of what she may expect when we actually do go out. (age 16)

Since you already know this girl, it would be acceptable to hold her hand on the date or put your arm around her. If it feels right, you can give her a quick kiss goodnight.

I seem to masturbate once or twice a day. It's to the point where I ask myself, "Why do I do this so often? I gotta stop!" I really enjoy it, but I would like to stop or cut back for when I get a girlfriend. Any suggestions to help me out and is this an odd occurence? (age 29)

I don't think it's odd. It's perfectly normal. People are supposed to feel guilty about masturbating so they'll be driven to seek partners. Some allege that frequent masturbation keeps one from looking for a partner. It might be worth trying to cut back to once or twice a week for a few weeks and see if you're going out and meeting more women.

I think your advice is great and think you're doing a great job. I've been with my girlfriend for about 8 months now, and I'm dying to have sex. But it seems important to her to not have sex until she's married. I really love her, but want sex really bad. What should I do (besides masturbate)? (age 18)

Waiting longer isn't such a bad idea at your age. When will you be getting married? That's something you might ask your girlfriend and point out that you might not be able to get married until you're finished with college in perhaps 4 years. Show her that you respect her decision to wait, and strangely enough, she might want to revisit that decision sooner.

How does a female finger a man? And is it arousing for the man? (age 14)

It's more arousing than sitting home watching Cops. Generally, the female does to the man what he does to himself when he masturbates.

I've been masturbating for 8 years. I don't have a girlfriend and I have seen many pics and sex movies but masturbation doesn't feel good. What to do? I masturbate 4-7 times a week. (age 22)

You might be more motivated to go out looking for a girlfriend if you didn't masturbate every day. Try cutting down to once or twice a week and see if it makes a difference.

I've been masturbating for about 12 years and absolutely love it. When my girlfriend and I engage in manual intercourse, I feel I have to slow her down and guide her at times to make it a more sensual experience. Do you think she would mind? She never seems to guide me - is this because I am pressing the right buttons? (age 25)

Girlfriends don't mind being told the correct way to stimulate you. They don't like when they're doing it the wrong way. If your girlfriend doesn't give you the same direction, it might be because she hasn't been masturbating for 12 years and absolutely loving it. Just do what seems to arouse her unless she tells you differently.

I am heterosexual with a girlfriend and worried about impotence. I get erections but they are varied in hardness and often seem unsatisfactory. My erections are especially bad and infrequent when I am with my girlfriend, even though when I masturbate (always with pictures), I usually think of her. I am definitely attracted to her, and I don't think I am particularly nervous about sex. I am worried about going far with her in case it causes embarrassment. (age 17)

You need to worry less about your erections and just enjoy whatever you are doing. It would help to abstain from masturbating for 3-4 days before an expected sexual encounter. Don't worry about being embarrassed. Your girlfriend probably has things she's worried about too. P.S. If you're really thinking of her when you masturbate, what do you need the pictures for?

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 months and we tried to have sex for the first time on New Year's Eve. She is taking oral contraceptives and says she has been for a few years, but we still decided to use a condom. However, after foreplay and putting the condom on, there was a reduction in my erection. This is a problem I had with my previous girlfriends as well. It's more the rigidity of the penis that goes, not really the length. I couldn't enter her at all and that obviously made me feel a bit of a let down - to both myself and her. Two days later we discussed the problem and she let me enter her without wearing a condom. I was fine. However, we both would feel more comfortable using condoms. Is this a common problem and are there any ways I can get around my problem? (age 25)

Yes. Most men feel less stimulation with a condom, and this affects their sexual performance. But condoms are an essential thing these days, especially since you have both been sexually active before. The thing to do would be to put the condom on with a good erection, and then to continue foreplay until you get used to the condom and get rigid again. Then penetrate your partner.

I can't orgasm during sex. After a few minutes I lose my erection. I can't understand why. I have no difficulty during masturbation and can reach orgasm in 5 minutes. During sex I don't have any sensitivity in my penis. I usually masturbate twice a day. I have an enormous desire for that. (age 24)

You need to channel your enormous desire to masturbate into sexual intercourse. Specifically, you need to cut back on your masturbating before having sex. It would be good if you could abstain from masturbation for 3-4 days before your next sexual encounter. I hope that makes the difference.

When we do doggy style, my partner tends to hurt her vagina. What would be the cause of that? (age 21)

She should tell you when it hurts and you should then do it in a way that doesn't hurt. It's best if she can guide your penis in.

I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year and a half now. We used to masturbate privately, but she has long stopped and has requested that I do the same. (It makes her incredibly self-conscious.) At first, I was reluctant to give up masturbating. However, I have been thinking about it for two months now (in which time I've only masturbated once) and I think I would rather like to save my sexual experiences for a time when we can share them together. My hope is that this will increase our enjoyment of intercourse and foreplay. I feel incredibly guilty about masturbating. Not only because I know it mildly upsets my girlfriend, but I feel like it is a crutch, a form of instant gratification. Masturbation is great but I would rather save my orgasms for a time when I can share them with the woman I love. I'm 21 years old. I've been masturbating since I was 14, sometimes numerous times a day (aside from the last two months). I didn't really miss it for the first two months, but now I feel incredibly self-conscious about giving it up. This leads me to dwell on it and feel more tempted than usual. What is the best way to confront this temptation and successfully change the sexual dynamic I have with my girlfriend to one where we only have orgasms with one another?

You suggest you're not having orgasms with each other now. It is wrongheaded and immature of your girlfriend to insist you give up masturbating when you're not having sex. Healthy male sexuality requires frequent ejaculation. Even if you are having sex, nearly all males who are in a sexual relationship masturbate as well. There is no good reason for you to give up masturbating. It would be better if your girlfriend (and you) could be better informed about sexual health.

If you frequently masturbate can you still get a women pregnant? I heard masturbating lowers sperm count. Is that true? (age 21)

Masturbation is not a form of birth control. In fact, some scientists believe frequent masturbation can increase the likelihood of conception in intercourse.

Do most men eject sperm when they masturbate? I have been masturbating for about 15 years now. Is my sperm still good for having babies? During sex, I know that most men are satisfied and done once their sperm is ejected. How do you tell when a woman is satisfied or had enough sex for the moment? (age 30)

Yes, most men ejaculate semen when they masturbate. In fact, that's the reason they do. Your sperm ought to be good enough to conceive. It's usually best to take care of the woman's pleasure before doing your own. You'll know when she's satisfied when she tells you so.

I have been married for 22 years. My wife and I don't agree on sexual frequency. I feel that a minimum of twice a week is not excessive. She feels that once a week is more than enough. We often make love only to twice a month. My wife has no idea that I masturbate daily. Is there something wrong with me? Am I expecting too much? (age 45)

No, I don't think your demands are unreasonable. Perhaps you could discuss this with your wife and tell her how often you masturbate. You might also try to make sex more pleasureable for her and see if it makes a difference.

I'm 15. I am very shy. Is there an easy way to know if a girl likes me, and how should I let a girl know that I like her?

You can try smiling at lots of girls, and the ones who smile back probably like you. In any case, you're going to have to be the one to initiate the relationship, since that is either men's prerogative or their cross to bear. So find one you think likes you and ask her to the movies.

I'm 18 and Im still a virgin. I'm about to go out with this girl and if she wants to have sex, would being a virgin at such an age affect me at all when the time comes to have sex?

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a virgin at 18. You should only have sex with her if it's what you really want.

You say that if you masturbate facing down, that it will harm you. But when I have sex I get on top a lot, facing down. Is this bad? (age 17)

No. Having intercourse face down is not the same as masturbating face down. Your partner's vagina puts much less stress on your penis than the mattress or floor does for someone who masturbates face down.

What exactly is a dry hump? (age 14)

It means thrusting genitals together with a partner in a motion simulating intercourse but with one or both partners wearing clothes.

I heard that oral sex is illegal in some states. Is this true? (female, age 12)

The Supreme Court of the United States recently ruled that laws prohibiting sodomy are unconstitutional. Thus, states cannot prohibit oral sex among consenting adults. However, it might be possible for states to prohibit oral sex involving minors.

I think your opinions about masturbating with family members are incorrect. You treat it as though masturbating with a family member is incest. I read a question about someone masturbating with his younger sister and asking if it is ok, and you just said very harshly that it is definitely not ok. You didn't even put it tactfully. (age 12)

It is incest, plain and simple. It might also be statutory rape or even forcible rape depending on the age of the people. Masturbating and other forms of sexuality are not supposed to be participated in with family members.

I masturbate at least twice a day. I recenty had sex for the first time in years. My girfriend orgasmed a few times, but I found it very difficult to even maintain an erection. I finally had to masturbate to have an orgasm. Should I cut down on masturbation and will this help? (age 32)

Yes, I think that masturbation is interfering with your ability to have intercourse. Twice a day is quite often at your age, especially for someone who is trying to have intercourse. You ought to abstain from masturbating for 4-5 days before your next sexual encounter. I think it will make a big difference.

My girlfriend and I and agree that we are too young to have intercourse, but we both like to masturbate in front of each other. Is this safe? Will any problems arise in the future? (age 15)

I think you and your girlfriend are sensible. Masturbating together is considered safe sex. Just be sure to clean up your fluids and wash your hands before touching her.

When I start feeling my girlfriend's body under her clothes, she tells me to stop. What can I tell her to let me feel her because I don't think it is normal? (age 17)

It's very important that you stop when someone tells you to stop. If you can't wait until she's ready, you can always look for a new girlfriend.

I have recently become sexually active after being chaste for over 2 years. I have had a hard time keeping an erection during the time it takes to put on a condom and sometimes when changing positions during sex. We've been having sex for two months and it is still touch and go, and seems to be getting worse. Also, I used to masturbate TMS style (into my hand) for years and years and recently, on your recommendation, stopped without hardly any problem. Please give me some advice. (age 22)

You should relax more and not try so hard. Don't worry if the erection goes away. Enjoy things you can do without one. It's good that you quit masturbating prone. I think if you become more relaxed and don't worry so much about your erections, they will come more easily.

Why is it dangerous for young teenagers to have intercourse? (age 13)

Because intercourse leads to pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases, and young teenagers especially are at greater emotional risk in terms of dealing with not only those severe consequences but also ordinary aspects of being in a sexual relationship. In most states, it's also illegal for people under 16 or 18 to have sex.

I have problems ejaculating with a partner. My girlfriend has trouble giving me an orgasm when she gives me a hand job. I feel I might grip too tightly when I masturbate. Could be the problem? (age 19)

Yes. Try a looser grip -- actually, try to use as little force as necessary -- and see if it makes a difference.

I learned how to masturbate with my friends in my room on my sleepover birthday when I was 11. It was the first time for us all, and we have done it again recently. Is this normal? I recently had oral sex with one of them. Is this bad? (age 15)

It's common for males of the same age to show others who have never masturbated how to do it, but once you're making a regular practice of it, it's not about learning and it's a sexual practice. I don't think you should be having oral sex with your friends at your age. Or any age. That's not something friends do. It's something to do with sexual partners.

Even though my ex-girlfriend and I have been broken up for about a year, we have continued to talk to each other and occasionally go out, though we were NOT having sex during that time. I loved her and kept asking her for another chance, to which she always replied no. She even dated other guys openly, and let me know quite clearly that she had no interest in me whatsoever. However, just recently, I think she's come to realize that what we had was special and now she wants me back. We even had sex a couple of days ago. The problem is, although I love her, I don't think I could subject myself to that again, for fear of being walked out on and hurt all over again. The twist is, I really think she's sorry and wants to get back together. What should I do? (age 22)

You need to find out where she's really at before you go any further. You say you think she wants you back and you think she's sorry. Make sure before you do anything else. It's possible she was just lonely and wanted a warm body. If she isn't clear about wanting to get back together with you, I think you should break up for good (no more being friends) and find someone who truly is interested in you.

I have been masturbating once a day for the last 3 months. When I am with my girlfriend, she is unable to make me climax, and not because she doesn't try. If I abstain for two weeks will it work again with her? (age 19)

Abstaining from masturbation for a few days will make the penis more sensitive in order to respond to stimulation it's not used to. That's why this site urges an abstention regimen to help males change the way they masturbate. It's a good idea to abstain from masturbating for 3-4 days before an expected sexual encounter. Once you get more used to sex with that partner, you can reduce the interval. I don't think abstaining for two weeks is necessary.

When I have sex with my girlfriend, I ejaculate in the condom, but she has asked me to come on her breasts. What should I do? (age 17)

If you want to do that, then there is nothing unhealthy if you have intermammary intercourse. If you don't want to, you should tell your girlfriend that. It could be she only wants to try it once, after which the two of you could decide if you want to do it again.

Is there any chance that you can catch an STD while wearing a condom during sex? (age 16)

Yes. Condoms don't offer 100 percent protection.

Why is it that some girls are really into having sex while others don't seem to have sexual urges at all? Aren't their reproductive systems the same? (age 17)

It's more a matter of hormones and moral values. Not all are the same on those.

Do girls like to touch their hair when they are sexually aroused? (age 14)

Some do, but it would be a mistake for you to assume that a girl is sexually aroused because she touches her hair.

It really tickles when my girl tries to give me oral sex. What can I do? (age 25)

You might try some warming-up exercises to get you used to the feel of it. She could approach you slowly and do some moderate kissing and touching, and only take you in her mouth when you're comfortable.

I`ve recently started to stimulate and finger my girlfriend with my clothes on and her being all naked. She likes it. I know she's never had sex nor masturbated before. I want her to return the favor by stimulating me by hand. She is willing but I fear she might find it ugly to stroke my genitals. What should I do? (age 17)

You probably don't have to worry about that. Just try to ease her into it and remind her you're already doing the same for her.

Your site is well organized. At 13, I have a girlfriend, and our relationship is not sexual. At this age it should not be anyway. Not too long ago, we tried something new. We ended up fingering each other, something beyond our normal hugs and kisses. I was very happy and excited, but this activity at so young a age is not bad, I mean it is very controlled, and we have agreed not to have intercourse, at least not unless we are still together at 18. We also are not doing oral or real masturbation, just petting. Is this terribly bad?

I think even fingering is too much for 13 and is apt to lead to more by the time you're 14. You really ought to stay to your "normal hugs and kisses."

Does the combination of contraceptive pills plus the use of condoms offer 100% protection against pregnancy? (age 17)

No form of protection is 100 percent effective. The pills by themselves, if used correctly, come close. The condoms will protect against STDs.

In the past few months, I have had sex about 6 times, with 4 different partners, and I have been using condoms. I have been unable to reach an orgasm while in intercourse with any of them. I have gone for hours each time. About four months ago, I had sex without a condom, which was my first time without a condom. During that intercourse I only lasted about 10-20 minutes, which was normal for me at the time. I have gone to the pharmacy to get different types of condoms, to try to overcome this problem, but nothing seems to be working. I have also been masturbating about once a day. I have no problem reaching orgasm by masturbating. It only takes about 5-10 minutes. If you have any ideas, that would be great. (age 17)

You would be better off if you abstained from masturbating for 4-5 days before an expected sexual encounter. Once you are successful at reaching orgasm with partners, you can cut that period down. Some kind of non-latex condoms supposedly feel better during sex, but for protection against STDs, a latex condom is best.

I have a girlfriend and I regularly think about her, mostly non-sexually, and I am wondering how we should have a relationship. What should we be doing? (age 12)

At your age, I think spending time together (preferably with other friends and couples around) is best. I don't think you should be solo dating until you're older.

How do I know when my girlfriend has had enough? (age 17)

I think you should ask her.

I have been masturbating a lot ever since I learned how to do it. I can do it five times a day if I want to. I never had sexual encounters until I turned 21. That was the first time I was ever given oral pleasure, returned the favor, and had sex. I sometimes get embarrassed or confused because when the girl is giving me oral, I don't get anything from it. It feels good for a while but I can't ejaculate and then it gets to the point where I lose my erection and nothing happens. Is my problem getting oral come from masturbating too much and It just doesn't compare anymore? If so, what do I do? Also, I masturbate a lot because I don't get with a girl very much. (age 24)

If you can reach satisfactory orgasms while masturbating, you should be able to get them from intercourse. If you are masturbating five times a day, it is no wonder that you can't reach orgasm in oral sex. It would be a good idea to abstain from masturbating for a few days before an expected sexual encounter.

I'd like to acknowledge that you are a very intelligent man and know what you are talking about. But I have to disagree on your advice on whether or not someone my age should be taking part in, manual intercourse, oral, etc. People in their early teens usually have a strong sexual desire, and search for things to give them the most pleasure and satisfaction. Yes, masturbation can do this to an extent, but beyond that, people like to experiment, as human nature dictates. I am by no means saying you should stop giving this advice. It is simply my opinion that I post. You may think I am too young at present to be saying this, but take into consideration the sexual desire that today's adolescents can have. (age 14)

Much more than sexual desire, I take into account young people's judgment and their ability to deal with serious sexual situations. Too often, adolescent sexual experimentation leads to pregnancy, venereal diseases, accusations of rape, etc. If young people can wait a few more years, their sexual desire will still be raging, and they will be much better able to deal with the consequences of sexual involvement.

Does vaginal intercourse feel good or hurt women? In some videos, the women look like they're in pain, but some seem to be enjoying it. Why are women more reluctant to have sex than men are? What happens when a woman loses her virginity besides just not being a virgin anymore? (age 17)

Wow, you ask some tough questions. Most women say it feels good, but for more than a few, the first time is painful. You shouldn't base your opinions on porn. It's not real, and the participants are not typical of the people you will meet in your life. The conventional wisdom is that men are motivated to spread their seed around, while women reserve sex for men who are able to care for their children. But a lot of people believe the conventional wisdom is bunk.

Can ejaculation on the vulva cause pregnancy? Can rubbing the tip of the penis on the vulva cause pregnancy? (age 17)

Yes to both.

I had sex once and it was OK. I've masturbated for 5 years and both my partner and I were virgins. I think she lied about being a virgin (she cheated on me once and claimed she did not have vaginal sex with him, only manual intercourse) because when we had sex, she wasn't very tight, but she did bleed a lot, and it was two days after her period. I think she masturbated by her actions when we had foreplay. Do think she was a virgin or a liar? We're not together anymore and I would ask her, but we're not on speaking terms. (age 15)

I think your first sex was only OK not because your partner was or was not a virgin and did or did not masturbate, but because you couldn't trust her. A lot of girls won't be very tight even the first time they have sex. Next time, find someone you can trust and spend more time talking with her and doing more preliminary sexual things before having intercourse.

Thanks to this site, I have cured myself of TMS and can now masturbate normally. I haven't tried sex yet, and I'm thinking of using a prostitute so as not to feel as embarrassed. Do you think this is a good idea? Do you think there is anything wrong with losing your virginity to a prostitute? (age 28)

What could be more embarrassing than to try sex for the first time with someone who is in a severe hurry for you to finish? Prostitutes will not help you cure sexual dysfunction. They will only cause new ones and are a source of diseases too. Try to find a special woman. She's out there.

I'm afraid my wife has been faking orgasms. I've been married for 7 years and never had this feeling until yesterday. How can you tell if a woman is having an orgasm? I asked her if she did and she said yes, but it seemed like she faked it. (age 31)

You ought to learn to communicate with her. A woman who is able to express herself to a lover will tell him to just go ahead and finish rather than fake orgasm. A woman's nipples erect when she has an orgasm.

I'm 16 and I masturbate about 3 times a day and I have never had a problem having an erection while I masturbate but when I'm with my girlfriend, it's harder for me to get one or maintain it. If you masturbate a lot, does it makes it harder for you to get an erection?

In general, yes. Since you only have the problem with your girlfriend, I'm more inclined to believe it's nerves. Try to relax more, and if you can't, then perhaps you shouldn't be doing sexual things with her.

A friend of mine told me that it takes him a long time to achieve orgasm during intercourse. He claims that he rarely masturbates and often will go unsatisfied after intercourse because he fears upsetting his girlfriend. I told him to go to a doctor, as I have very little knowledge of heterosexual intercourse (I'm lesbian), but he will not go. He is too full of pride, which is also why he doesn't masturbate much. Is there some common problem that he has, or should I continue to insist that he go to the doctor? I'm getting sick of being the listening ear and I really want him to get help and stop complaining. (age 20)

He might have a physical problem that is interfering with his sexual response, in which case he needs a doctor. He might merely have a lack of sexual knowledge that can be cured by following the advice on a web site like this one. You might suggest he come here. I've never heard of anyone being too proud to masturbate. Maybe he's only too proud to admit it.

I have masturbated almost daily since I was 13, and I am still a virgin at 26. When masturbating, about half the time I fantasize about females (ones I know or have seen and look sexy). The other half of the time I picture myself, but in much better shape and more attractive (since I view myself as unattractive). I have an anxiety disorder, and even the thought of saying hello to a female I don't work with or am not related to is terrifying to me. Could masturbation be getting in the way? I have tried to cut back, yet I keep doing it. Can masturbation hurt your "real world" libido?

Yes, masturbation can interfere with your desire to pursue sex partners. But I don't think masturbation is your problem. I think you're overly focused on looks -- yours and those of females. Try to find some other things to like about yourself and women. You might also work on your shyness with a support group or a competent therapist.

How far does semen have to travel in the vagina to get a girl pregnant, minimum? (age 14)

Females have become pregnant merely by getting semen on their external labia. The sperm can travel quite well from there.

My fiancée wants us to abstain from sexual intercourse until we are married. While I can respect and accept this, she has taken it a bit further, saying I shouldn't even masturbate. She bought a chastity belt for me and said I should wear it until our wedding night. She put it on me 2 weeks ago, and it's 4 months until our wedding. I'm frustrated beyond reality. No relief is possible. The thing prevents any friction against the penis. I can't seem to explain to her that men need some sort of an outlet. I've also got health concerns about going 4 months without a release. How can I show her that men need some sort of outlet? (age 18)

I think you have bigger problems. You shouldn't be getting married to someone who doesn't trust you, who lacks a basic understanding of male sexuality, and who would use a barbaric means to control you.

I was in a really bad relationship 3 years ago and it put me off getting involved in another until recently. I masturbated throughout the 3 years all the time, sometimes up to 8 times a day. I find my sex drive has decreased, and my erections aren't as strong as they used to be, and I'm producing a lot less ejaculate.

It would be good if you could cut down on masturbating a lot while you get used to having sex with a partner again. There's probably nothing wrong with you. Masturbation and intercourse are just different.

My girlfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time twice, but I lost erection both times after I put the condom on. She and I thought that nervousness was probably the reason why this happened. She also thought that I forced the erection by touching my penis to have sex which could also be why. I never really have a problem getting an erection when I masturbate or when she touches me there, but I'm a little worried about it. (age 19)

If you have no problems when you masturbate, then I think it is nerves and inexperience. Just relax and enjoy things that you can do without an erection. I think you'll be standing up straight before long.

Wouldn't having sex with a condom block the flow of semen from the penis or trap it in? Also, would ejaculating while your penis is pointing upward do something like that? (age 14)

No. Condoms are very thin pieces of latex not able to withstand the flow of ejaculate, and most of them are designed with reservoir tips to catch semen. Ejaculate is very good at overcoming gravity for a second or so. Pointing upward will not restrain it one bit.

Can excessive masturbation lead to the loss of sexual drive?

No, but it represents a channeling of sexual energy away from sex with a partner.

I love your site! I'd like to know how I can give my boyfriend an orgasm using my hands. (age 16)

Ask him to show you what he likes. If he's brave, he'll show you how he masturbates. One technique is to have him put your hand on his penis and move it with his hand.

I'm 35. My girlfriend is 23. I hadn't had sex in about a year. I have no erection problems, I'm hard for her and enjoy vaginal intercourse for about an hour, but I can't achieve ejaculation. I enjoy my time with her and just stop after I please her for a long time. I give up on myself and I figure she is getting tired after an hour. I've changed positions and no luck. Is this related to masturbation?

It could be. It might help to abstain from masturbating for 4-5 days before having sex.

I'm currently dating a girl that I care for very much. I talk about many things with her, but I want to ask her if she masturbates and I want to tell her that I masturbate. What would be the right way to handle this? (age 14)

I think it would be counterproductive to bring this subject up.

Great site! There isn't one girl in my school who likes me. I'm starting to get discouraged that I'll never get a girlfriend. Please help me! Give me advice on how to make a girl like me. (age 14)

Try to be nice to as many girls as you can stand. Smile and say hello. The ones who smile back might be interested. Try to rate yourself honestly on a 1-10 scale and pursue girls who are no more than two numbers away from you. (Don't go after 10's if you're a 6.)

Is it true if you have oral sex before vaginal sex, you'll last longer? (age 15)

Yes.

What do you think about a girl who is not ready for intercourse but is willing to perform manual intercourse and have the guy come into her handkerchief?

It would better if he ejaculated freely and then used the handkerchief to clean up.

How exactly do you have sex? Do you kind of masturbate and then insert your penis into your partner's vagina? I'm confused. (age 14)

You don't masturbate specifically, but often the male is aroused and ready to penetrate before the female is aroused to that point, so often the male will masturbate a little to keep his erection while waiting for the female to get ready. A male, perhaps a young one, who can erect easily has less need for doing this.

Many girls have broken up with me because they say the sex is boring because I do not talk. What do you say? (age 23)

What I say to you is to talk to your partners after sex and you will enhance the experience for them.

Can women tell if you are a virgin?

It's very unlikely.

Sometimes I get my semen on household objects like pillows, sheets, my remote control etc. I have a 21 year old sister and I'm afraid if she sits in my room she'll get pregnant. Do you think this is possible? (age 15)

No, it isn't. But you might be more careful with your semen just out of courtesy to others in your household.

What is the best way to give a girl an orgasm during sex? I asked a girl out and 3 days later her parents made her break up with me. Is this an excuse or could it just be her parents? We still talk for about 10 minutes and she wants to know about high school. She is very friendly and very special. (age 14)

I don't think you ought to be having sex at your age. Maybe it's good that you broke up. You would have to talk to her about whether it was her or her parents behind the breakup. It might be a good idea for you to pursue other girls and perhaps give this one another try in a few years.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now and have masturbated together many times and last night we had oral sex for the first time. She told me that on prom night she wants to lose her virgnity with me. I am really nervous even though prom is a long way off. I don't want to become a dad at 17. What should I do? (age 17)

It's good that you're thinking about the consequences of sex. You might tell her before the prom that you don't want to have sexual relations. If you decide to anyway, it would be a good idea to find two or more suitable forms of birth control.

What is premature ejaculation, and how can I control it? (age 14)

Premature ejaculation is reaching orgasm and ejaculating as soon as one enters a vagina. You really need not worry about PE at your age. The best thing you can do is gradually increase the time you take masturbating over the next few years, so that when you have sex with a female, you are experienced at controlling your ejaculation.

I was with a girl who said she was a virgin. My semen flowed down around her vagina. At that point I began to stick my fingers inside her. Later the head of my penis was in but never full penetration. Is it possible if she is a virgin, she could get pregnant from me sticking my fingers in her vagina with semen down there? I must have ruptured her hymen somewhat because there was blood on my fingers. Is it possible for her to get pregnant?

Very possible and also likely if you keep that up. The hymen offers no protection against pregancy at all. One can get pregnant the first time she has sex or even without having sex if you are careless with your semen like that.

I live with my best friend (who is female) in an apartment near our university campus. As we are extremely close and both single, we sometimes mutually masturbate as a way to relax. I am not sexually interested in her, nor is she in me. Is this situation abnormal in any way? (age 19)

I don't think it's too common, but as long as you both agree you're not interested, I think it's OK.

Do you think girls in today's society are more hornier than men? I've been hearing a lot about girls wanting more sex. (age 23)

I think women, in general, are more obsessed with sex than men are when it comes to reading about it and discussing it. One only has to look at women's magazines screaming about sex from the covers, but there is relatively little about sex in men's magazines like Playboy. But when it comes to actually having sex, I think men consistently want more sex than women do.

How do I know if my partner reaches an orgasm? (age 21)

You ought to establish communication so that she can tell you. I think you could tell by how spasmodic and expressive she suddenly gets. Her nipples will also erect at that point if they haven't already.

Last night when I was about to have intercourse with my girlfriend, she stopped when she saw my penis. I think she stopped because I have these white dots on the shaft of my penis. What are these white dots? I've had them since I was 10. I'm afraid that if another girl sees them, she will think that I have some disease. Is there anything I can do to make these go away? Should I find another girlfriend? (age 23)

Stick with this one. She was about to have sex with you. The dots are probably pearly penile papules. They are harmless. Why not explain them to her. Be sure to tell future partners in advance so they won't be shocked. Or use "mood lighting."

I masturbate 1-3 times a day, depending on how busy I am. My girlfriend of almost a year doesn't seem to think it's normal, saying most guys don't masturbate at all, according to her girlfriends. She expects me to quit doing it. I really don't like it and I feel ashamed of myself after I ejaculate. I tell myself that I am quitting starting today but by nighttime I give up and masturbate again. I don't want to lie and do it behind her back because I feel like I'm cheating on her. What should I do? If I tell her I can't quit, she will surely leave me, but the urge is so great I can't resist doing it. (age 17)

You should tell her you can't quit and won't quit and let her leave you. Then maybe you can find a girlfriend who respects your sexuality. If this girl is interested in learning, you could print out my "Young Man's Guide to Masturbation" and give it to her. You might also study it yourself so you will have less reason to feel guilty about masturbating and want to quit. You're not cheating on someone by masturbating alone.

What can I do to make sex more exciting for my girlfriend? (age 19)

I suggest you ask her.

How do I get a girl who doesn't even know I exist to like me? They already don't even talk to me. They are usually very stiff with me or don't enjoy my company or talking to me. (age 14)

Try being nice to this girl. Not excessively nice. Just smile and say hello, and maybe ask her out after you've broken the ice. Practice good grooming and don't worry so much about how girls treat you, and I think pretty soon they'll come around.

Will I be selfish in sex if I refuse to use the delay technique and go straight to orgasm? (age 14)

You're worrying too much. Wait until you've had sex before you diagnose yourself with sexual dysfunctions. It's to your advantage to delay your orgasm so you can enjoy sex longer.

I think my partner, who is 23, may be a TMS sufferer. He masturbates supine, but he uses a lot of force and moves his hand up and down very quickly. He usually exerts the force on the head of his penis and does not stimulate the shaft too much. He never uses lube, and he masturbates several times a week. He has problems getting hard from just foreplay, and he usually has to stimulate himself to achieve a full erection. We have to mount intercourse very quickly or he will lose his erection (which presents problems when putting on a condom). He loses his erection if I am too wet. He maintains his erection if I am marginally wet, perhaps because that provides more friction and imitates his masturbatory technique. He has a hard time coming from oral sex, unless he helps me with his hand. Does this scenario sound like TMS? (age 26)

He does not have TMS, which is masturbating in the prone position, but he has not successfully integrated intercourse with his masturbation. It would be a good idea if he abstained from masturbating for 4-5 days before having intercourse. As he becomes more comfortable (and less anxious) with intercourse, this interval can be decreased. It would also be good if he would masturbate with less force, but I suspect the frequency of masturbation is doing more to keep him from having intercourse successfully. Of course, it is common in oral sex for the woman to stroke the man's shaft with her hand in addition to stimulating the penis orally.

What do breasts feel like? (age 16)

A little like water balloons, only warmer.

I reach orgasm way too quickly when I'm having intercourse. I'm not this quick when masturbating. What am I doing wrong? (age 16)

You're just young and inexperienced. Try to last a little longer each time you have intercourse. Eventually, you will be more relaxed and better able to take your time.

I have been going out with my girlfriend for just over a year now, and because of religious beliefs we have abstained from sex. I have cut down on masturbating. I was doing it 5-6 times a week before. A few months ago we started doing sexual stuff together and I would masturbate in the bathroom afterward, and we've done this once in a while since. The problem is, after 3 weeks of not masturbating or doing anything with her, I masturbated and she said that she never wants me to do that again. I tried to confront her about this but she started crying and said it's really important to her. I know it's normal for guys to masturbate normally, but it's hard to get through to her and I don't want to hurt her. (age 18)

You shouldn't let a girlfriend dictate your sexual practices. Most men who are having sex several times a week also masturbate at least once a week. If you do it less, it should be because that's what you want. Most men don't tell their spouses or significant others whether they masturbate or not. Your girlfriend lacks the maturity to handle the information. You ought to tell her it's a private thing and you choose not to discuss it. The problem is, you have become accustomed to reporting your masturbatory behavior to her, so she would infer from such a response that you are masturbating, and more than you probably are. You might print out certain pages of this web site (including the Young Man's Guide) that might increase her awareness of male sexuality and her own.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year. We have had sex and I recently gave her what she says was her first orgasm. After that I noticed an increase in her sexual desire toward me. Now we have sex all the time and I'm worried that she will get bored. I recently brought up the topic of masturbation with her and she said that it wouldn't bother her if I masturbate, which I obviously do. I asked her if she does and she said no. When I think about it, her rubbing her clitoris doesn't bother me but the thought of her using something to stick inside of her vagina just upsets me. I'm afraid I won't be able to pleasure her anymore. It also makes me think to myself that I am not good enough for her. I know she is lying to me about not masturbating. Is it normal to have jealous feelings toward her masturbating? (age 16)

The problems are all in your head. There is no reason to worry in advance about her getting bored with you. There's more to a relationship than sex. You ought to trust her when she says she doesn't masturbate. You also shouldn't be jealous or threatened. I often hear about women being threatened by their husbands or partners masturbating, but you might be the first male who's admitted to feeling that way about a girlfriend. Most males find the thought of a female masturbating very arousing. Women who masturbate don't regard it as a replacement for sex with a partner.

First let me compliment you on the site. Great job! I'm 22 and I have a girlfriend and we have a great relationship and we talk about everything with each other except her masturbating. She's honest with me still but I can tell she's uncomfortable with the topic.

So don't talk about it. There's no rule that says you have to discuss masturbation. There are people who have been together a lot longer than the two of you who have never discussed it but have a great sex life anyway.

Whenever I talk to my girlfriend about sex, we both get wet. Is this a problem? (age 28)

No. I think it's a sign that you're both very arousable.

I've been having some difficulties reaching orgasm when I'm having sex with my girlfriend. I found your site and it seems to have answered a lot of my questions. I use the conventional loose fist, up and down movement, however I developed the habit of using my other hand to put pressure underneath my scrotum. I find it extremely difficult to reach orgasm if I don't put pressure there. And when I have sex with my girlfriend, the only position I have reached orgasm with is missionary. Would you consider this TMS? I have stopped doing this, and I find that I can orgasm in about 15 minutes without applying pressure there. Hopefully my problem is curable! (age 19)

I don't think it's TMS, and it's not too different from a lot of men, who often like to touch or put pressure on their scrotum while masturbating. You might just need more experience with intercourse. You might try to abstain from masturbating for 4-5 days before your next act of intercourse in order to make it easier to try a new position.

I have been masturbating for a while now, probably since I was 12. I am now having problems climaxing way too fast. I am not a virgin but I haven't had sex in almost a year. I am finding that I can climax just by dry humping with a girl for about 10 minutes and I can climax manually in less than 2 minutes. Am I not masturbating enough? (age 19)

Those times don't seem too fast to me. You don't have premature ejaculation from a clinical standpoint. You can work at stretching out your orgasms a little at a time if you don't think they're long enough. I don't think your masturbatory frequency is responsible.

I'm really shy and have never had a girlfriend. I'm worried I'll never lose my virginity. Is this common? (age 17)

Yes, it is. It would be good if you could overcome your shyness while you're still in high school. Why not ask out some non-threatening girl whom you know is not attached, to the movies? Even if you don't want a long-term relationship with her, it will be fun and help you get over your shyness so you can move on to someone you are really interested in. Oh, and don't be so worried about your virginity. It will be gone in time.

I had vaginal intercourse for the first time recently, but was unable to keep the erection. The thought of any problems hadn't crossed my mind until it happened. (My last relationship was 2 years ago, and at that time had no problem keeping an erection for a long time.) I had been masturbating quite a bit before the encounter. I was hoping the problem is that I masturbated too much, so I abstained from masturbating for a week before the next encounter, but that didn't help. I guess I'm nervous too. Should I be thinking about Viagra? I read that some erectile dysfunction is to be expected at my age, so how long should I keep trying to relax and abstain before resorting to doctors and drugs? I lied to my partner about it being my first time. I'm really embarrassed to be inexperienced. (age 31)

You ought to keep abstaining before sexual encounters and tell your partner the truth about your inexperience. She is probably thinking it's her fault. You want to reassure her that it isn't so and that you are truly interested in her. Telling the truth will also make it easier for you to relax during sex because you won't be distracted by trying to act experienced. If the abstinence and relaxing with your partner doesn't help, then Viagra or a similar drug would be a good solution to get you to the next level.

How do you stimulate a woman during sex? I've heard that normal thrusting doesn't do it. (age 19)

It's better if you can bring her to orgasm with your hands or mouth before you begin penile thrusting.

Should you have a condom on while you have oral sex before you have intercourse or should you put on the condom after oral sex?

If you are using the condom for protection against diseases, you need to have it on during oral sex too. In fact, you should use a new one for each sex act. If you are only using the condom for birth control, there is no reason to put it on except when having vaginal intercourse.

Can you get an STD from licking a girl's clitoris? In school, they always say that oral sex can also cause STDs and if so, why do you not discourage it? (age 15)

It's very unlikely, but HIV has been isolated in both saliva and vaginal secretions, so it's always a good idea to use a dental dam when performing cunnilingus. I quite often discourage oral sex, especially by people your age.

When females reach orgasm, do they lose their sexual desire, like we do?

Generally, yes, but it's harder for females to reach orgasm, so it's more likely they'll be unsatisfied and want another round even their partner is satisfied and ready to go to sleep. This is one more reason why it's better to bring your partner to orgasm manually or orally before going in for your own orgasm.

After females have an orgasm and lose their sexual feeling, would they still enjoy the sex while their partner is working at having an orgasm?

Generally, they do. After females have an orgasm, they don't lose their "sexual feeling" the way a male does. That's why it's more beneficial for the female to have her orgasm first.

I have seen racy films in which women moan and scream and curse while having an orgasm. I realize that it is just acting, but do women really make noise during (real) orgasms? I have been masturbating for a few months now and, despite enjoying it very much, have never been inclined to scream. (age 12)

Yes, it is common to moan or scream or otherwise make noise while having an orgasm. Try it sometime.

I'm sexually active with my girlfriend. We have sex about 3-4 times a week. I masturbate a few times a week. Lately I've been fighting with her and we've been having some issues, and I've found myself having a hard time getting erections looking at nude pictures or when I'm trying to masturbate. The erection doesn't feel as strong or hard. Is this all a stress/mental thing? Is it because I'm stressed out over her that I don't get as erections like a guy typically does? (age 23)

Stress in a relationship is a frequent cause of sexual unhappiness in men, but I don't recall ever hearing someone as young as you with that problem. It might be worth taking a break from that girlfriend for a while or being a non-exclusive couple. That will lessen her ability to make demands on you. You're in a bad spot if she can inhibit your erections even when she's not with you.

Does the penis make contact with the clitoris during intercourse? Based on this site's illustrations, it looks like the clitoris is too far up.

You are right. It usually doesn't. That's one more reason to satisfy the woman manually or orally before having vaginal intercourse.

I masturbate every day and sometimes more than once a day. I have had sex twice, once two years ago and once last year. Both times, I masturbated about three times before I engaged in intercourse. Somehow I didn't find the vagina stimulating and lost my erection after 10-15 minutes. Is this because I was masturbating too often? (age 22)

It would be a good idea to abstain from masturbating for a few days before engaging in sexual intercourse when you're inexperienced.

I took your advice and moved on from that girl, (the girl that used the excuse of her parents). Anyway, there is this new girl I was waiting to ask out, and I didn't want to ask her out right then, because I knew I would be rejected. One day I mentioned to a friend that I like her, and he told her, and the next day she says she likes me only as a friend. I still like her and all and would still like to go out on a date, but I am too afraid to do it because I don't want a repeat. She hugs me every day, forces me if she has to and always seems to like me. How do I know if she likes me or not? Please don't tell me to move on like last time. This girl is going to be the end of me! (age 15)

Why don't you just ask her out to the movies? If she hugs you every day, I don't think she would say no. The real test will be when you try to kiss her or hold her hand on the date. That is when she might tell you she doesn't want to do those things with you.

Follow-up: I was too late in asking her out for the movies! I saw a guy with his arm wrapped around her. Monday I asked how her weekend was, and she spent the entire weekend with her new boyfriend. I don't know what to do anymore. There is nothing I can really do to go out with her and no one to move on to. I am stuck lonely, heartbroken and depressed with no hope. What should I do?

Your high school is teeming with eager young women who would be delighted to go out with you. You shouldn't get so wrapped up in one girl that you ignore all the others. Figure out a half dozen others you'd be interested in and ask one of them. Perhaps you can ask out your current interest in a few months when she's gotten tired of the boyfriend.

I'm involved with a girl now, and everything's perfect, she's amazing, we're in love and everything, but her sexual past bothers me. I don't ask her a lot about it anymore, but I still think about it a lot. She's had sex with five guys, and given oral sex to 10, and she is 20 years old. She says the sex has never been as good as it is with me, and she's never enjoyed a guy so much in every way. I dont think of her as slutty, but I don't know who else to ask about this sort of thing. Can you help me please? (age 20)

You illustrate another of the perils of casual sex, namely, that your future permanent partner will be less sexually experienced and suspicious of your past. She seems to have abandoned promiscuity for monogamy with you. You ought to accept that and not think about her past. You must have something to offer that those other ten guys don't.

How do I ask my girlfriend if she masturbates?

You might consider that it's better if you don't ask. If you really want to know, you might tell her about your own masturbatory history during an intimate conversation. If she's cool with it, she will volunteer hers. If not, just drop it.

My wife caught me masturbating and said it was not natural, however, she has diabetes and doesn't want sex. How do I explain that I need relief and still be loyal to her?

You can show her any number of pages from this site to make the case that it is natural. You can find other ways of sharing intimacy with her that will mitigate her objection to your masturbating. You should also point out that masturbation, even while using pictures or fantasies, does not constitute infidelity.

When a woman has an orgasm, does she have any stuff come out like men do? (age 24)

As a rule, no. There are some women who claim to release a small amount of fluid upon orgasm, but they are a tiny fraction of the female population, and most physiologists deny that it is a process akin to ejaculation.

What stimulates a girl to masturbate? Is it seeing something like boys or something different? If a girl has a pet name for you, does it mean she likes you? (age 15)

Girls are less easily aroused by visual stimuli compared to boys. Girls are more likely to get the urge to masturbate from their own thoughts or the memory of being touched. I suspect a girl who gives you an appealing pet name does in fact like you. That's a good time to ask her out.

Is there a way to arouse my girlfriend more? I always seem to be the one who wants sex. She hardly ever seems horny and I always seem to have to put her in arousal. Is this normal? I was thinking about not doing anything to her for awhile and see if she gets horny that way. (age 23)

No, that won't work. Nobody likes a camel. Women are aroused by touch more than anything else. Try massaging her in a non-erotic way and it is sure to lead to more sexy thoughts.

My girlfriend really wants to give me head. We are wondering if it is safe or not without protection? We are both virgins. Do we really need to get the protection if we have never been with anyone else before? (age 17)

Being monogamous with a partner you know is uninfected is safe sex, but it might be bad for you to get used to unprotected sex at your age. You would have an easier time practicing protected sex in future relationships if you had never had unprotected sex.

I am year out of a 9 year relationship where I resorted to masturbating because our sex life was terrible. I have now met someone whom I like very much. I find it difficult to achieve orgasm. I have always had trouble coming to orgasm with condoms due to the decreased sensitivity but am even finding it more difficult by other means too, without condoms, as I am used to the way I bring myself to orgasm. (age 41)

That happens to a lot of men who have sex infrequently. I advise abstaining from masturbation for 5-7 days before your next sexual encounter. You can reduce the interval as you become more used to having sex with your partner with condoms.

In the hot tub my girlfriend was putting her lower body by my penis and I had an erection. Then she put her breasts all over my chest (with her top on). I was afraid that she was gonna touch my penis. Do you think she would care or be grossed out? I'm afraid of what she might say if she touches it. (age 16)

She probably wanted to touch it. If she was making you uncomfortable, you should have said something. She probably thought you were enjoying the attention.

I have no trouble reaching orgasm when I am alone. But when I am with a partner, it takes a long time and much effort, if it happens at all. It is such a problem that I tend to avoid having sex with a partner. Through some online research I found that this may be called retarded ejaculation. Do you think that is what it is and if so is it only treatable by counseling? (age 34)

Yes, the problem you describe is retarded ejaculation, also called delayed orgasm or anorgasmia. Most males I deal with cure themselves of it by overcoming TMS. If you don't masturbate prone, then I think it is just a matter of nerves and being unable to concentrate during sex. You obviously don't have a physical problem since you can masturbate to orgasm. Try abstaining from masturbation for 5-7 days before your next intercourse and see if it makes a difference.

My girlfriend thinks her vaginal fluid smells bad. She is reluctant to let me finger her or perform oral sex on her and just wants to do it to me. This makes me feel awkward because she is doing sexual stuff to me and I am giving her nothing. I find vaginal fluid a turn on. (age 16)

Perhaps you could tell her that and she will feel less self-conscious.

Is it OK if you have let one of your female friends give you oral sex? (age 16)

She might not want to be just a friend.

I like your site. It has opened my eyes about alot of things. My girlfriend of three years (the only girl I ever had sex with) just broke up with me. I miss her so much. And I desperately want to move on but I have no game. I can hardly ever will myself to talk to women. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm super horny all the time and I can't do anything about it. Masturbation depresses me, but I do it anyway. I don't know how to get close enough to a women to get her in bed. And homosexual men keep coming on to me. I don't know how to stop it! (age 19)

It will be easier as time passes. Take note of all the interesting women out there! Just try to be friendly with them and don't think so much about getting them in bed. Just tell anyone you aren't interested in that you aren't interested.

I am 25 years old now and recently started having sex with my girlfriend. There was a period of time where I didn't have any sexual intercourse (about three years) and masturbated a lot (almost every day). after that I had a girlfriend for about six months and the first couple of times we tried to have sex I could not get an erection. After that I was able to get one almost every time we had sex but for the period of time we were together it seemed like my erections were not as good as when I was 19 or even 20. Back then I had a girlfriend also and we could have sex three of four times in a row without having any problems.

Now that I am dating this girl and recently started having sex I have been able to get a couple of good erections and ejaculate out of four occasions where we tried having sex. I can mostly do it once now and then I have to wait (sometimes even 2 or 3 days to be able to have a healthy erection again).

What can I do about this? I am not masturbating a lot these days because I want to keep my good erections for my girlfriend.

It would be a good idea to see a doctor to rule out a physical problem. Mostly you probably could just stand to relax more and not worry so much about whether you will get an erection.

Lately my girlfriend has been grinding on top of me. We both have our clothes on, but is this considered to be TMS? Any dangers? (age 19)

It would only be TMS if the one contributing the force were trying to reach orgasm. I think it is harmless activity, because you will probably not do it for very long.

My girlfriend told me that her ex-boyfriend asked her to have sex, and she felt the need to give it to him; but when he tried to penetrate her, she said she didn't let him. It was the muscle in her vagina that prevented the penis from entering. She said she didn't want to lose her virginity before marriage. So do you consider her a virgin or a nonvirgin? (age 19)

That is a very tough question. Each person has their own working definition of virginity. Your girlfriend obviously believes that she is still a virgin. According to the law, all that is necessary for penetration to occur is for any part of the penis to pass through the outermost female genitalia. That is a very strict standard. Most people would probably say that someone who had only had that much penetration is still a virgin. You should come up with your own standard for how much penis a female can have inside her and still be a virgin.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months. We have sex frequently, but she doesn't want to have sex when she has her period. Why? I only seem to be able to ejaculate from masturbation and not from sexual intercourse. Is this common in guys? (age 15)

Many females are self-conscious when they have their period and are often in pain or otherwise feeling like they wouldn't enjoy sex. Anorgasmia in intercourse is very uncommon in males your age and might be a sign that something is wrong. It would be a good idea to abstain from masturbating for 3-5 days before your next act of intercourse.

Is it considered cheating if you look at porn when you masturbate, when you're dating someone? I get by with fantasy three times as often as I look at something. Is an 11 month relationship with someone unusual in high school? (age 16)

I think it's cool that you've stayed together for almost a year. People who marry their high school sweethearts usually turn out happy. It is not cheating to fantasize about someone else or to look at pictures of someone else.

How long can the average male in a serious relationship abstain from sex? My boyfriend and I used to have very frequent sex, 4-5 times a week, and now I'm lucky to have sex with him even once a week. Is this cause for concerns about cheating?

A sudden decrease in the amount of sexual activity might be a sign of cheating, but it ought not be the only one. It would be worth noticing if he is spending less time talking to you on the phone too.

I have lived with my girlfriend for almost three years. For the first year we had sex almost every day. Since then she has been a lot busier with work and school and doesn't have the time or energy for much sex. We have sex about once or twice a week. I have heard her masturbating in the shower and I know she uses the massaging shower head for this. I have also woken up early in the morning and felt the bed shaking from her masturbating. It turns me on but at the same time hurts my feelings because she used to wake me up when she got horny like that. How can I talk to her about this without embarrasing her or hurting her feelings? (age 28)

You can just tell her you'd like to have sex more often and go from there. You don't need to tell her you know she's masturbating. Maybe she thinks you're too busy or too tired so she would rather let you have your sleep. Also, masturbating usually takes less time than sex and a lot of women only like to have sex when they look and feel really good.

My girlfriend gets really turned on when I say a certain word, and it's not even related to sex. Why is that? (age 17)

Because it's related to sex for her. Don't wear out the effect of that word by overusing it. Save it for when it will help.

I would rather masturbate than have sex, and now I think that I've masturbated so much that when I have sex, I feel ashamed of having sex with her yet I'm supposed to love her, so now I try to think of her while masturbating, but I have different feelings about her. Is it because I'm masturbating too much or am I really losing feelings about her. I think I love her but when I masturbate it's a whole different feeling. (age 19)

It would be a good idea to take a break from this girl while you sort these feelings out. Preferring masturbating to intercourse has often been viewed by sex therapists as a sign of maladjustment. You might not be able to enjoy intercourse until you accept masturbation as normal. It might also be a good idea to seek professional help.

Lately I've noticed that my interest in females has gone down. I am not a homosexual, but I'm just not so INTO sex. I used to think a few certain were pretty, but it's as if my sex drive has been turned off and I think it's because I'm masturbating. More then once have I heard that masturbating is good because it supresses the sex drive, allowing you to focus on more important things. Does this make sense and should I take a break from masturbating? (age 17)

Most males your age engage in masturbation frequently and still manage to take interest in girls. People who are most involved in sex with partners tend to masturbate more than average. If you think a break would be helpful, then by all means do it. It might be more useful for you to spend more time alone with girls you like.

I realize that I'm really not making any effort of finding a girlfriend. I don't masturbate that much, about once a week or less. I have no prospects since I really don't have interest in anyone yet. I was wondering if you had any advice on how to start a relationship. (age 17)

Just get involved in activities at school, church, or the community, and you will meet some girls you want to go out with. It will be easier to ask them out if you have been involved in group activities with them.

My girlfriend uses tampons, so when we first have sex, will I have to break her hymen? (age 15)

Probably. Tampons are more apt to stretch rather than break the hymen.

Recently a young girl from my church has been really turning me on but she's roughly 15, and she's always giving me those looks and wearing revealing clothing that always catches my eye. I sometimes picture myself with her when I masturbate. I think that this is a bad thing because she's younger than I am. Is this bad? (age 18)

It would be OK if you went out with her, but keep in mind the laws about statutory rape in your state. Find out the age of consent and don't do anything sexual until she is fully, rather than "roughly," that age.

Whenever I try to satisfy my girlfriend, I always try to give her some clitoral stimulation. Whenever I actually touch her clitoris, she gets tickled. She laughs and has to kick and push me away. I've tried telling her to get into the mood, but nothing seems to work. (age 18)

It would be better if you had her take your hand and touch herself with it. That would help her get desensitized to your touch.

I am too scared to go to my girlfriend's house because she might not want to do anything if I am circumcised. What do I do? (age 15)

It is better if you did not do anything involving a penis at your age. I am sure by the time you are suitably old to have sex, you will be more confident about your anatomy. For now, why don't you go over to her house and watch movies or play games with her family or something like that?

I'd like to congratulate you on such a well kept site. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 months. Before that I hadn't had sex in a while, and I was masturbating 2-3 times a day. It's a long distance relationship, so we don't see each other often, but when we do, I have to finish myself off after sex. Could it be that I have been desensitised? And if so, how might I reverse this process? (age 17)

It would be good if you could abstain from masturbating for 3-5 days before an expected sexual encounter. Once you are having regular sex, it should be easier to reduce that interval.


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HealthyStrokes.com is not designed to provide medical advice and does not provide medical advice. All material is for information only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional or medical advice, diagnosis, and treatment. Please review the information contained on HealthyStrokes.com carefully and confer with your doctor, psychologist, or other health care professional as needed.